Keep It In Your Shoes

I worked with a guy a long time ago who was quite fond of the phrase "Keep it in your shoes." He was in a play that used that phrase to let other characters know when he was telling them things in confidence. In real life, he would pop his head into my office and just shout "Shoes!" before continuing down the hall.

I miss corporate America sometimes.

Anyway, today's post continues where Monday's left off--with more Oscar-related goodies.

First up is a book by former Academy Awards host Steve Martin:

Not many people know this, but Steve Martin was actually nominated for an Oscar. Ok, that's kind of a lie...but the first film he was in--a short entitled "The Absent-Minded Waiter" was up for the Best Short Film Oscar in 1978, but it still counts as far as I'm concerned.

Cruel Shoes is a collection of short stories by Steve Martin--the title of which comes from an anecdote of the same name, which you can listen to here.

Steve Martin is pretty much a genius as far as I'm concerned. Unlike Dane Cook, whose album surpassed Martin's Wild & Crazy Guy as the hottest selling Comedy Record ever, Steve's stand up was always solid and most of his movies are amazing, if you don't count things like The Pink Panther and Bilko.

I get that Dane Cook is fun to watch--and I do understand his appeal. He's up there like a comedian, but he has the energy of a rock star. Not a ton of comedians are working up a sweat on stage. Unfortunately, his energy seems to make everyone forget that he's not actually saying anything funny. He's just saying things in a fun way...which I suppose is enough for some people. I wonder what it's like to be dim?

Anyway, I love Steve Martin and highly recommend this book.

Speaking of Cruel Shoes, someone left a pair of barely-used Rollerblades under the NeighborGoodies table:


Rollerblades are especially cruel because they look fun, and then they make you die if you try using them. They entice you with their image of "Hey! Look at us! We're kinda like roller skates, but we're awesome and hip and we'll make you fit! You love roller skates! Put us on!" And then you buy them, use them once, break your ankle and put them in the laundry room of your building, hoping that one of your asshole neighbors will also break their ass.

The guy was kind enough to leave behind his elbow bads and knee pads as well:


I've only been Rollerblading once. I took a friend who was visiting over to Santa Monica and she insisted on making me try. I'm pretty clumsy so she was doing this strictly so she could mock me openly. I actually didn't do as horribly as we both had expected, only falling once when I first got them on and was getting used to them. Once I started moving, I was fine--although I did have to grab her a few times to steady myself so that I wouldn't fall and die. Afterwards, she bladed into the bathroom to take care of some business and I decided that it would be in my best interest to hold off, because I did not want to be covered in my own urine. While she was in there, I took a pretty nasty spill on the concrete.

Suddenly, a pack of kids aged 10 - 14 were swarming around me trying to help me up--clearly having been taught to protect their elders. They kept saying things like, "Are you all right, mister??" It was absolutely one of the more humiliating moments of my life. Especially since my friend saw the whole thing.

As sad as that was, nothing could compare to the horror of having to wear these. . .


These brown suede boots with yellowing fur inside might just be the cruelest shoes out there. I didn't want to get too close to them because they were just nasty. But I will say they were gone within a few hours of being placed up for grabs...so who am I to judge?