A few weeks ago, a million billion records showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:
Now, as we all know, vinyl is dead (much like those records' original gay owner, I suspect) but one person managed to breathe new life into some of these musty old musicals.
Behold:
As the longtime reader(s) of this blog know, there's an Artsy Neighbor in the building who sometimes takes pieces from the NegihborGoodies table to make his own creations.
Apparently, he decided to share his art this time, taking the records from a few weeks ago and turning them into some sort of tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedrin:
I'm not really sure what possessed him to paint over the Gayest LP's in the Universe... 
...but one thing's for sure: The B-side to this Mary Poppins soundtrack is... For The Birds! 
GET IT? Cuz he painted BIRDS on it!
ahem... oksorry.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Round, Round Robins
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dress Your Man
First of all, I want to thank the folks over at Scrap Smack for giving NeighborGoodies a shout-out. Welcome, scrap-bookers! I hope you enjoy your stay here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills!
Now, on with the Goodies:
Today, we find a copy of "Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe." I'm surprised the Big Blue Table didn't collapse under the weight of the title alone.
According to the website, this book is a "well-organized, non intimidating resource," and was written by Betsy Durkin Matthes, who had a role in a bunch of episodes of the 60's TV Series "Dark Shadows." Since then, she's become some sort of 'lyricist' and, I assume, a woman who obsessively nagged her husband about his wardrobe until he went insane and she wrote a book.
Judging only by what was accompanying the book on the NeighborGoodies Table, I'm a little unnerved by what Betsy might be suggesting you put on your put-upon husband:
Whoever had this book was clearly trying to get her husband to dress like a drag queen...
...often using items she found right here on The NeighborGoodies Table:
That turquoise terrycloth fiasco and those hot pink high heels once belonged to a girl named Samantha, who left them on the NeighborGoodies Table way back in April: 
Just so we're all on the same page: These outfits were questionable at best when Samantha bought them new. After she wised up and abandoned them, they were claimed by another resident in the building, kept for eight months, then re-discarded. I wonder if Samantha ever saw her Turquoise Traveling Pants and Pink glass-sided hooker shoes wandering the halls of the apartment building again. And I wonder if they were on some poor guy whose wife started dressing him after reading Betsy's book.
Yeesh.
The only way it could be worse is if he was wearing those heels, those pants and....
...a "Get Crunk" tank top. I can just picture New-Samantha coming home one night completely crunked out of her head, taking off that tank top and placing it on her boyfriend while she sloppily slurs her way through a passage in Betsy's book. 
Once Drunky passed out in a pile of clothes and vomit, her guy carefully grabbed what he could from beneath her, snuck downstairs and placed the items in question on the NeighborGoodies Table, starting with Betsy's book... figuring (correctly) that she'll never remember what went on that night. If he can keep her away from the laundry room for a couple of days until these items disappear again, he'll be home free! And if not... one of them will be homeless.
In conclusion: Never trust a former actor. Especially for fashion, marital or career advice.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Ghost of Christmas Past
Today on the Big Blue Table, we have a teeny tiny light blue plastic belt. . .
...which would be perfect for anyone on your holiday list who has a size negative four waist. Luckily, there's also some wrapping paper to go along with it...
...which is the same crappy kid-drawn wrapping paper that appeared on NeighborGoodies six weeks ago:
This rerun, of course, means someone took them off the table for six weeks with the intention of using these hideous pieces of holiday cheer and realized one of three things:
1. They didn't have enough money to buy anyone presents this year.
2. They've killed all of their loved ones (possibly with a light blue plastic belt. Which, I believe, the Hillside Strangler used when he lived in this very building.) Or:
3. Maybe, just maybe, they came to their senses and decided that a little Holiday Racism maybe wasn't the way to go.
Of course, you can read my full analysis of the wrapping paper here. In the comments section from that day, "Anonymous" wrote:
I like that your theme song was written by Wrapping Paper and your blog post was about Wrapping Paper. Hehe. Also, it helps that I'm really drunk right now.
*hic*
Friday, November 14, 2008
Radio Free Radio
Back in the height of the summer, someone put everything you could possibly need for a day at the beach on the NeighborGoodies table, including this portable CD Player...
...whose cover did not close properly, leaving it only useful as a radio or laser-guided weapon.Today, in a NeighborGoodies Rerun... that radio has returned....
