These Boots Were Made for Dancin'. . .

The great thing about some of the NeighborGoodies that are left on a daily basis: You can find a whole new life for yourself. For example, if you were bored today, you could head down there and pick out an exciting new (to you) pair of work boots and begin a career in, say, construction!



For a used pair of boots, these things are in pretty decent shape.


And since they're Brahma Boots: The Name to Trust, you know they must be great!

You could work veryhard building things on construction sites! You might even be able to weld in these shoes! WOW!

But all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...so after a long day at the construction site, you can return home to grab your gal for a night on the town. But first, you'll want to stop off at NeighborGoodies Central to find everything she'll need tonight! Including these snazzy high heels:

You'll be happy to note that these shoes are standing in a pile of crumbs left from the weekend's toaster. . .


Despite the small sweat stain near the toes, these used "What's what" shoes by Aerosoles are just what you need to go out. But don't be an idiot: No one can go out just wearing shoes! Well, you're in luck because today only, you can find a fancy cocktail dress!

Now you've got everything you could ever possibly need to have a great night out, just in time for Valentine's Day! And with all the money you've just saved on a new outfit--why not treat yourself to a night out on the town? For ideas, look no further than the entrance to our lovely apartment complex.

I normally wouldn't post anything outside of the NeighborGoodies table, but some (presumably drunk) random has doctored the STOP sign that adorns our gated garage:


Clearly, this is a sign from the gods themselves to take your new work boots, high heels and party dress to go out dancin'!

Toast of the Town

Recently, a surprisingly high percentage of NeighborGoodies seem to be coming from kitchens and bathrooms here in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills complex. Personally, I like knowing that what I have in my bathroom and in my kitchen wasn't in someone else's bathroom or kitchen at any point in their history. I just don't want anyone's used bathroom anything--and likewise for the kitchen.

Especially when said kitchen item is directly involved with Food Preparation:



No one ever gets a new toaster until you absolutely need it. And you know when you absolutely need it because when a toaster breaks, it really breaks. So, I can only assume that this toaster is very, very broken, and likely of no real use to anyone, unless you're taking it into the bathtub.

Growing up, my parents had a toaster that used to shoot sparks out of it. This was normal to me, and I just assumed the sparks were cooking the toast. I remember my dad always having to stick a knife in the toaster in order to get the bread out of it, once it had been charred beyond recognition. (A golden brown piece of toast wasn't ever really an option until the arrival of a new toaster that showed up when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. . .)

Anyway, by the time our first toaster retired, it looked kind of like this--covered in rust and pieces of burnt bread:


NeighborGoodies Central smelled like a bad mix of bleach and burnt rye bread this weekend because of this beast. I took it upon myself to inspect the little crumb drawer--which, in many cases, is the source of such odors:

I'd say there's at least six months' worth of toaster crumbs in there. It's practically a meal!
Just slap some eggs on it and you'll be in heaven!

Of course, the most disturbing part of this NeighborGoodie is that it disappeared within a matter of hours, leaving only a small pile of crumbs behind in its place. So someone in my building thought: "Ooh, used cookery!" and took it home. Once again, here's the reason I don't eat at any of the neighbors' places. Of course, no one's invited me...but if they dared to, I'd still say no. Because ewww.

...At least you can rest assured knowing that no one has taken the Bathroom Goodies from late last week. Apparently, even the scavengers in this building have their limits. So I guess the lesson really is, you can use their bathrooms, but don't take a snack from anyone in the building.

It's Carpet Madness!

I can think of nothing more revolting than bathrooms...even though I enjoy my time in them.
It's one of the few times during the day where I feel like I can be truly alone. In the shower, on the toilet...people generally don't bother you while you're in there. If someone dares to talk to me while I'm in the bathroom, they get a swirly, plain and simple.

Anyway, as much as I love the idea of bathroom solitude, I'm well aware of the grossness factor. Bathrooms are just nasty. Period. But if there is anything more disgusting than a bathroom, it's NeighborGoodies from a bathroom!


My best guess is that one of the neighbors is redecorating her bathroom and, rather than throwing out this horrific red flowery used toilet seat cover, she has donated it to the NeighborGoodies pile, hoping to send it to a good home.

The fact that there's a matching....whatever the hell this thing is called, is merely icing on the (urinal) cake:



These two hideous items are free to a good home. . .because who doesn't want to take someone else's ratty old feces-covered bathroom carpet and toilet seat cover?

Free Drugs!

Let me start off by saying that I'm all for the Free Clinic. It's a great option for those people who don't have insurance, as well as for the dirty folks who need to secretly get tested and/or treated for various, umm, indiscretions they may have made in the boudoir.

I personally have never been inside of any of these Clinics that are all over LA, as I tend to think you get what you pay for. . .but, again, I understand their appeal.

