Cork-Bored

Just how much crap do you have to put on a cork-board before it collapses under its own weight?


Apparently, just one poster for the movie Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa...

...complete with its thrilling WordArt™ inspired logo.

Luckily, there's a brand-new (and much bigger) replacement cork-board on the other side of the Big Blue Table...

...which, judging by the obscene layer of dust on its shrinkwrapping, has been just laying around at least since Madagascar 1 was released in theaters three years ago, waiting for the all-important memo or Cathy comic that would initiate it.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that....

...a shoe print in the middle of this pile of dust masquerading as a cork-board? What's amazing is that the shoe print is also covered in a layer of dust, which means that after it was stepped on, it still did not move from its position on the ground, clearly in an area designated for walking, for quite some time.

MawMaw's Family

Over the weekend, a couple of "Feature Films for Families" appeared on the NeighborGoodies table. The Films are made in Murray, UT--home of Mormania™--so you know they are just dripping with moral fiber.
The first film, Same River Twice, is the gripping story of "Kramer and his old river-running buddies: Skinner, Mikey and Stan" as they revisit the "breathtaking and dangerous Salmon River." It's more than just a reunion, however! No... they were all brought together... for a reason!

Sounds riveting. A quick visit to the "Same River Twice" IMDB page reveals little more about the movie, aside from one fan's review where she explains what happened when she was watching it: "My 12 year old grandson walked by the t.v. on the way outside to play (on a lovely day I might add) when he stopped in his tracks, turned to me and said, 'MawMaw, I'm gonna watch this for a minute before I go out.' That 'minute' ended with the final credits."

Let me tell you something, MawMaw... I can almost guarantee that your grandson would rather be doing ANYTHING ELSE besides watching this Mormon-themed flick with you. I'm positive that he was on his way outside when he saw some bully that has been terrorizing him. Rather than getting his ass kicked, he stayed inside with your bony ass and watched these four middle-aged men preach heavy-handed values at him. He likely would have taken his chances with the fucker outside if he knew a Family Discussion was coming, using the questions featured on the back of the DVD case:

MawMaw also likely had Seasons of the Heart up her sleeve, in case young Wilbur Q. Nerdington's bully was still lurking outside:


As you can see, this movie is billed as "A story for anyone who has ever loved a child." On the back, we discover that this is the tale of Jed and Martha, who agree to raise Daniel the Orphan. Jed's psyched, but Martha's still cranky about her own two daughters who perished "on the trek across the American Plains." Martha is then "swept away each day in a thousand wistful memories" in which her "golden-haired daughters dance through her aching heart."

Right.

This one also has a Family Discussion guide:


#4 indicates that there is even a Manger Scene in this gem! I'm pretty sure that after this double feature, MawMaw's grandson immediately took these films to the NeighborGoodies table and submitted himself to a beating outside, praying for death... or at least severe memory loss to block these movies out.

Meanwhile, MawMaw, starved for attention from her grandson, has likely gone to the Family Films website, where she will buy dozens of these stunningly boring morality tales because she thinks young Wilbur loves them. While there, she can also pick up a DVD player that promises to somehow edit out Sex, Violence and Profanity from regular movies--which will likely also end up on the NeighborGoodies table in the coming weeks if MawMaw's precious little angel has anything to do with it.

Oscar Worthy

This was a big weekend in Hollywood. Not only were the Oscars last night, but so many NeighborGoodies showed up in the laundry room this weekend, that they actually spilled over to the underside of the table. Apparently, someone was moving out and ran out of room in the moving truck.

The Oscar goody bags make headlines every year, but few people know that just about every TV and movie production has some kind of swag--which unofficially stands for "Shit We All Get." This piece of swag is from the 2003 film "The Fighting Temptations"
Here's the plot, according to IMDB: A New York advertising executive travels to a small Southern town to collect an inheritance but finds he must create a gospel choir and lead it to success before he can collect.

Well, at least it's plausible. Kind of like Sister Act meets Easy Money. (Who wouldn't want a Rodney Dangerfield musical number?) Shockingly, this film was never nominated for any Oscars, but it did manage to score a Razzie nomination for star Cuba Gooding Jr. (who was also Razzed for his work in Boat Trip and Radio that year, but ultimately lost out to Ben Affleck on the strength of Daredevil, Paycheck and Gigli.) The Fighting Temptations did manage to win Film of the Year at the American Black Film Festival as well as a couple of Black Reel awards. Perhaps the winner used this swag bag to carry his awards to his luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment.

This same guy probably got this bag during his work on the set of a film that actually did win an Oscar: The Wonder Boys:

Nominated for three, and bringing home one (for Best Original Song), 2000's "Wonder Boys" was also up for 29 other prestigious awards that no one's heard of, bringing home 14 of the honors, including: the "USC Scripter Award" and a coveted SEFCA award! At least Hollywood doesn't over-congratulate itself ever.

Ahem.

Also downstairs this weekend is a mug (which has some sort of yellow liquid in it) from a production facility:

The Hollywood Production Center is located in lovely Hollywood Hills Adjacent, and is home to many TV and Film offices. In fact, I had the worst job interview of my life there. As a Big Shot Freelance TV Producer, I'm used to these meetings and they generally go pretty well for me. They look at my resume, see that I've worked on ten thousand tv shows that are exactly the same as what they're trying to do, even though theirs is somehow "different" and "special." Then we talk money and they hire me. I expected the same since two of my friends had recommended me to this toolbag.

But alas, he immediately hated me and we had a pretty bad rapport. At one point, he actually said to me: "What's the real you like? Tell me something that's not on your resume."

"Umm, I don't know. I kinda hate you," is what was going through my mind. I only shared the first half of that with him. I asked him what, specifically, he would like to know. He sort of shrugged and called in his boss to meet with me.

His boss was friendlier-ish, but when the first guy mentioned that the gig would last for eight months, the boss scoffed and said, "Well, we'd need to see if you are a fit before we commit to that kind of schedule. . ."

After it was clear that I would not be fitting in, I thanked them for their time and left. I got a call a few days later saying that I didn't get the job. Shocker. Later, I heard that they were afraid of me because I was "too polite" and the boss apparently said he "didn't want to get sued if I said the word pussy" in front of me... which is hilarious since I do have a show about the Playboy Mansion on my resume.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that they probably got all of their TV Production knowledge out of a textbook...like the one conveniently left at the NeighborGoodies:

If they handed out Razzies for TV, I'd nominate those guys in second. Of course, I'd probably have an armload of them myself...so maybe I should just shut it.