The Gospel According to Hussies

I got a text message last week from the NeighborGoodies Ally--my friend who Lives in Luxury downstairs from me that discovered the blog not too long ago. He and his fiancée wanted to alert me of the following collection of Girl Power, God Power and, well, Smut:

First up, some Girl Power:

Books with titles such as "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday and "The Sensuous Woman" by someone only known as "J"...

...how could these not be high quality? "Women on Top" is, according the book cover, the source for "How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies." Meanwhile, the Sensuous Woman (Brought to you by the letter "J") is billed as "The Runaway Best Seller That Changed the Way Women Make Love." Personally, I feel like these descriptions were switched at the Book Factory... or wherever it is that books come from.

These books are, of course, in direct contrast to the God Power items, with titles such as "The Promise of God"...
...which, for the record is billed as "A Novel," and something called Power for Living...

...which may or may not be a religious book, but judging by its cover (which, yes, I'm going to do. Try and stop me!) it is a preachy piece of literature that tells you if you find God, everything will magically fall into place.

Finally, there's the undoubtedly religious "Here We Stand..."

...which is "An Exposition of the Apostles' Creed." For those of you who didn't grow up Catholic, the Apostles' Creed is one of the longer prayers we had to endure in school--they didn't even bother throwing it at us until the fourth grade, along with long division and writing with actual ink, as opposed to pencils. (Fourth grade was a big year!)

Because it was drilled into our heads, I can still remember every line of this monologue, even though I haven't set foot inside a church since I began living a Sinful Alternative Lifestyle. And while it's true it was a massive prayer, I am 100% positive that if I were to do a dissertation on it, I could likely describe the creed in LESS THAN FOUR audio cassettes:

I mean: WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Who needs to dissect a prayer over FOUR CASSETTES? What hidden meanings could this piece of work have? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good that someone out there is questioning the prayer itself, as opposed to rattling it off like sheep as we were forced to do in grade school, but I have to believe that you could maybe do it in a speech that is under four hours.

And right smack in the middle of all of these items on the NeighborGoodies Table is an unholy, unsanitary mix of both Girl Power and God Power:

This miniature New Testament, coupled with this even more miniature turquoise, polka-dotted, frilly thong is really like looking at the battle of Good versus Evil right here in a Laundry Room in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills. Personally, I'm not sure who to root for. But I do know one thing: Not even God wants to touch that bible after it's been near those panties, Girl Power be damned.

Pity The Fools

OK, OK, so maybe I'm not getting forcibly removed from my Life of Luxury as reported yesterday, April 1: The Day of the Fool. And maybe no one really threatened to "beat me into a diabetic coma." And perhaps nobody is actually throwing eggs and/or feces at me (although I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before that one actually happens to me...)

I apologize if my lies have harmed you because, as I'm sure we all know, lying is immoral, and I shall repent immediately:


Reading Morality for Beautiful Girls seems like a good start. Sure, I'm not a beautiful girl, but I'm sure the major principals are the same. Although whoever left this book on the NeighborGoodies clearly didn't read the chapter about not leaving your unwashed unmentionables lying around...


Harlot.

Oh, by the way...did I mention NeighborGoodies is on Twitter now? Go check it out! But, for the love of all that is holy, please try keep your underwear on.

Dirty Devils

Howdy! Hope your Halloween weekend was full of spooky, scary fun! The NeighborGoodies Table certainly saw its share of Halloween adventures over the weekend. On Saturday, this pre-packaged "Sinister Devil" costume showed up:

Despite one of Satan's sleeves hanging out of the bag, this costume appeared to be unused, the result of Halloween plans falling through, I assumed. But then a few hours later, this pitchfork appeared:
I realized that while Devil costume was, in fact, unused, the pitchfork wasn't there when I first took the photo of the costume-in-a-bag. What sort of Halloween Chicanery is this!? Why would someone remove the pitchfork from the costume? Clearly, there's something unholy happening in the halls here in the Hollywood Hills.

Here are the facts:

1. "Sinister Devil" costume is left, pitchfork having been removed.
2. "Sinister Devil" pitchfork shows up hours later, after someone had already taken the costume off the table, presumably to use it for a party on Saturday evening.
3. Someone clearly removed the pitchfork from the costume in order to use it in some sort of Halloween Massacre™.
4. In addition to the Pitchfork, two other possible murder weapons were found on the Big Blue Table! This pair of expensive, deadly scissors:

...which was clearly used to stab someone after the pitchfork had already been inserted into an oraface. Then there's this extremely dangerous...

...ice cream scooper... which was likely used to carve out eyes and brains of the Sinister Devil's victim!

A body has not yet been recovered in the neighborhood, but these pieces of terrifying evidence continue to pile up. Including the most frightening item of all:

...the young co-ed victim's pink thong! Because unless you were dead, there is NO OTHER REASON to leave your dirty effing underwear on my NeighborGoodies Table.

Clearly, not enough people were killed in my building over Halloween.

Umm...I mean "Have a great week!"

Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Or: A Bloody Good Time)

This is, by far, absolutely the most disgusting entry you will ever see on this blog.

It is so disgusting, in fact, that I am posting it on a Sunday afternoon in the hopes that no one will actually read it.

If you are squeamish, maybe you can go read some of the lighter fare on this very blog--perhaps catch up on some of the older posts you may have missed, like the one about the Mormon Flicks, or any of the posts about the Art people leave. Who doesn't love art??

You could even swing by the NeighborGoodies MySpace page or even the Fan Page on Facebook!

There are also plenty of other blogs you can read in the links section! I myself contribute to All Bitched Up sometimes. And there's always Found Magazine, because clearly we all love Things that We Found!

I'm serious. This NeighborGoodie is nas. tee.

Of course, if you absolutely must see the Most Vile NeighborGoodie Ever, then hold on tight.

********

Still here?

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

I saw this the other day on the table, and didn't really pay much attention to it. Sometimes clothes wind up on the Table which clearly were accidentally left in a dryer after a laundry cycle. Usually these items consist of single socks or washcloths... and, every now and again, some women's delicates (although that term has no business here.)

Such items don't usually warrant a post, as they are gone within a few hours, and weren't actually left by someone for NeighborGoodies Purposes. But I was talking to a Neighbor this week who asked, "Did you see the purple panties down there?"

Keep in mind, no one in the building knows about the blog... so I tried to play it cool: "Yeah, I saw them..." The Neighbor began to rant about how gross they were for a bit, and I didn't understand his ire until he used the phrase "Period Stained" to describe them.

I hadn't noticed any stainage on them, but as I said, I hadn't been paying much attention.

However, I did go to the NeighborGoodies Table later with my friend Keith and discovered (much to both our horrors) that my Neighbor was right.

Someone left a pair of panties down there, completely and utterly.... stained.

And if, for some reason, you absolutely must have a look at them, click here and here. Because I don't want to put the pictures up on the actual blog. But seriously--you don't want to see them.

Now you know why you should never take things from your local NeighborGoodies Table.