Going Down?

Over the years, the elevators here in this fine establishment I like to call home have been spotty at best. They were constantly breaking down, only working about 30% of the time. This prompted a 'major upgrade' last year, after which they immediately stopped working altogether. This is a problem, as the elevators are the most convenient way to get to the NeighborGoodies Table--especially for the heavy things.

Recently, a new upgrade project was initiated and as of this weekend, both elevators were restored to proper working order, much to the shock of everyone in the building.

Even more shocking is the fact that after two full days of uninterrupted service (a record!), I found part of the newly-working (but-now-broken-again) elevators on the NeighborGoodies Table:


Here, we have the frosted translucent glass that once covered the overhead lights in the elevators. There is also what looks to be a fan... although it could very well be the motor or the brakes for all I know. Either way, if the elevators are going to wind up on the NeighborGoodies table piece by piece, I'm taking the stairs.

Apparently, the building management has just given up on having elevators at all, and are donating them to anyone who might like to build one in the comfort of their own home! Finally, a way for you to access those hard-to-reach areas!

Or perhaps this is a cry for help. Maybe they want the residents to take a crack and fixing these things, since whoever they're hiring doesn't seem to be working out. Or maybe they're working on extending the elevator shaft directly to hell. That might take a while.

Oh wait... no it won't.

A Place for Tiny Stuff

Luxury has apparently taken a holiday in the Hollywood Hills, as the elevators are broken again. Actually, the proper sentence might be: "The elevators are broken. Still....even though they somehow charged the residents forty grand to fix them less than a year ago." But I digress.

With the elevators being the easiest way to access the NeighborGoodies table, people have been utilizing it less and less. When they do drop stuff off, it's usually small--something that can be carried in the palm of your hand. Something such as...


. . .a Palm Pilot! But not just any Palm! No--this is 1999's classic Palm V! Imagine! All of your contacts and email at your fingertips! Well...actually, all of a NeighborGooder's contacts and email at your fingertips! But who doesn't want to read the email of people living in luxury? I know I do--especially if it's available to me with all the glory of pre-y2k technology!

Also up for the taking is this zip drive...


...which will be especially handy when archiving your list of ancient technological artifacts.

Other tiny things on the table include this container:

This tiny bowl with a teensy lid is about the size of the palm of my hand, and seems like it is designed to hold approximately forty cents in change, some paper clips... and maybe Lily Tomlin.

We've also got this square tin container. . .


...featuring, for some reason, a picture of the Virgin Mary. I can't really think of any conceivable use for this item...but it does have a lid!

Of course, I also thought this used dog toy was useless:

I mean...who wants an old, chewed dog toy? This thing could have been in any filthy mutt's maw--including the apartment manager's! (Which, for the record, is nastier than her dogs' mouths. Hey-o!)

But immediately after I secretly took this picture, Elvis, the best puppy in the building, came in with his owner, who snapped the ball right up. Elvis didn't seem to mind one bit, and the NeighborGoodies Table has once again served its purpose of Stuff Transference.

In other news, you have probably heard by now that George Carlin, one of our greatest comedians, has died. I don't need to tell you how hilarious this guy was, or how inspiring his comedy was to me. Instead, I'll leave you with this piece of classic Carlin, which seems oddly appropriate for NeighborGoodies:

RIP, George Carlin. If you need a place for your stuff...feel free to utilize the Big Blue Table!

One Night Stand

This morning on my way out, I discovered the elevators were down. Again. So I had to exit the building and re-enter through the garage in order to make my way back into NeighborGoodies Central.

Unfortunately, I was too late. I saw a young couple leaving with a lightweight wicker night stand/end table thing. As I was pretending to wait with them for the elevator that never came, the couple squealed with delight at their new acquisition. Clearly, taking a photo of it would have been strange, as my anonymity is of the utmost importance to the Neighborgoodies Project... but I got a pretty good look at it.

Standing about three feet high and made of that dark Pier 1 type of wicker, it looked like it weighed less than an ounce. It was about 3 feet tall, but only about 8 square inches wide. The tiny stand also includes a drawer, perfect for storing any bibles or small remote controls you'd like to keep out of sight.

Of course, the couple may have different intentions. A neighbor of mine right in this very building had a similar table in his bedroom that he used as a "sex drawer," where he kept all of his unmentionables. He told me that it once belonged to his grandmother.

I said, "Really? You're using your grandmother's antique table as a sex drawer?" His reply was: "Well, it was probably her sex drawer, too."

We don't speak anymore. And that's also why I don't take any of the Neighborgoodies. You never know what the previous owner's grandparents were doing with it.