Pink is the New NoOneCares

Judging by today's NeighborGoodies, I'm wondering if Hollywood is finally starting to banish one of its worst creations: The Celebutante. You know--the heiresses who are "famous for being famous." The ones who wear giant stupid sunglasses, drunk drive into things and then basically wander the streets in a drugged-out haze while carrying their tiny suicidal dogs until someone takes their photo so everyone can blog about it with "hilarious" captions.

Among the items you might see these hideous creatures carrying are this bright pink triangular purse...
...and its matching water bottle:
Trust me, ladies: We know where your mouths have been; we've seen the videotapes...

...although chances are the vodka you've filled this bottle with has probably killed 99% of the infections living on your diseased lips.

So perhaps the Celebutantes in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills are fading from favor at long last... or at least overcoming their obsession with Pepto Bismol colored accessories.

For the record, green also seems to be "out," judging by these mismatched shoes no one would be caught dead in:


Please take note, you real life "Mean Girls" (or "Heathers," if you're from the 80's): No one wants your used pink water bottle and no one wants your dirty used green shoes.

Especially since they're nowhere near as awesome as mine:


Fools.

And to those of you still reading celebrity gossip blogs: These horrible people won't go away if you keep giving them attention. Look away! Or I will kick your ass with my awesome shoes!

Planter's Feet

I had no idea how many horticulturists were also NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts! As many of you pointed out, the mystery item posted yesterday...


...is actually a pot used to plant herbs or strawberries:

Photo Courtesy of Lucia Pamela, via... the web or something.

You can add it to your little garden! Adorable.

But, as you know, I have a strict policy against taking anything remotely having to do with consumables from the NeighborGoodies table: No foodstuffs, no plates, no cups... basically, any Goodie that could end up in your kitchen or in your mouth should be regarded with nothing less than abject terror.

And here's why:
Today on the table, we've got some well-worn sandals....

...another pair of disgusting shoes, along with some exceptionally hideous socks...


...and these mystery podiatry items:


Now, I know we don't have to go into how unbelievably dirty and disgusting used shoes are, because you're a reasonable adult, and you know better than to take shoes from strangers--especially the ones in this building.

However, I want to discuss these rubbery blue... things.

They are slapped with the Ped Egg logo...

...but I can't for the life of me find anything about them on their web site.

I'll admit, I was only barely aware of the Ped Egg. For those of you who don't know, my friend Jon describes the Ped Egg as a "Cheese-grater for your feet." It's purpose is to remove dead skin as if you were having a pedicure! ("They make your feet bleed," he reports.) The Ped Egg-as seen on TV--looks like this:


But after hours of research (googled twice) I can't seem to find anything about the blue rubbery Ped Egg accessories. Are they part of the Ped Egg kit? Do they go inside your shoe? Probably not, since they are extremely thick, and would leave little room to wear your shoes comfortably. But they are unmistakeably shoe-shaped... So are you just supposed strap them to the bottom of your feet and walk around with them instead of shoes? That hardly seems safe... although you'd be less likely to slip on smooth surfaces.

And since you all were so smug and smart about the planter yesterday--maybe you can help solve this all-new NeighborGoodies mystery as well! So, anyone care to hazard a guess? What are those little blue rubbery things??

Phoney

Before we get to the new NeighborGoodies, I want to give an update on what was left behind the other day. On Friday, this bag of cassette tapes and office supplies was left on the Big Blue Table:

Over the weekend, I noticed that some obsessive-compulsive NeighborGooder arranged the contents of the brown bag in order, seemingly so that any would-be takers would be able to see the full collection of Poison, Warrant & Skid Row albums available in this dead format:

They also put the assorted office supplies off to the side within the sack which, I later discovered...
...were pretty much the only things that anyone had any interest in during its tenure on the NeighborGoodies Table.

At the other end of the table, another bag of crazy appeared:

I looked inside and found this phone...
...these shoes...


...and this Triple Tropical Fruit Smoothie Blistex.


I think it's appropriate that one pair of these shoes have little skulls & crossbones on them...

..because clearly whoever dares to use this Tropical Blistex will be poisoned.

I know the economy is in a terrible state right now, but I have to put my foot down...and not into these filthy shoes. I've said it before on this blog, but apparently I need to reiterate it: No One Wants Your Ratty Used Ass-Sneakers. They just don't. YOU don't want them; what makes you think anyone else wants them? And, for the record: THEY DON'T WANT YOUR HERP-INFESTED LIP BALM EITHER!

