Here Come the NeighborGoodies... Again!

As California continues to keep the gays from getting married, I can't help but wonder if they're doing us a favor! After all, "Opposite Marriages" fall apart every day, as evidenced in today's pile of NeighborGoodies! So perhaps this slim majority isn't trying to take a stand against our civil rights--but instead are just trying to protect us from the horrors of wedlock!

Sure, marriages start off great--full of love and rings...
...but before long, groom after groom is disappointed when he learns all the secrets to his blushing bride's beauty, starting with the first time he wakes up and sees her wandering the house in these:

I didn't think it was possible, but this woman somehow has more hair clips than Bug's Bunny's nemesis, Witch Hazel:
Of course, the ladies aren't exactly winning any prizes either... especially on their first anniversary when their men come home with gifts like these...
...saying things like, "Well, you seem to like ironing so much, I just thought..." Of course, he never gets to finish his statement, as he's likely cut off by the sound of the slamming door.

Opposite marriage isn't all bad, though. After a big fight like that, couples will often have a romantic night together full of apologies, wine and chocolate and, of course, before long, they're starting a family:

And lord knows, the gays don't want a house full of children running around coloring their wedding presents with White-Out:

In fact, after reviewing the evidence, I move to invalidate all marriages, both opposite and same! Marriage just seems like a terrible idea!

Gee... if only there was some sort of television program that could make me believe in marriage again. Perhaps a cute, fun reality show--one that isn't full of backstabbery or grossness. One that won't make me feel dirty after I watch. One that shows the lighter side of love with insanely adorable challenges that test and celebrate the strength of a couple's marriage...

*Sigh* If only...

Oh wait! I forgot!!! There totally IS a show like that!!




Hooray! I believe in love again! And you will, too, after watching tonight's AMAZING Episode of Here Come the Newlyweds at 10/9 central on ABC!! It's the second episode of the season, but don't fret if you missed the first one, as there's a handy-dandy little recap for you at the start! Or, of course, you could watch the first hour free online!

Early buzz suggests that tonight's episode might actually change television in a profound and dramatic way... and I'm certainly not saying that because my editor and I worked tirelessly on it. Trust me: I'm saying it because you deserve to watch A Quality Television™ show that features Ass Grabbing, Dr. Ruth and people screaming at Comically Large Bugs:



Believe me when I tell you that ALL of your co-workers will be talking about how this show reinvigorated their marriages, changed their lives, and reminded them to call their exterminators. And you don't want to be the left-out jerk, do you?

Didn't think so. Happy viewing!

And don't forget: NeighborGoodies is on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace as well!

Here Come The NeighborGoodies

Hi! For those of you who are new, Welcome to NeighborGoodies!

To get you caught up, here are a few links to some of my favorite NeighborGoodies, that will help you get the feel for what this thing is:

1. The First One
2. Thyme's Square
3. Blue Monday
4. Rainbow Connection

Now, on to today's selection! I can only assume that these NeighborGoodies were pulled from the kitchen of a recently separated couple, who probably got most of these items on the happiest day of their life.


These stylish martini glasses with a hip 50’s style design are straight out of a gift registry.


There’s also this assortment of clutter. . .


. . .which seems as though it was simply dumped directly from the junk drawer in the kitchen that was, in all likelihood, a point of contention in the marriage. Included is a lovely set of knives that the couple probably took with them to LA after leaving the murder capital of the world, Detroit, as evidenced by this board game they also took with them:

Rather than determine who got what in the divorce settlement, they opted to just throw everything onto the NeighborGoodies table and let the buzzards of the Hollywood Hills have at them.

My favorite piece of NeighborGoodness today is this:

... a plastic fast-food spoon, still in its wrapper. I assume that once the wife started to hate her husband, she ceased cooking and he went on an all-Taco-Bell-and-Wendy’s-Diet, until she finally dumped him.

My guess is that this couple wasn’t ever nearly as happy as any of the ones featured in ABC’s awesome new series “Here Come The Newlyweds” which premieres this Sunday Evening at 10:02PM (9:02 Central)! This adorable piece of reality fare is, quite possibly, the best hour of television you will see throughout 2008, and I’m not just saying that. I’m actually looking out for your best interest. I mean, you don’t want to look like a jerk on Monday when the entire nation is talking about amazing this show is… Do you?