By The Seat of Your Pants

Today, we’ve got a couple of decent looking dining room chairs:

These firm, sturdy and, dare I say, handsome seats look to be in pretty good shape. (And, as you know, I’m well-versed in The art of Chair-ery.)

The fact that there’s practically no wear on these items means one of three things:

A: The NeighborGooder was meticulous about chair care while in use in their luxurious home in the Hollywood Hills.

B: Someone purchased them specifically for a Very Important Meeting at the NeighborGoodies Table, and left them there upon completion of Said Meeting.

Or C: The chairs sat empty in the NeighborGooder’s apartment for years, serving as a reminder that no matter how many seats you have in your home, no one will sit in them if they hate you.

Each day, those chairs would sit beneath the dining room table, where a popular person would host dinner parties and game nights... and Oh! how the chairs would wish for an ass to perch upon them! Now, through the miracle that is the NeighborGoodies Table, one of the asses in my building will be able to fulfill this furniture’s lifelong dream..

And wouldn’t that ass look incredible in these Sexy Jeans?

From Emale Industry’s Denim Division…

…these jeans are just lying on the table, likely full of poo (why else would you discard a pair of jeans?) just waiting for someone to take them. There's always something creepy to me about used jeans, and I can't quite put my finger on it. It may be because of the time my roommate and I were walking around somewhere in Hollywood with one of the asses from the building, and we stumbled upon a pair of filthy Diesel jeans laying on someone’s front lawn—with a pair of underwear still inside.

You just know that whatever the events were that lead to those jeans being on the lawn, it wasn't pretty. So you can imagine how revolting it was when The Ass went over to the discarded jeans… and picked them up. My roommate and I recoiled in horror as The Ass jumped around excitedly with the dirty denim in his hands. He was psyched because they were Diesel Jeans—in his size! He let the briefs (which, I think it is safe to assume, were soiled) drop to the ground and brought the jeans with us, despite our protests: “You’re going to get feces in the car!”

“They’re Diesel!” he cried, “These things are expensive!”

So is treatment for Hepatitis, ass.

Weirdly, we stopped going to his apartment after that. Hmm... Come to think of it, those chairs do look kinda familiar...

Unwelcome Mat

Hello, dear readers! In an example of Life Imitating South Park, the internet has been down in the apartment for a few days. As it turns out, there is no special treatment for those of us who live in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills. But no matter! The NeighborGoodies have been piling up!

Let's start off with a MysteryGoodie! Care to take a guess what this fine specimen is?


The Blue Bulges and random circles are confusing to an untrained eye, and you might think this is an artist's rubbery replica of a UFO formation in the sky. . .but you are mistaken!! The answer is coming up in a moment...but first, let's talk about this:

It looks like a bottle of perfume, but seems to be filled with some sort of adobe-like coagulant...or perhaps some gold finger paint. I was going to open the bottle to smell it in an attempt to identify the contents, but then I noticed the glass is pretty thick around the edges, which leads me to believe that it contains Dangerous Materials. Possibly Ricin! And so, just to be safe, I left it on the NeighborGoodies table for some other neighbor to take. Luckily, someone left behind a Ceramic Trinket Box to safely carry this possibly radioactive material in:


This hideous morsel looks like it had never left the box. . .



. . .at least, not until I took it out to inspect it.

The Trinket Box feels like something someone would purchase at a yard sale, blown away by the fact that it only costs fifty cents, only to bring it home and wonder what the hell to do with it. They shoved it in a closet for about three years before depositing it on the Table of Giving. Luckily it has found a new life as a Dangerous Materials Storage Unit.

And speaking of Dangerous Materials, it's time to reveal the identity of today's MysteryGoodie:


The powder blue rubbery bumps. The Circles indicating something sinister underneath of the item. The required Filth Factor. It all can mean only one thing:


. . .the Third Neighborgoodie Bathmat this year. WHY! Why do my neighbors feel the need to share their disgusting, mold-and-athlete's-foot-covered, used bathmats on the NeighborGoodies table? This is a civilized Give and Take situation--not a depository for your feces and diseases!

You can almost see the bacteria that has built up after years of use:


Perhaps I'm mistaken. Perhaps the people of my building don't mind the idea of standing on a vile bathmat that one of their weird neighbors was naked upon a mere 24 hours ago... because not only do these things keep appearing--but they also keep disappearing.

Gross!

Blue Monday

This weekend, there were lots of NeighborGoodies laying around. The first two tiny items are beauty product samples:
This teensy tiny container of Blue Chamomile Day Moisturizer is about the size of a quarter and came from EvanHealy company, along with this tiny bottle of Blue Lavender Cleansing Milk:

My question is, when did "blue" become an ingredient for face creams and "cleansing milk" (whatever that is)? A quick trip to the Evan Healy web site reveals that these are "Holistic" skin care products, but it doesn't seem to mention how much blue is contained in their products. According to the web site, these products were featured in an article in Martha Stewart's now-defunct Blueprint Magazine.

Then I realized that the rest of the items on the blue table that is NeighborGoodies Central, were also quite blue, including these two postcards:




Both of these postcards feature works of art by Eric Drooker from a 1992 book called Flood! A Novel In Pictures, which is described as "a modern novel written in the ancient language of pictures."

Is it a coincidence, or is someone consciously making an effort to remove the color blue from their lives? Perhaps they took it too literally when they were told to do something to get rid of their blues.

Also removed from their troubled life, this light blue 2008 weekly planner:



This one dollar blue item was likely purchased in order to help this individual gain control of their life, but was ultimately discarded six weeks into the year, without a single plan inside of it.

The final piece of blue baloney is quite similar to an item I was pissed off about just a mere ten days ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the Return of Carpet Madness:


Yes...once again the NeighborGoodies table has been bequeathed a vehicle of feces in the form of a used toilet seat cover and bathroom floor cozy--with the same exact pattern as the red ones that appeared weeks ago--have a look:

A Neighboroodies Flashback!

Same hideous floral pattern....same misguided notion that someone in this building wants these things.

And finally, all of these blue items were being overseen by this pissed-off cat:


While the kitty itself isn't blue, I'm sure that it was still causing the NeighborGooder a mild case of The Blues, so clearly it had to go as well.

Hopefully this person searching for a sense of order will find happiness in her blue-less existence. And, hopefully, we here in the Hollywood Hills will benefit by getting their Smurfs DVDs.

It's Carpet Madness!

I can think of nothing more revolting than bathrooms...even though I enjoy my time in them.
It's one of the few times during the day where I feel like I can be truly alone. In the shower, on the toilet...people generally don't bother you while you're in there. If someone dares to talk to me while I'm in the bathroom, they get a swirly, plain and simple.

Anyway, as much as I love the idea of bathroom solitude, I'm well aware of the grossness factor. Bathrooms are just nasty. Period. But if there is anything more disgusting than a bathroom, it's NeighborGoodies from a bathroom!


My best guess is that one of the neighbors is redecorating her bathroom and, rather than throwing out this horrific red flowery used toilet seat cover, she has donated it to the NeighborGoodies pile, hoping to send it to a good home.

The fact that there's a matching....whatever the hell this thing is called, is merely icing on the (urinal) cake:



These two hideous items are free to a good home. . .because who doesn't want to take someone else's ratty old feces-covered bathroom carpet and toilet seat cover?