Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Today we have everything you could possibly need to brighten up your morning. Some NeighborGooder was quite obviously cleaning out their Luxurious Hollywood Hills kitchen and disposed of essentials such as...

...the best selling "Joy of Cooking." Since its first printing in 1931 (!!) this book has found its way into just about everyone's kitchen. Well, everyone's except mine because I don't know how to cook. In fact, I don't know anything about anything in the kitchen, except how to eat. And make a mess. Those are the two things I do well. And while I do make a hell of a Banana Surprise and a decent bowl of cereal, there is no Joy in Cooking for me. I could even toast a bagel if I really put my mind to it... but they always get so stale! What's a boy to do?

Oh, I know! A Bagel Jar™!


I've never seen a container like this, so I'm happy that it is very clearly labeled. I don't say this very often in connection with items on the Big Blue Table, but these two items might actually be of use to someone. A recipe book and a relatively clean-looking storage container for your delicious bagels really aren't so bad, compared to what's usually in the laundry room. Hey, if they weren't sitting on a table that was crawling with infectious diseases, I might even advocate taking these things.

Even this 1960's era percolator isn't so bad, really:

I mean, I'd certainly never drink anything out of it (Remember The Golden Rule: We Must Never Consume Anything from the NeighborGoodies Table!) but it'd be a cool decorative piece.

Even if, for some reason, you did want to drink out of it, I'm not sure if you could:

I don't know what the insides of a percolator is supposed to look like, but I'm pretty sure this is not it:

Or maybe it is. I don't know crap about Hippie-era technology.
But one thing I do know: That 40 year old percolator is in WAY better condition than this ultra-modern pile of filth:
Let me give you a closer look at this thing:



As you can see, this is a whole new level of disgustingness, even for the NeighborGoodies Table.
I can't help but wonder if this was left by the same guy who dropped off the nasty water purifier not too long ago.


Like I said, I don't know anything about kitchens, but I do know that this level of grime doesn't just happen. This was done out of spite. This has to be the result of some sort of argument between roommates over who does the dishes or who cleans the bathroom or who drank who's Yoo-hoo. It's as if they were using actual pieces of earth instead of coffee grounds to make their morning beverage. And while dirt is chock full of minerals, I think I'll stick with my Cheerios instead.

I joke about this a lot, but this time I mean it: If anyone tried to use this thing, they could ACTUALLY die. And not a fake comedy death... they would be, you know DEAD dead! And this was IN someone's apartment... for a LONG, LONG time by the looks of it.

And this is why we don't go to the Neighbors' places for brunch here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

No Thanks.

Hi! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving! I certainly had a blast, but I can't say the same for some NeighborGooders who seem to have spent the last few days trying to eliminate all memories of the weekend.

Holidays are always stressful no matter what--especially if you have guests in town--so it doesn't seem all that strange to me that immediately after a Big Holiday Meal, someone unceremoniously dumped their plates, their pots. . .

. . .and their silverware onto the NeighborGoodies Table...

...almost, it seems, in an effort to ensure that no one can ever come to their Luxurious Home in the Hollywood Hills for a holiday meal again. Based on the overwhelming circumstantial evidence, I believe I can piece together what occurred on this Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills--and it isn't pretty.

Along with your unwanted house guests, the presence of a scale is almost certainly unwelcome during the holiday season. Especially if, for example, said guest is your cranky mother-in-law who constantly needles you about your weight.

With the economic crisis, coupled with the stress of the holidays and a case or two of red wine; one little comment too many and suddenly BLAM! You've got a Thanksgiving Double Homicide on your hands.

One moment you're picking off the last of the turkey and the next, one of your house guests is being carved up with an ass full of stuffing while another is being pureed into a Hate Pie with this lovely blender:

If you look closely, I think you can see skin cells, hair follicles and signs of human struggle on the lid:


In an effort to sober the attacker and calm any survivors down, someone brews a pot of decaf...

...while trying to clear up any evidence of mashed-face potatoes, gran-berry sauce and screamed corn. And man-yams™. Because there are almost certainly some man-yams around when all is said and done.

Now calm, the chef-turned-Thanksgiving Killer insists on dumping the evidence--and any chance of another dinner party--onto the Big Blue NeighborGoodies table. Now, any would-be visitors would have no plates to eat from, no utensils to eat with, and no coffee to drink...


...and certainly no non-dairy creamer or coffee stirrers if they somehow sneak in with a cup of their own coffee. After all, our hosts certainly don't want a repeat of the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, which seems almost unavoidable with another set of holidays coming up.

On the other hand, I suppose all this stuff could be on the NeighborGoodies Table simply because someone moved out at the end of the month.

Either way, I wouldn't eat any leftovers from this building. Just in case.

With Great Power...

Hey! Who wants some free, totally opened and probably laced with cyanide or anthrax Coffee Filters!!!!

There is, I'm sure, nothing wrong with these coffee filters at all. It's perfectly natural to just leave an open box of coffee filters out for your neighbors whom you love unconditionally. Seriously. I'm sure there is no danger whatsoever that these coffee filters have been covered with rat poison. But I can see why you're confused... The box of Artificial Sweetener...

...looks just like the box of rat poison:
(Except for the skull & crossbones on the label, of course.)

Still not convinced? What if the Neighbor who left this also implied that the coffee you make with these filters will give you...

...Unlimited Power!!!! These coffee filters are (I assume, considering how close they are in proximity to the book) the Way To Peak Personal Achievement!

No? Not buying it?

Yeah, neither am I. I don't know how many times I have to say it: DON'T take any consumables from the NeighborGoodies Table! You'll surely perish! (See Sunday's entry if you're still wondering why.)

Hmm...I think I've had too much caffeine today.... Maybe I should switch to Sanka: