Round, Round Robins

A few weeks ago, a million billion records showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:


Now, as we all know, vinyl is dead (much like those records' original gay owner, I suspect) but one person managed to breathe new life into some of these musty old musicals.

Behold:

As the longtime reader(s) of this blog know, there's an Artsy Neighbor in the building who sometimes takes pieces from the NegihborGoodies table to make his own creations.

Apparently, he decided to share his art this time, taking the records from a few weeks ago and turning them into some sort of tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedrin:


I'm not really sure what possessed him to paint over the Gayest LP's in the Universe...


...but one thing's for sure: The B-side to this Mary Poppins soundtrack is... For The Birds!


GET IT? Cuz he painted BIRDS on it!

ahem... oksorry.

Go Team Go!

Before I begin ranting about today's items, I want to give a big shout-out to Jenny over at Yard Sale Bloodbath. Jenny shares my passion for other people's used nonsense and she's always been a big supporter of NeighborGoodies. In fact, she was our first major plug a while back (check it out here.) Well, last week, Jenny did it again, this time alerting the media to the Most Alarming NeighborGoodie Ever. A reporter from Seattle's own The Stranger picked up the story for the Slog, causing a million billion people from the Seattle area to pop over to our little corner of the internet.

So... hello to our new Pacific Northwest friends, and thanks Jenny! And thanks also to Blog Will Eat Itself, a new "occasional blog blogging obscure blogs," which featured NeighborGoodies last week as well:

Of course, they also chose to prominently feature that terrifying Baby Gl*ry H*le in all its... well, "gl*ry." But we love the love, so thanks!

These exciting developments prove that with Teamwork, we can Achieve the Extraordinary! Or, at least, that's what this lovely out-of-date calendar would have you believe:

This 2009 planner was, for some reason, given to someone in the building by their dentist. Because nothing says Teamwork quite like a fluoride treatment. Remember: It Takes Two to Rinse™.

This is one of those things that winds up on the Table for no good reason. Who the hell wants a planner that's a year old? The person who had this has a trash can in their apartment: Use it. Do they think someone, somewhere in the building is just camping out in the laundry room thinking, "Why spend money on a planner? One will turn up. The year doesn't matter; the months all have the same number of days in them! It's not a leap year, so fuck it!"

It's about as likely as someone thinking, "I need a dentist. If only one's name and number would appear on some trash in the Laundry Room, I could finally get this root canal and stop living my life in blinding pain! OH LOOK! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!! Optimum Dentistry, Here I Come!"

No. None of this is happening. Throw. It. Away. IN THE TRASH. Before I knock the rest of your teeth out, idiot.

Go Team!

...

Oh... sorry. Didn't mean to lash out there. Anyway, the Teamwork planner was on the Table inside of this bag...


...along with what the 99-cent store refers to as "Art."

"Framed Art," to be exact.

Some of the Framed Art is generic enough...


...and some of it is, well...this:


... and the rest of it? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because the rest of it is truly Life Enhancing.

I don't know about you, but I very often find myself looking toward the Marvel Universe in order to find ways to achieve greatness within my own life.

For example, I had a fear of commitment until I saw this:


It reads "Commitment: To fight when others fold, pursue while others retreat, conquer while others quit, and make right when all else is wrong." Thanks, Fantastic Four, for making me not fear commitment any longer. Especially you, Chris Evans. Especially you.

Ahem. Anyway, if the Fantastic Four aren't quite your style, Spidey has the same message for you:


So if webbing doesn't frighten you, this Framed Art would be perfect for your home or office.

The good folks at Marvel noted that were armed with a vast library of characters and an unending stream of cheesy sayings, s0 the Possibilities of more Motivational Posters were endless:


See?

But as Spidey was told in his first movie... With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, so you don't want to saturate the market, or else these things might wind up in dollar stores across the nation...

...before being thrown out in a passive-aggressive way.

All of these things have inspired me to create my own motivational art... for you:


Well... I'm sure as hell motivated. Aren't you?

Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...


...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"


Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.


Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...


Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

Killer Art

As you know, most of the NeighborGoodies featured on this blog come directly from Hell. They are filthy, possibly cursed objects that nobody ever, ever wants.

Ever!

But then there are the rare Goodies that, in my opinion, should be displayed in museums--homemade items that are nothing short of works of art! Of course, that's not to say they aren't also from hell:

First up is this remarkably dark and twisted collage. With words like murder...
and phrases like "scream 'help' like a little girl" highlighted, it's clear this piece was inspired by the artist's life amongst the killers here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Flipping over this masterpiece, you'll find the artist's full name...
...along with the teacher's name from her Art III Honors class, who no doubt had Randi thrown into counseling the second she turned this project in.

(Note: All pertinent info has been blurred out to protect the gothy high school artist girl from future acts of violence against her. And, of course, to prevent said artist/murderer from Googling herself and finding out that we know she's a would-be killer.)

After being hauled off to counseling, Randi returned to honors art and revealed herself as no longer being afraid--but is a strong young woman, looking to keep her GPA up:

I seriously cannot believe how amazing this painting is. The montage of tiger and woman speaks volumes. Randi's inner beast is now unleashed in her art, as if to say "Raaaar! I'm a tiger! Do not attack me, for I will Raaar at you! Now I must get a scholarship to lesbian school! Because without college, I will have a dark future! And with my uncertain past...

...I have NO ONE LEFT TO TRUST! RAAAAR!!!!!"

Good luck in Lesbian School, Randi. We here at NeighborGoodies certainly hope to see more of your art here very soon!