Unless someone came upon the NeighborGoodies table after wandering the desert for weeks on end... their shoes in tatters and their lips blistering, I am going to go ahead and say that these items can safely be placed in the dumpster without hauling them from your apartment down into the laundry room.

The only item even mildly interesting in this sack is the red phone, which looks like it might have belonged to Commissioner Gordon:

The phone is quite heavy, and its weight (made up almost entirely of dust) along with the instructions on it imploring the user to "Wait for Dial Tone" actually made me think that this was an original, classic rotary type phone. But, upon closer inspection, it turns out to be an impostor! According to the back...

...this phone was manufactured in June of 2006. That, coupled with the fact that it isn't a rotary phone at all...
...makes me doubt its authenticity.

But it's still better than used Lip Balm.

OMG! SHOES!

Say! Who wants some used flip flops!

These flip flops, proudly made in China, are same in color (and foot disease) only. The clip-art designs are diffferent on each pair--One boasting a floral theme, and the other some ducks in a pond as well as some other less-detailed flowers.

Somehow, no one in the building seems to realize that your neighbors don't want your mismatched pair of neon orange flip flops... nor do they want your other filthy shoes...

...which are among the dirtiest items I've seen on the NeighborGoodies table in quite some time.

These Pink Monstrosities, which look like they have been worn every day since 1987, are so dirty they almost seem as though they could hop down from the NeighborGoodies table and run off on their own volition.

Luckily, this next pair couldn't do that, because they are weighed down with 25 pounds of dust:

I'm not sure if you can see the amount of grime on the pair above, but rest assured, these fuzzy lifts are covered--and I do mean covered--with a layer of dust that indicates they were last used when someone died in them a dozen years ago...likely from falling off the shoe itself, as they place the wearer miles above the ground.

Clearly, the woman who owned these shoes was very short and needed the extra inches. How else was she going to reach the NeighborGoodies table and drop off this beaten pair of red leather shoes:

These are also designed to give the wearer several inches of height in order to function in normal day-to-day life. If they weren't girl-shoes, I'd think they belonged to the extremely short guy who lives in the building and drives a fucking Hummer.

I don't know why, but I hate that man and I hate that Hummer. It is so ridiculously big for any normal-sized human being to be driving around Los Angeles, let alone a munchkin. When I see this little teeny tiny guy climbing out of it, I kind of just want to pick him up and chuck him down the street.

The very presence of the Hummer has also infuriated neighbors and passersby alike, as evidenced by the massive amounts of keying that have been done to it. Tiny Tim constantly has to spraypaint the scratches off the Hummer, which often label him an A-hole.

Maybe it's the way the little guy just sits inside of the Hummer in front of the building, lurking... waiting for street parking to open up--because it's too big to fit into our garage. Or maybe it's because he takes up seventy-seven spaces on the street when he parks it, because it's too big to fit into just one. Or maybe it's because he is one foot tall and needs a stepladder to climb inside of his car.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because HE DRIVES A FUCKING HUMMER IN L.A.

Perhaps if he was wearing a pair of these lifts, he wouldn't feel so inadequate and wouldn't need to drive a fucking hummer.

....

uhh...what was I talking about?

Oh right. Shoes! Ummm.... there are also some socks available, should you decide you want your feet to instantly fall off from whatever foot disease this NeighborGooder might have had:

Of course they, like the flip flops, don't match.

But something tells me if you're taking the shoes.... matching socks don't matter to you.

All Washed Up! (Or: Beach Blanket Found-o!)

NeighborGoodies is proud to give you pretty much everything you'll need for a day of Summer Fun! First up is this portable Radio/CD Player--in a lovely shade of NeighborGoodies Table Blue!

It's perfect for the beach or any BBQ's you might be having this summer... except that the lid to the CD player doesn't actually close, so you are likely to get a laser in your eye if you try to operate it. On the bright side, you can use it to heat up your hamburger or hot dog buns, or even provide your guests with digital-quality LASIK surgery while they enjoy your homemade potato salad!

As you know, you'll need to wait a half hour after eating before you go in the water. After all, you don't want to get a cramp and drown! But what will you and your friends do until then?

Why not play a water-based game of cards, such as Go-Fish...
. . .using these playing cards that someone inexplicably spent over ten dollars on.