...sans antenna:
This means, of course, that someone took this semi-broken radio off the NeighborGoodies table, broke it even more, then put it back onto the NeighborGoodies table three months later, completely devoid of all intended functions.Some possible unintended functions:
Suicide Aid (*Pool or bathtub not included)
Food Processor
Decorative Candle Holder
Cereal Bowl
Magic Wand (*Antenna Only)
I just have to point out now that the NeighborGooder who super-broke this thing clearly had the opportunity to throw it out in his apartment with a lot less effort. How does laziness not win out in a case like this? This guy had to pass several different trash cans, trash bags and trash chutes on his way down to redeposit this item on the Big Blue Table. Does he feel as though he owed it to the table? Is it a sacrifice to the NeighborGods?
All I know for sure is that if this thing reappears early next year, completely split in half, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Freshly Squeezed OJ
I have a question.
What if OJ didn't do it?
I'm not talking about the current trial where he's in trouble for doing whatever it is he's alleged to have done. No one cares about that.
I'm talking about The Big Trial. The one where everyone (except for twelve people) thought he killed his ex wife.
I'm asking because I think it's odd that just as OJ is in the news again, suddenly there's a mysterious black glove hangin' out on the NeighborGoodies Table:
I'm just saying... It looks an awful lot like the ones he was alleged to have worn during the murder:
As OJ's lawyer said: "If it does not fit, you must acquit." I'm gonna put this unpopular opinion out there: Maybe the glove didn't fit during his trial because it wasn't his! And maybe, just maybe, this is the other half of that murdery pair of gloves. Let's look at the evidence:
Judging solely from the NeighborGoodies table, there has clearly been some murderin' goin on around here. Maybe the killer of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman has been Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills amongst the other NeighborGooders all this time! OJ did say he "would not rest" until he found the real killer. And now that he's on trial for something else, the real killer can finally breathe easy without fear that OJ would find him.
The killer's first act would, of course, would be to ditch the disguises he has been donning for the last 14 years. Items such as these...
He clearly found some of his more recent costumes right here on the NeighborGoodies Table back in May! You can plainly see these same two pairs sunglasses right in the middle of this NeighborGoodies File Photo...
...which makes them the second (and third, I suppose) NeighborGoodie Rerun!
I can hear you all now: "Oh sweet, delusional, Jeff... Your blog is amazing, but you are talking nonsense. There's no proof. What about the murder weapon?"
They never did find the 'knife' that allegedly killed Nicole and Ronald. However, I did uncover this on the table right next to the glove:
To the casual observer, it just looks like some cheap jewelry you'd most certainly throw out. But, if you really look at it--it seems as though it is made from little pieces of broken glass strung together.
It's quite simple really: The killer likely presented this necklace to his victim as part of another gift--such as this jewelry box, cleverly shaped to look like a miniature china closet:
The victim opens the drawer (which would house the silverware if it was a full-sized cabinet) and finds the blue necklace. The killer confuses her--perhaps by telling her it is made of blue topaz--and before you know it, she's trying it on. As she looks in the mirror to see the piece of trash around her neck, she notices her killer slipping on a pair of gloves before grabbing the necklace from behind and pulling--creating what seem to be dozens of stab wounds to the throat--just like the ones that killed Nicole!
Done and done.
Well...now that I've cleared OJ's name, they can finally resume production on "Naked Gun 444: Why, God? Why?"
You're welcome, world.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Rerun!
When I was a kid, the summers always meant one thing: Reruns! But now with year-round programming by most of the networks, the summer reruns are a thing of the past....except here on the NeighborGoodies table!
I present to you the first NeighborGoodies Rerun!
Sharp-eyed readers will note that this anonymous painting was featured in the February 20, 2008 edition of NeighborGoodies. In the first DoubleNeighborGoodie Event in Recorded History, this painting has found its way back to the NeighborGoodies table!
What is it about this painting that drives each of its owners away? I'm no art critic, but I think it may be the fact that the fiery red section in the middle that makes people feel like they are descending into hell. Clearly, it's a representation of living in this shitass building. luxury.
I imagine the artist lives in the building and left it on the NeighborGoodies table in February to try to gain the satisfaction of knowing their art is hanging in someone's Luxurious Apartment here in the Hollywood Hills. "I'm just trying to get my art out there, man," I imagine him saying.
Upon seeing their beloved painting's return to the NeighborGoodies table, the original artist may have given up on art altogether, judging by these supplies that were also left on the table:
Although I'm pretty sure they couldn't have painted anything with a makeup pencil, a rock and whatever is inside that container at the top, they might very well have used this Styrofoam Mary Kay makeup palette to house their paints:
Of course...the painting could be a forgery--a cheap knockoff of the original piece of NeighborGoodies art.
