Get A Life

There's been a lot of activity on the NeighborGoodies Table over the past week, and I apologize for not reporting such insanity to you sooner.

This flurry of Goodies is really no surprise; As people move in or out at the beginning/end of each month, the unwanted items that don't fit in with their new homes often get Left Behind.

I took this photo last weekend, while I was doing laundry:

By the time my laundry was done... the sheer amount of crap on this table had more than doubled:
In fact, for the first time in NeighborGoodies History, there were so many Goodies on the Big Blue Table, items began to spill out into the hallway adjacent to the Laundry Room, creating a sort of NeighborGoodies Annex:

In another rare occurrence, I actually caught sight of the person leaving these items. He's lived down the hall from me for almost as long as I've lived in this building. The fact that we've never spoken probably comes as no surprise to you; As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a people-person. Especially when the "people" in question are sweaty, murdery/killy types who look kind of like Chris Elliot.

As the afternoon progressed, he would pop down with electronics...

...or clothes....

...or cleaning supplies...
...or other insane miscellany...
...all clearly in an effort to not have to transport any of these items to wherever the hell he's moving to. Because some of these items are pretty useful--excluding the duck literature, of course--I'm going to go ahead and assume that he has joined a cult and has been encouraged to move into their compound, where he has no need for DVD players, clothing or duck trivia. I mean, we do have several famously terrifying cults nearby in these luxurious Hollywood Hills who would just love to consume another soul. Why else would one leave behind a book like this:

Judging this book purely by its cover, one can only assume that "Pursuing Windows of Opportunity and Change" is some sort of cult manual designed to brainwash you into leaving behind all your worldly possessions...



...and joining their team of mind abusers. Need more proof? Read on, dear...uhh, reader.

These cults prey on the lonely, the confused, the abandoned. They isolate you from your family, friends, and money. Obviously, anything of any religious significance has no room in these cults...
...and because they lure their victims away from their social circle, you don't hear a lot about cult members making or decorating cakes....

...or about serving coffee with that cake...
...or playing board games while eating that delicious cake and drinking coffee...
...so clearly, my theory must be 100% correct.

My former neighbor, the Killy Chris Elliot has finally gotten a life... probably on some compound. But I'm sure he'll be back soon enough to harvest some more souls. Luckily, he was stupid enough to leave behind a weapon for me to protect myself:
After all: toy that could potentially blind you, yet is marketed to children by naming it after their grandfather, is an invaluable tool in fighting the cults and killers that roam the around the increasingly Dangerous (but still no less luxurious) Hollywood Hills.

All Mixed Up

Over the weekend, someone in the building did a full-on Media Cleanse, first getting rid of their dual cassette/CD player:


I'd say this is a pretty good find, except that it has no speakers... although some might argue that the cassette I found inside more than makes up for that:



A copy of 1996's "Older" by George Michael, which scored about zero hits in the States, but was a massive hit everywhere else in the world. In addition to "Older," this NeighborGooder also dumped the rest of their old audio tapes onto the Big Blue Table:

This collection seems to be made up entirely of crappy compilations, such as...
...Christmas Time with Elmo & Patsy (and others) featuring that wacky holiday anthem "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."


Elmo & Patsy are featured amongst more traditional crooners such as Gene Autry, Julie Andrews and, for some reason, Jim Nabors...
...who was TV's Gomer Pyle. But still, they get top billing on the cover of this cassette.

In addition to terrible holiday music, this box is also full of Mix Tapes. For the young whipper-snappers out there, Mix Tapes were something we did before we made Mix CDs, which were something we did before iPod Shuffles were a thing. Get off my lawn.

I believe Mix Tapes are second only to diaries if you want to get a glimpse inside of a person's head and find out just how weird they really are, especially if you find tapes that were only meant for the creator, such as "Ecclectic Instrumental..."
...or "Mellow Classical..."
...or the hopelessly generic "Mixed Music I."


I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these mix tapes, which are all haphazardly encased with no regard to each cassette's manufacturer (this woman was not brand loyal at all) all seem to be the lamest Mix Tapes Ever. Mellow Classical? BORING! Ecclectic Instrumental? First of all, spell eclectic right...and secondly, instrumental? Jesus, I'd hate to be on a road trip with this chick.

Mix tapes gained popularity in the 70's, with the introduction of Sony's Walkman. At the time, the record labels panicked and started slapping labels on all of their LP's and cassettes:

Turns out, the record labels were right... and mix tapes are why we don't have recorded music anymore. So as boring and terrible as these NeighborGoodies cassettes are, they may well be the last new music that was ever produced. Because Home Taping Killed Music. And this woman's terrible musical taste killed everyone around her.

