Here Come the NeighborGoodies... Again!

As California continues to keep the gays from getting married, I can't help but wonder if they're doing us a favor! After all, "Opposite Marriages" fall apart every day, as evidenced in today's pile of NeighborGoodies! So perhaps this slim majority isn't trying to take a stand against our civil rights--but instead are just trying to protect us from the horrors of wedlock!

Sure, marriages start off great--full of love and rings...
...but before long, groom after groom is disappointed when he learns all the secrets to his blushing bride's beauty, starting with the first time he wakes up and sees her wandering the house in these:

I didn't think it was possible, but this woman somehow has more hair clips than Bug's Bunny's nemesis, Witch Hazel:
Of course, the ladies aren't exactly winning any prizes either... especially on their first anniversary when their men come home with gifts like these...
...saying things like, "Well, you seem to like ironing so much, I just thought..." Of course, he never gets to finish his statement, as he's likely cut off by the sound of the slamming door.

Opposite marriage isn't all bad, though. After a big fight like that, couples will often have a romantic night together full of apologies, wine and chocolate and, of course, before long, they're starting a family:

And lord knows, the gays don't want a house full of children running around coloring their wedding presents with White-Out:

In fact, after reviewing the evidence, I move to invalidate all marriages, both opposite and same! Marriage just seems like a terrible idea!

Gee... if only there was some sort of television program that could make me believe in marriage again. Perhaps a cute, fun reality show--one that isn't full of backstabbery or grossness. One that won't make me feel dirty after I watch. One that shows the lighter side of love with insanely adorable challenges that test and celebrate the strength of a couple's marriage...

*Sigh* If only...

Oh wait! I forgot!!! There totally IS a show like that!!




Hooray! I believe in love again! And you will, too, after watching tonight's AMAZING Episode of Here Come the Newlyweds at 10/9 central on ABC!! It's the second episode of the season, but don't fret if you missed the first one, as there's a handy-dandy little recap for you at the start! Or, of course, you could watch the first hour free online!

Early buzz suggests that tonight's episode might actually change television in a profound and dramatic way... and I'm certainly not saying that because my editor and I worked tirelessly on it. Trust me: I'm saying it because you deserve to watch A Quality Television™ show that features Ass Grabbing, Dr. Ruth and people screaming at Comically Large Bugs:



Believe me when I tell you that ALL of your co-workers will be talking about how this show reinvigorated their marriages, changed their lives, and reminded them to call their exterminators. And you don't want to be the left-out jerk, do you?

Didn't think so. Happy viewing!

And don't forget: NeighborGoodies is on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace as well!

Battle of the Exes

Oh, hello there! Welcome back to NeighborGoodies!

Obviously my intention to present some posts while in Japan never came to fruition, so please forgive my absence. You see, Japan is an incredibly distracting land. And there is a lot of sake there. Consequently, there was a lot of sake inside of me, which prevented me from presenting you with these items.

As you'll recall from last week, there was a big pile of craziness on the table just waiting to be mocked rationally discussed:


Since I've just gotten back from Tokyo, let's focus first on this Japanese bracelet...


....ok, so maybe it's Chinese. Whatever the case, this pink item with many fancy dragons looks like it was probably made at a Claire's in Chinatown, where a set of hooker earrings was also purchased:

Based on the items surrounding these jewels, I'm going to go ahead and say, for once, that they did not belong to a murderer. There's been a lot of talk about killers here on NeighborGoodies, and I don't want to be "that guy" who is always looking at everyone in the building as if they are about to murder everyone else in the building (we could only be so lucky, after all.)

I will say, however, that these items likely belonged to the killer's latest victim. The hooker earrings alone are enough evidence to put anyone behind bars--serial killers love themselves some ho's!

But there were likely other non-whorey victims, based on these board games:

These "Battle of the Sexes" Games market themselves as family fun, what with their Far Side-like cartoon drawings of man & woman in deep thought, as they try to answer the burning question: "Which is the Smarter Sex?" I'm not sure why we need two different versions of this board game (One regular, the other an IQ Test) but some lucky spouse got home one night to find his betrothed ready to prove herself as the smarter half in their relationship once and for all.

Being of a competitive nature, the mister likely got angry when the wife began beating him. She, as has happened a thousand times before, got pissed off, started yelling at him about things that happened fifteen years ago, went into their bedroom, slammed the door, opened it again, put this on the outside...

...and slammed it again.

The husband, tired of his wife always communicating via terribly non-hilarious drawings picked up at Spencer's, grabbed the nearest item--also picked up at Spencer's...

...his beloved Pet Rock, whom he often said was like a son to him, since the barren witch he married couldn't give him one, and smashed the door in... followed quickly by her skull.

Obviously the evidence was once again placed on NeighborGoodies Table in order for the world to see.

It's exhausting living in luxury.

Forbidden Love

Over the weekend, love & romance filled the hearts of many people around the world for Valentine's Day. It was a time to cuddle with a loved one, have a romantic dinner, nibble on some chocolates perhaps... and most of all, to lose yourself within the undying love of your partner.

Except for those of us who are still alone. We got F'd. Again.

One NeighborGooder who has clearly been getting F'd over and over again on Valentine's Day, has finally decided to rid herself of the terrible gifts she's gotten over the years on this hopelessly idiotic holiday:

Although candles can be romantic in the proper context, the "Forbidden Fruit" candle-in-a-jar is really not the route to go when buying fire for your partner. Despite the label urging you to "Light a candle, create your own moments... often," the moments created by the stench of the Forbidden Fruit are often accompanied by dizziness, nausea and vomiting.

Or perhaps those are just side effects of this woman being roofied by her Valentine.

This woman was also presented with some fancy perfume to help spice things up:

The bottle looks cool, but no matter what I did to it, the genie wouldn't come out. Useless.

Also useless:
This pair of pink square earrings with some sort of... something drawn on them is really just the worst gift anyone could get on Valentine's Day; even if they were given in the 1980's when these things were somehow real items.

I really can't tell what the design is supposed to be. Are they birds? Some sort of music notes? Bagpipes? It's impossible to discern, mostly because I took a pretty crappy job of photographing these items. I was in a rush as I heard voices coming towards the Laundry Room, and I certainly don't want to be caught taking pictures of things on the Big Blue Table.

What would the neighbors think? I'm the one judging them, it can't be the other way around. It's unnatural.