Of course, after a long day of burning meat and corneas, you might just want to curl up with a good book while your fellow beach-goers swim and/or recuperate from surgery. And who doesn't like to soak up the sun while reading a good, relaxing, light-hearted summer romp?

And finally, no trip to the beach can be complete without a pair of sand-filled sneakers. Luckily, these have been graciously pre-sanded and left on the NeighborGoodies table for all to use:

These size 9 Nikes, full of sand, pebbles and, most likely, fungus were enough to gross out even the Sassy Russian Maintenance Man who works in the apartment building to ensure that our Lives continue to be Luxurious here in the Hollywood Hills. Just after I snapped this photo, I heard him coming toward the laundry room, so I pretended to be looking for my keys. (After all, secrecy is of the utmost importance here at NeighborGoodies--we wouldn't want anyone in the building finding out about this little project, for fear that its integrity could be compromised!)

Anyway, when he saw the sneakers, the Sassy Russian Maintenance Man just groaned: "Used pair of shoes! Come ON! Why?!" I wanted to tell him my theories: That it could have been a neighbor whose day at the beach was mired in tragedy--perhaps by a shark attack or a jellyfish bite--so he purged everything about that day by from his life. Or the shoes could have been the spoils in a bitter and extremely sad game of strip poker. Or maybe--just maybe--someone's girlfriend decided to throw out the most disgusting pair of sneakers ever, and left them on the NeighborGoodies table so that the odor wouldn't eat through their trashcan. Either way, there's not enough Febreze or Gold Bond medicated foot powder to ever make these shoes wearable again, so the Russian Maintenance Man disposed of them properly. Then his hands fell off.

The Case of the Suitcase: A NeighborGoodies Mystery!

The NeighborGoodies table, while often used for good, can actually be used to get rid of evidence. Sinister evidence! For example, this suitcase:


It is well-worn--almost too well-worn, if you ask me. Why is this bag traveling so much? Clearly it's because there's some sort of International Espionage going on.

I like to think that this suitcase was accidentally picked up at the airport, in classic 80's Sitcom Suitcase Mix-Up fashion, and that the NeighborGooder was followed back to their Luxurious Home right here in the Hollywood Hills by its original owner: An International Soviet Sitcom Spy! This spy was then forced to secretly switch the bags back and retrieve the microfiche that she mysteriously put in with the checked baggage, even though it is a matter of International Importance!

The Sitcom Spy then had to throw out her identity completely and start anew. It sounds crazy, but the evidence of this wacky misunderstanding follows--but I must warn you: It's not pretty. Not pretty at all.

First up. . .

. . .there's this handsome Ann Taylor pinstriped power jacket, the perfect disguise for any Spy-on-the-go--especially when paired up with these shoes. . .

. . .which, conveniently enough, are next to another power-outfit. This blouse and skirt are perfect for any business meetings or assassinations you may have at home or abroad! There's also this pile of costumes designed to make you fit in to any crowd:


A Hawaiian Muu Muu, along with some corduroys and various woolen items mean our Gal Spy is ready for any climate that her missions may send her to.

I can hear what you're saying, dear NeighborGoodie Enthusiast: "Don't be retarded. These clothes are not from a spy, you incredibly creative and amazing writer! They are just from someone with a tragic sense of fashion!" Normally I'd agree with you, especially when this sea-foam green jacket is involved. . .


. . . however, the evidence of a Sitcom Spy Mission gone wrong is overwhelming!

Take this sheer black & white patterned scarf:

See? It's perfect for any disguise or spy-related strangulation! And these. . .uhh...fancy, filthy black shoes. . .

. . . still with the original owner's toe-prints still clearly visible! Likely, these belonged to the NeighborGooder who mistakenly took this suitcase in the first place. Obviously, she had to be destroyed by our Soviet Spy--if you look closely enough, you can even see signs of the struggle-- her toes curling as she was strangled by that black and white number up there.

Still don't believe me? Have a look at this pile of endless hideousness also inside the International Suitcase of Mystery:


Especially this pair of pants. . .


. . .which is Stained. That's right... STAINED! Stained with either lipstick, Kool-Aid, or. . . the evidence of a bloody, violent spy-related murder.

Outrageous? Maybe. But the likelihood of an actual non-spy human being owning all of these clothes seems very slim to me. Oh sure, these don't look like the glamorous spy costumes you'd see in the movies, but this is real life, not Hollywood! Well... I mean it's technically Hollywood... but, you know... real-life Hollywood, not . . . you know what I mean. shut up.