Phoney

Before we get to the new NeighborGoodies, I want to give an update on what was left behind the other day. On Friday, this bag of cassette tapes and office supplies was left on the Big Blue Table:

Over the weekend, I noticed that some obsessive-compulsive NeighborGooder arranged the contents of the brown bag in order, seemingly so that any would-be takers would be able to see the full collection of Poison, Warrant & Skid Row albums available in this dead format:

They also put the assorted office supplies off to the side within the sack which, I later discovered...
...were pretty much the only things that anyone had any interest in during its tenure on the NeighborGoodies Table.

At the other end of the table, another bag of crazy appeared:

I looked inside and found this phone...
...these shoes...


...and this Triple Tropical Fruit Smoothie Blistex.


I think it's appropriate that one pair of these shoes have little skulls & crossbones on them...

..because clearly whoever dares to use this Tropical Blistex will be poisoned.

I know the economy is in a terrible state right now, but I have to put my foot down...and not into these filthy shoes. I've said it before on this blog, but apparently I need to reiterate it: No One Wants Your Ratty Used Ass-Sneakers. They just don't. YOU don't want them; what makes you think anyone else wants them? And, for the record: THEY DON'T WANT YOUR HERP-INFESTED LIP BALM EITHER!

Unless someone came upon the NeighborGoodies table after wandering the desert for weeks on end... their shoes in tatters and their lips blistering, I am going to go ahead and say that these items can safely be placed in the dumpster without hauling them from your apartment down into the laundry room.

The only item even mildly interesting in this sack is the red phone, which looks like it might have belonged to Commissioner Gordon:

The phone is quite heavy, and its weight (made up almost entirely of dust) along with the instructions on it imploring the user to "Wait for Dial Tone" actually made me think that this was an original, classic rotary type phone. But, upon closer inspection, it turns out to be an impostor! According to the back...

...this phone was manufactured in June of 2006. That, coupled with the fact that it isn't a rotary phone at all...
...makes me doubt its authenticity.

But it's still better than used Lip Balm.

Media Frenzy

In preparation for the Digital TV switchover here in the States, one NeighborGooder has donated all of their "classic" non-digital receivers and media to the Big Blue Table:

This rabbit ears attached to this Daewoo television initially made me think it was a 40 year old black and white set. However, this sticker tells a different story:

“Everyone loves a DVD…. New for 2005.”

I don’t understand. Did Daewoo just catch on to the DVD Bandwagon four years ago? Hadn’t Daewoo heard of DVD's for the first 10 years of their existence?

I suppose it's possible that this TV set really is in black and white; I mean if Daewoo is excited about this fancy "new" feature called a DVD player, perhaps color isn't something they've achieved yet. After all, they are still manufacturing TV's with rabbit-ears on them:

They have a remote, so some technology has clearly influenced them. I wonder if this was their first TV model without a VCR attached?

Speaking of VCRs: here's a semi-decent selection of movies that might actually be worth taking, if they weren't on VHS:


And, of course, what Media Cleanse would be complete without a sack of 80's Hair Metal Band cassette tapes...

...mixed in with various highlighters, Sharpies and pens?

So, if you are looking for some late 80's, early 90's era media and markers, the Luxurious Hollywood Hills has once again proven to be your one-stop-shop.

Year-End Blowout

Holy crap.

Apparently, there is a post-holiday surge that occurs on New Year's weekend on the NeighborGoodies Table. The amount of crap that has amassed on the Big Blue Table over the last few days is just ludicrous:


Frankly, I'm surprised the table didn't collapse under the weight of all these items. It'll take four thousand years to dig through this mess, so I'll just give you the highlights:

Inside of one of the white plastic trash bags is this pile of jolly uselessness:
Clearly, Santa's last stop before packing it up and moving back to the North Pole is the NeighborGoodies table, where drops off all of his undelivered items, such as leftover decorations...


...along with his beard, glasses...

...and trademark hat...
...complete with yellowing stains indicating just how hard he's been working through the holidays.

He also dropped off lots of unwanted gifts, like these royalty-themed books...

...which seem ROYALLY boring! There's also some non-royalty-themed books...

...which also fail to make me care. Santa also dropped off an open stack of tan paper...

...a terrifying faceless angel holding the kitty that sent her to heaven...

...this lovely lampshade and accompanying hot pink boa...
...a sack full of audio tapes...

...featuring such hits as "Renaissance Music for the Harp" and its follow-up smash "Irish Dance Tunes for All Harps: 50 Jigs, Reels, Hornpipes, and Airs!"And, of course, Christmas wouldn't be complete without a dual cassette tuner to play the cassettes on...
...and a basket to store them in.

There's already a pile of unwanted gifts amassing downstairs... And I will be happy to report on those tomorrow.