International Week!

It's International Week™ at NeighborGoodies! What makes it International™?

Well, it was St. Patrick's Day yesterday, and that's Irish. And today, there's a bunch of Mexican stuff on the Big Blue Table. How much more International can we be?

Clearly, one of the people Living in Luxury here in the Hollywood Hills considers themselves a world traveler, just because they popped down to Tijuana for the weekend.

Behold these two sets of Authentic Mexican Maracas...
...along with, for some reason, a bunch of thread. INTERNATIONAL THREAD, I BET!

I'm no Sewing Artist, but I bet someone with some talent could make a sexy little dress out of that thread. An international dress, perhaps:

The Mexican Salsa-Diva NeighborGooder also may have created these items, as they reek of international homemade nonsense:


I have no idea what this pink hat thing is supposed to be...


..but the item next to it is, undoubtedly...

...a taco. Made of fabric. With yellow felt cheese, tomatoes...even a scallion! All wrapped neatly inside a black (possibly tweed) shell.


Now I'm no cook, but even I know you can't eat a taco made out of felt. It's likely this could have started off as a real International Taco, was taken across the border as a leftover, and now, heaven-only-knows how many months later, some sort of rot-related molecular-shift occurred. (They don't use preservatives like we do here in The States... perhaps they should start.)

Of course, it's also entirely likely that this NeighborGooder never left Los Angeles, and picked up all of these things at a terrible "Tex-Mex" chain restaurant:

And if that's the case, well... this wasn't a very International™ post at all.

Umm... waitress?

Check, por favor.

Round, Round Robins

A few weeks ago, a million billion records showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:


Now, as we all know, vinyl is dead (much like those records' original gay owner, I suspect) but one person managed to breathe new life into some of these musty old musicals.

Behold:

As the longtime reader(s) of this blog know, there's an Artsy Neighbor in the building who sometimes takes pieces from the NegihborGoodies table to make his own creations.

Apparently, he decided to share his art this time, taking the records from a few weeks ago and turning them into some sort of tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedrin:


I'm not really sure what possessed him to paint over the Gayest LP's in the Universe...


...but one thing's for sure: The B-side to this Mary Poppins soundtrack is... For The Birds!


GET IT? Cuz he painted BIRDS on it!

ahem... oksorry.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...


...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"


Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.


Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...


Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

All Mixed Up

Over the weekend, someone in the building did a full-on Media Cleanse, first getting rid of their dual cassette/CD player:


I'd say this is a pretty good find, except that it has no speakers... although some might argue that the cassette I found inside more than makes up for that:



A copy of 1996's "Older" by George Michael, which scored about zero hits in the States, but was a massive hit everywhere else in the world. In addition to "Older," this NeighborGooder also dumped the rest of their old audio tapes onto the Big Blue Table:

This collection seems to be made up entirely of crappy compilations, such as...
...Christmas Time with Elmo & Patsy (and others) featuring that wacky holiday anthem "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."


Elmo & Patsy are featured amongst more traditional crooners such as Gene Autry, Julie Andrews and, for some reason, Jim Nabors...
...who was TV's Gomer Pyle. But still, they get top billing on the cover of this cassette.

In addition to terrible holiday music, this box is also full of Mix Tapes. For the young whipper-snappers out there, Mix Tapes were something we did before we made Mix CDs, which were something we did before iPod Shuffles were a thing. Get off my lawn.

I believe Mix Tapes are second only to diaries if you want to get a glimpse inside of a person's head and find out just how weird they really are, especially if you find tapes that were only meant for the creator, such as "Ecclectic Instrumental..."
...or "Mellow Classical..."
...or the hopelessly generic "Mixed Music I."


I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these mix tapes, which are all haphazardly encased with no regard to each cassette's manufacturer (this woman was not brand loyal at all) all seem to be the lamest Mix Tapes Ever. Mellow Classical? BORING! Ecclectic Instrumental? First of all, spell eclectic right...and secondly, instrumental? Jesus, I'd hate to be on a road trip with this chick.

Mix tapes gained popularity in the 70's, with the introduction of Sony's Walkman. At the time, the record labels panicked and started slapping labels on all of their LP's and cassettes:

Turns out, the record labels were right... and mix tapes are why we don't have recorded music anymore. So as boring and terrible as these NeighborGoodies cassettes are, they may well be the last new music that was ever produced. Because Home Taping Killed Music. And this woman's terrible musical taste killed everyone around her.

Angel's Ashes

If you need this book...

..."The Flirt Coach's Guide to Finding the Love You Want," chances are you, like me, are going to die alone. While I am hoping to do so quickly, whoever initially picked up this book clearly is in no hurry, as they are trying to find someone to torment for the rest of their lives.

The Flirt Coach has a series of books out... but this one, according to Amazon, has a simple philosophy: "We can only find the love we want when we start being who we truly are."

I initially thought that maybe someone dropped off this book after being successful at snagging a partner, but judging by the other items left on the table, I started thinking maybe that isn't the case.

Is it possible that any of the passages include advice on how to give the perfect gift for your angel?

Or that the book includes a section on how to provide unique and sensual kisses?

If so, I'm guessing that a ceramic violin-playing cherub and a hand-decorated empty wine bottle isn't quite what the Flirt Coach--or this NeighborGooder's former potential partner--had in mind.

Imagine being presented either of these items from someone hitting on you. If anyone over the age of eight hands me something and says, "I made this for you," I tend to think it's going to explode. Unless it's an empty, decorated wine bottle... in which case it is my head that will explode.

Is it Wine O'clock Yet?

The Nightmare After Christmas

It's shocking to me that a full month after the holiday, people in my building are still getting rid of their dead Christmas trees. Every few days since the beginning of the year, the elevators and halls get littered with the brownish/green remains of these ghosts of Christmas past, as they are dragged through the building and left on the curb outside.

