MawMaw's Family

Over the weekend, a couple of "Feature Films for Families" appeared on the NeighborGoodies table. The Films are made in Murray, UT--home of Mormania™--so you know they are just dripping with moral fiber.
The first film, Same River Twice, is the gripping story of "Kramer and his old river-running buddies: Skinner, Mikey and Stan" as they revisit the "breathtaking and dangerous Salmon River." It's more than just a reunion, however! No... they were all brought together... for a reason!

Sounds riveting. A quick visit to the "Same River Twice" IMDB page reveals little more about the movie, aside from one fan's review where she explains what happened when she was watching it: "My 12 year old grandson walked by the t.v. on the way outside to play (on a lovely day I might add) when he stopped in his tracks, turned to me and said, 'MawMaw, I'm gonna watch this for a minute before I go out.' That 'minute' ended with the final credits."

Let me tell you something, MawMaw... I can almost guarantee that your grandson would rather be doing ANYTHING ELSE besides watching this Mormon-themed flick with you. I'm positive that he was on his way outside when he saw some bully that has been terrorizing him. Rather than getting his ass kicked, he stayed inside with your bony ass and watched these four middle-aged men preach heavy-handed values at him. He likely would have taken his chances with the fucker outside if he knew a Family Discussion was coming, using the questions featured on the back of the DVD case:

MawMaw also likely had Seasons of the Heart up her sleeve, in case young Wilbur Q. Nerdington's bully was still lurking outside:


As you can see, this movie is billed as "A story for anyone who has ever loved a child." On the back, we discover that this is the tale of Jed and Martha, who agree to raise Daniel the Orphan. Jed's psyched, but Martha's still cranky about her own two daughters who perished "on the trek across the American Plains." Martha is then "swept away each day in a thousand wistful memories" in which her "golden-haired daughters dance through her aching heart."

Right.

This one also has a Family Discussion guide:


#4 indicates that there is even a Manger Scene in this gem! I'm pretty sure that after this double feature, MawMaw's grandson immediately took these films to the NeighborGoodies table and submitted himself to a beating outside, praying for death... or at least severe memory loss to block these movies out.

Meanwhile, MawMaw, starved for attention from her grandson, has likely gone to the Family Films website, where she will buy dozens of these stunningly boring morality tales because she thinks young Wilbur loves them. While there, she can also pick up a DVD player that promises to somehow edit out Sex, Violence and Profanity from regular movies--which will likely also end up on the NeighborGoodies table in the coming weeks if MawMaw's precious little angel has anything to do with it.