What alarms me is the fact that someone in my building is such a frequent visitor to the Free Clinic, that they are on the mailing list to receive their annual report--and that they think donating it to the NeighborGoodies table is a good idea:


Lord only knows what sort of disease-ridden items have been left down on the NeighborGoodies table while this person was being treated at the Free Clinic. (Or, worse yet, what this person left before their treatment began!)

Either way, I have to go wash my fingers off. . .

CarJoy

Someone in the building is clearly shopping for a car, and the timing couldn't be better for me. My ten-year-old car, the Turquoise Bullet, is really starting to show signs of age. I took it into my mechanic this weekend for an oil change, and it wound up costing me a big pile of money that I wasn't really ready to part with.

So I was psyched to find some car buying literature on the NeighborGoodies table today:


This stuff for the 2008 Honda Accord is very informative. I assume that whichever neighbor left this stuff on the Goodies table was also handed this copy of Motor Trend during their Test Drive of the All New Accord:

And while they were out considering the 2008 Accord, my trusty Neighbor happened upon a Volkswagon dealership and also looked into the 2008 GTI MkV:

Now, if these were my only two options and I had to buy a car right this second based solely upon what I've found in Neighbor Goodies Central, here's what I'd say:

There isn't a huge price difference between these two cars, and without test driving either of them, I would probably go with the Volkswagon, if only because of my favorite feature on the car: The Integrated Logo. It just seems as though the folks at VW put it there just to fuck with you...and I've gotta respect that.

Of course, since I just spent a pile of money to have my car fixed...buying a car will have to wait. And although I've driven the car more than 115,000 miles and lord knows I've done more than my share of damage to it, I can rest assured knowing that the Turquoise Bullet will continue to ride smoothly for a long, long time.

How can I be so sure? Because this is my repair guy:

So until it's completely destroyed, you can look for me as I dance around the Turquoise Bullet...because Harry fixed it.

Worst Mix Tape Ever

This weekend, the NeighborGoodies table was home to Seven random CDs:


In this collection, we've got HAYDEN's Everything I Long For, The soundtrack for the Twin Peaks TV Series, and ANI DIFRANCO's To The Teeth as well as her live album Living In Clip.

The presence of the Ani DiFranco CDs makes me wonder if the woman who left her Diva shirt last week is behind today's Goodies as well. She also left behind Fire by Electric Six. . .



The jewel case is destroyed, but I don't think this was a mere accident. I think it was sabotage--an attempt to hide some evidence. Evidence that is left behind on the final two CDs:



First up: The Civil War: The Complete Work is a two-disc set featuring songs by artists such as Hootie & The Blowfish and Patti Labelle, as well as, I imagine, dramatic readings from folks like Ellen Burstyn, Danny Glover and Maya Angelou. I have no idea what this thing is, but I do know that this particular copy was pilfered from the Bloomfield Township Public Library in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan...along with Marie Christine: A New Musical:



Marie Christine starred Audra McDonald and opened on Broadway December 2, 1999 and closed a mere 42 performances later on January 9, 2000. I couldn't really ascertain what this musical was about, other than it was set in New Orleans in "the gay 90's," which, as it turns out, occurred in the late 19th century as opposed to when I had originally thought. While not a major hit on Broadway (although it was nominated for five Tony Awards) this original cast recording scored big in Bloomfield, MI during its first six months in the library. After being checked out practically once per month since record-keeping began, its popularity declined rapidly, only being checked out once during 2002, 2003 and 2004--when it was removed permanently from the stacks.

Both the Civil War and Marie Christine were due back at the Bloomfield Public Library on April 15, 2004... Only they weren't brought back. They were taken from their native Michigan and transported in a dastardly scheme to Southern California. The Diva who stole them must have known the heat was on her and relocated to LA, assuming a different identity in the process. The only thing left to do was ditch the evidence. And ditch it she did, right into the laundry room.

The perfect crime. . . Or is it?

One Night Stand

This morning on my way out, I discovered the elevators were down. Again. So I had to exit the building and re-enter through the garage in order to make my way back into NeighborGoodies Central.

Unfortunately, I was too late. I saw a young couple leaving with a lightweight wicker night stand/end table thing. As I was pretending to wait with them for the elevator that never came, the couple squealed with delight at their new acquisition. Clearly, taking a photo of it would have been strange, as my anonymity is of the utmost importance to the Neighborgoodies Project... but I got a pretty good look at it.

Standing about three feet high and made of that dark Pier 1 type of wicker, it looked like it weighed less than an ounce. It was about 3 feet tall, but only about 8 square inches wide. The tiny stand also includes a drawer, perfect for storing any bibles or small remote controls you'd like to keep out of sight.

Of course, the couple may have different intentions. A neighbor of mine right in this very building had a similar table in his bedroom that he used as a "sex drawer," where he kept all of his unmentionables. He told me that it once belonged to his grandmother.

I said, "Really? You're using your grandmother's antique table as a sex drawer?" His reply was: "Well, it was probably her sex drawer, too."

We don't speak anymore. And that's also why I don't take any of the Neighborgoodies. You never know what the previous owner's grandparents were doing with it.