Likewise, there's been lots of Holiday-Themed NeighborGoodies dragged onto the Big Blue Table since the Holidays have ended. Decorations so hideous, they are sure to ruin anyone's good cheer with swift, unholy vigor.

The following items, though not nearly as terrifying, are also pretty hideous in their own way:

These two stockings, one with a snowman, the other a reindeer, also feature items such as pink hearts and yellow stars. Frankly, I'm surprised there isn't a leprechaun on the back.

As awful as those stockings are, they are nothing compared to this Homemade Wicker Beast:

This hollow star-shaped horror is filled with Christmas balls, holly and, for some reason, acorns. Because nothing says Christmas like wicker-enclosed acorns. I've had nightmares where I'm stuck inside of contraptions just like this. Only instead of wicker, it's made of barbed wire. And instead of Christmas Balls, it's filled with demons. Weirdly, the holly and acorns are the same.

What on earth would possess someone to make such a thing? Were they looking for a holiday version of a Dream Catcher? Is this some sort of cursed object designed to prevent the Christmas Spirit from entering whoever dares hang this on their tree? Or does the maker simply love wicker and hate the holidays?

Whatever the reason, I believe their message was clear: "Bah, Humbug.... OR DIE!"

Sam Hell

Generally, it's rare for any of the objects on the NeighborGoodies Table to identify their former owner by name. Usually, the objects are donated anonymously and are pretty much untraceable, leaving us to wonder who the NeighborGooders were and why they left us such nonsense. In fact, I believe there were only two times I've been able to identify the NeighborGooders by name--once was child artist prodigy V Jaiem ♥, and the other was a girl named Samantha, who may actually be indirectly responsible for these items as well:

"Sam's Mix," featuring a guitar-playing Jesus rocking out on the cover, is a homemade CD filled with songs from the 80's and 90's which, if they were recorded today, would be classified as "emo." But, as they are from the Pre-emo (Premo?) Era, they fall under the Punk/Goth/Industrial/Alternative umbrella:

Bands like Bauhaus, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, Joy Division and The Jesus & Mary Chain make up the bulk of this compilation, which was lovingly crafted for Sam by Jo:

The whole scene screams of a lesbian love affair gone wrong. Were Sam & Jo once a couple? I imagine Samantha experimenting with Jo, perhaps even falling in love with her during her first year in Hollywood (Slogan: "It changes people, man!™") Soon after deciding she was a lesbian, Jo convinced Samantha to go by Sam, reasoning that "There's no room for a MAN in SaMANtha." Samantha agreed and dropped the "antha" from her name, placed her parking placard and girly mint-green skirt on the NeighborGoodies Table last April and began her lesbionic life with Jo in the luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Of course, first loves can't last forever. And with the passage of Prop 8 here in California last fall, gay love is particularly frowned upon (Thanks, Mormons!) With all the extra stress of being a blight on society, Sam began to grow apart from Jo.

Jo made this heartfelt mix on a blue CD to reflect her sadness and try to convince Sam to stay. With this selection of songs, Jo was telling Sam she wanted her lady back so they could once again have Sex On Wheels. But for Sam, the Novelty had worn off. The Christian Right had gotten to her, warning of the Burning Skies about to fall, and telling her to get rid of the Blood Evil (Mix) within her. Without listening, Sam returned the CD to Jo, telling her to Take It* back.

And thus ends the great love story of Sam & Jo. Jo stayed behind in the Luxurious Home they shared in the Hollywood Hills to try and pick up the pieces, convincing herself that Sam was Only Shallow. Luckily, Jo met a cute little waitress down the street over the weekend, and decided to drop off the CD that she's been holding on to--her last piece of Sam--officially having gotten over her once and for all.

Sam, for her part, is likely out coaching a softball team somewhere, still searching for a love that will match that of Jo's. But deep down, she knows no love will even Scratch the surface.

In order to prevent this story from happening to functioning homosexual couples throughout the land, I urge you to visit Equality California's website to find out what you can do to help! Save the Gays! Because if you don't, who else will dress you?


*FYI, There is no music video for "Take It" by the Jesus & Mary Chain.

Holy Wars

Apparently the Mormon DVDs from yesterday didn't sit too well with someone, as they were replaced with several homemade bible quotes:

But these aren't just any old Bible Quotes. We're not talking the hits here, like "An Eye for an Eye" or any sort of Christmas or Easter story. No, these are passages from the rarely-quoted books of the Philippians and Ephesians. I went to Catholic school for 12 years and I'm only dimly aware of their existence because even our priests didn't care about them.

This is exactly like when a radio station refuses to play your favorite songs, instead opting for 'deeper cuts' to try to be edgy. Guess what? No one cares. People don't want to hear anything by Bon Jovi except for "Living on a Prayer," and even that's pushing it. Likewise with these Bible Quotes: If you're not going to overtly threaten us with fire and brimstone--the good stuff--why bother printing these ridiculous passages (on pastel paper, no less)?

What kind of person would specifically print out bible quotes (suitable for framing!) to place on the NeighborGoodies table? I think it must be some former man or woman of the cloth, or perhaps the retired substitute teacher that is roaming the halls of this building. She may have decided that our depraved lives of luxury in the Hollywood Hills are leading us down a dangerous path, and that we need a big ole Cup of Jesus to help us through the day.

Or perhaps these are the first bold steps in a Hollywood Hills Holy War. First Mormon DVDs, then Bible Quotes. Soon there will be statues that cry blood, potato chips in the shape of Mary, and NeighborGoodies suicide bombers. It's really only a matter of time before someone winds up being crucified on the big, blue table. I just hope to God it isn't me, because I have stuff to do. Like take photos of said crucifixion and write about it.