Art Attack

The other day, I was waiting for the elevator and, as usual, I went to peer into NeighborGoodies Central (with camera in hand, of course) to see if anything was on the Big Blue Table. As I was doing so, one of my fellow residents was on his way out of the laundry room. I froze in my tracks--I didn't realize anyone else was around, and I don't want anyone in the building knowing about this little project, out of fear that it would compromise the integrity of The NeighborGoodies.

Luckily, all the neighbors slyly check out the Table while waiting for the elevators and he assumed I was doing the same. He reported, "There's no free stuff on the table today." He seemed genuinely bummed out, and I shared his misery. I've seen him around the building before: He's an adorably tiny, friendly guy, probably in his mid-20's with cool hair and lots of piercings.

He's pretty chatty usually and this time he revealed that he's an artist... and that he likes to remove the items from the Table in order to create art projects out of them. Obviously, I was shocked. The fact that the garbage on the Big, Blue Table has inspired another form of creativity made me feel an instant bond. He began to tell me about how he picked up something a few weeks ago, painted over it to make a blank canvas--and now he's got a fresh piece of art hanging in his Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment. I immediately knew he was talking about this item.

I was thisclose to not only falling madly in love with him, but also to violating the Golden Rule of Anonymity for this blog by sharing its link with him. I knew I could trust my fellow artist. I wanted him to know he wasn't alone in his passion for the NeighborGoodies. Heck, I wanted him to know that there was a name for the NeighborGoodies. I was about to ask him if he puts any of his artwork on the internet, as I think it'd be cool to see what he's doing with the objects you read about here. However, before I could, the elevator door opened, and inside there were Other, Non-Artsy folks. The People Who Wouldn't Understand. As we stepped in and the doors closed, our conversation ceased, oppressed by the non-creative thinkers.

He wished me a good day as he got off on his floor and I immediately knew how Spiderman felt. With great power comes great responsibility--and I have a responsibility to you, the reader, to make sure the NeighborGoodies continue with no outside influences. And so, for now, Artsy Guy can not know about NeighborGoodies. Unless I'm drunk in the elevator one day when he comes in.

Today on the Table, our little friend has lots of items to play with. First up:

We have here a set of five Crayola glitter markers, perfect for our Artsy Guy to fancy-up any of his works-in-progress... or to use on these:

This pair of stained sofa pillows could go from "blah"to "hoorah!" with just a touch of glitter pen magic!

And, though I'm no artist, I bet he could also make use out of these half-empty tubes of skin cream:


And finally, he could take photos of his newest creations and place them in this stylish high heel picture holder:

Hopefully he will do so, and leave the images on the NeighborGoodies table for all the world to see. If not... I'll just have to sneak into his apartment and take my own pictures of the art (and only the art. Honest.)

Can anyone train me to break & enter?

Artistic Integrity

To the untrained eye, this might seem like just a normal piece of trash:

But as I stared at this seemingly useless and busted-ass paper towel holder, I began to wonder, as I often do, why anyone wouldn't just throw this thing away. It takes a lot more effort to drag this thing out of your Luxurious Apartment and bring it downstairs into the Laundry Room than simply tossing it into your trash can.

When I looked slightly to the right, however, I had my answer. It's not trash: It's art!

Specifically, it's an artistic project from a graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design. Using a series of sophisticated machinery...

...and art supplies...
...some NeighborGooder created a masterpiece!


I certainly hope this teaches you rubes a lesson in art.

Happy Holidaze

Greetings NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts! I'm back from my tropical vacation and ready to face the Laundry Room trash once again!

But first, I wanted to thank the kind folks over at Yard Sale Bloodbath for the extremely kind shout-out over the weekend. I’d like to welcome the new readers who sailed over here from the Blood Bath, and I hope you enjoy your stay! For those of you who haven't seen YSBB yet, I highly recommend it!

OK, now on to the NeighborGoodies! I went on a small holiday this weekend, so it’s only appropriate that I’ve found some holiday-themed items on The Big Blue Table.

Upon first glance, these three sheets of wrapping paper, all made by the “Save the Children Foundation," seem like timely and appropriate NeighborGoodies, since Christmas is a mere two months away. But let's take a closer look at these objects...

What’s unique about them is that the artists’ name and the title of the wrapping paper design is on each of the sheets. First up is 1997’s “My Angel” by Elizabeth, Age 8:

Elizabeth's generic "Happy Holidays" message is perfect for any December gift-giving fiasco you may have to endure. However, I do have one question about this drawing: What is the angel carrying?

She seems to be equipped with a wand of some sort—perhaps she’s using it to make those stars that are floating all around her. Or maybe it’s a Halo-er™--A magical stick which gives halos to those who deserve them. I suppose it could also be a Holy Magnifying Glass, used to solve any heavenly holiday mysteries that may arise during the season. That's my vote, since the simplest answers are usually correct.

Whatever the item, Elizabeth gets a solid "A" in my book!

Next up is “Antarctic Christmas” by Julia, Age 7:


This piece from the year 2000 features some festive looking presents along with some frigid penguins donning their gay apparel. Well, at least I think they’re penguins. This one could actually be a snowman, wearing a fake carrot nose and an ill-fitting jacket....

...and a bell.

Why is he wearing a bell? Is he a Christmas leper?

Julia, your message is confusing and your hatred of lepers is outdated at best. I don’t know how Save the Children ever put this yuletide travesty on a sheet of paper, to be perfectly honest.

C-.

Our last piece in the NeighborGoodies Museum of Art is this collection of multicultural kids is 1994's “Children of the World” by Laura, Age 14.


Despite its title, this piece does little to promote racial harmony. Aside from two African-American kids and this one quasi-offensively drawn Asian kid...

...most of the children depicted are white. But, to her credit, Laura does promote an unusually high tolerance for kids in overalls and berets:

...and isn't that really what Pre-Halloween Christmas is all about?