Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...


...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.

Hello Potty

Hello Kitty seems to rear her cute little head a lot here on the NeighborGoodies Table. There were the matching wallet & cap from October 2008...


...not to mention the Hello Kitty Notebook paper from July of this year...


...and who could forget Shamu's Hello Kitty pencil case, left just a few weeks ago:


All are adorable, but none can match the angelic sight of these Hello Kitty shower curtain holders:

I found these kitty-heads lined up in formation on the Big Blue Table, as if someone was trying to start a Cute Parade, or maybe an Adorable Army. This is interesting because up until now, no NeighborGooder has ever seemed to think that presentation was all that important when getting rid of their trash.

As you know, my policy on bathroom-related NeighborGoodies is pretty much set in stone: "If it was near the grout, throw it out." (As opposed to everyone else in this building, who thinks "If it was on the tile, add it to the pile..." or "If it's mired in poo, more for you!") Generally, I think my rule is a good one. However--and this will come as a shock to long-time NeighborGoodies readers:

I think these Hello Kitty shower curtain rings might actually be OK in my book.

I guess presentation really does matter: The line-up of kitty-heads with their pink little bows and big adorable eyes are awfully hard to resist. Just look at them, standing there at attention, waiting for their orders. Sure, they'll likely stab you with the giant hooks coming out of their charming little heads, but at least they'll be just darling when they do it.

The shower curtain itself, however...


...I could probably do without.

My theory was proven when, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer (yes, I was actually using the NeighborGoodies Room to do laundry...) a couple came by and scooped up these kitties. The woman was talking about a child of one of their friends who was "obsessed" with Hello Kitty. She described the girl's bedroom as being "pink and adorable." As they got on the elevator with their armloads of cat-heads, the man looked down at the faces staring up at him and muttered: "terrifying."

I'm sure they've been killed by the Kitty Death Army by now, but they did do one smart thing: They left the shower curtain.

Killer Art

As you know, most of the NeighborGoodies featured on this blog come directly from Hell. They are filthy, possibly cursed objects that nobody ever, ever wants.

Ever!

But then there are the rare Goodies that, in my opinion, should be displayed in museums--homemade items that are nothing short of works of art! Of course, that's not to say they aren't also from hell:

First up is this remarkably dark and twisted collage. With words like murder...
and phrases like "scream 'help' like a little girl" highlighted, it's clear this piece was inspired by the artist's life amongst the killers here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Flipping over this masterpiece, you'll find the artist's full name...
...along with the teacher's name from her Art III Honors class, who no doubt had Randi thrown into counseling the second she turned this project in.

(Note: All pertinent info has been blurred out to protect the gothy high school artist girl from future acts of violence against her. And, of course, to prevent said artist/murderer from Googling herself and finding out that we know she's a would-be killer.)

After being hauled off to counseling, Randi returned to honors art and revealed herself as no longer being afraid--but is a strong young woman, looking to keep her GPA up:

I seriously cannot believe how amazing this painting is. The montage of tiger and woman speaks volumes. Randi's inner beast is now unleashed in her art, as if to say "Raaaar! I'm a tiger! Do not attack me, for I will Raaar at you! Now I must get a scholarship to lesbian school! Because without college, I will have a dark future! And with my uncertain past...

...I have NO ONE LEFT TO TRUST! RAAAAR!!!!!"

Good luck in Lesbian School, Randi. We here at NeighborGoodies certainly hope to see more of your art here very soon!

Battle of the Exes

Oh, hello there! Welcome back to NeighborGoodies!

Obviously my intention to present some posts while in Japan never came to fruition, so please forgive my absence. You see, Japan is an incredibly distracting land. And there is a lot of sake there. Consequently, there was a lot of sake inside of me, which prevented me from presenting you with these items.

As you'll recall from last week, there was a big pile of craziness on the table just waiting to be mocked rationally discussed:


Since I've just gotten back from Tokyo, let's focus first on this Japanese bracelet...


....ok, so maybe it's Chinese. Whatever the case, this pink item with many fancy dragons looks like it was probably made at a Claire's in Chinatown, where a set of hooker earrings was also purchased:

Based on the items surrounding these jewels, I'm going to go ahead and say, for once, that they did not belong to a murderer. There's been a lot of talk about killers here on NeighborGoodies, and I don't want to be "that guy" who is always looking at everyone in the building as if they are about to murder everyone else in the building (we could only be so lucky, after all.)

I will say, however, that these items likely belonged to the killer's latest victim. The hooker earrings alone are enough evidence to put anyone behind bars--serial killers love themselves some ho's!

But there were likely other non-whorey victims, based on these board games:

These "Battle of the Sexes" Games market themselves as family fun, what with their Far Side-like cartoon drawings of man & woman in deep thought, as they try to answer the burning question: "Which is the Smarter Sex?" I'm not sure why we need two different versions of this board game (One regular, the other an IQ Test) but some lucky spouse got home one night to find his betrothed ready to prove herself as the smarter half in their relationship once and for all.

Being of a competitive nature, the mister likely got angry when the wife began beating him. She, as has happened a thousand times before, got pissed off, started yelling at him about things that happened fifteen years ago, went into their bedroom, slammed the door, opened it again, put this on the outside...

...and slammed it again.

The husband, tired of his wife always communicating via terribly non-hilarious drawings picked up at Spencer's, grabbed the nearest item--also picked up at Spencer's...

...his beloved Pet Rock, whom he often said was like a son to him, since the barren witch he married couldn't give him one, and smashed the door in... followed quickly by her skull.

Obviously the evidence was once again placed on NeighborGoodies Table in order for the world to see.

It's exhausting living in luxury.

Battle of the Axes

Konnichiwa NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts, and greetings from Tokyo, which is where I am, and will be for the next few days for work. If you want to read about my travel adventures, there’s a blog somewhere about them, although there's nothing there but an awesome graphic at the moment.

Clearly, you're here for some NeighboGoodies--and lucky for you, a vast array of craziness appeared on the NeighborGoodies Table last week:
I had no time to present them to you, as I was busy preparing for my sudden trip to Japan. And so, I will be happily reporting on those items while I’m here in the Land of the Rising Sun, getting blinded by all the bright colors and being crippled by the toilets.

First up, I want to start with the craziest of the crazy. I know we’ve been talking a lot about murderers here at NeighborGoodies in recent weeks, and some people seem to think that maybe I am paranoid and somewhat delusional when I say there are psycho killers roaming the halls of my apartment building . Well, to you I say "HA!" Now, I can PROVE once and for all that there is at least one murderer in the building.

"How," you ask?

Simple:




Someone left one on the NeighborGoodies Table.

Behold...








Yes, that’s right. It’s a fucking inflatable Charles Manson.

Seriously.

No sane person has this. None. So go ahead—you try to tell me that there aren’t murderers in my building! I dare you! Not only is Manson a murderer, but he killed a bunch of people right in Hollywood. Hooray.

In fact, that’s part of the reason I’m in Japan. I feel like this is a sign that some bad shit’s going down, and I want to be as far away as possible when it does

Also, who is making this? I mean, it says so clearly right here….

…but why? It also indicates that there are three other inflatable murderers out there, probably lurking in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills Halls. They're all part of the "Bizarre Icons" family...


...and the back of this monster has a suction cup, so that you might hang it from any of your windows for inspiration, or perhaps stick it to the tiled wall in your bathroom and use it as a flotation device, should some plumbing problems occur.

For those of you who are curious, the story of Charles Manson is printed on the back as well:
Feel free to click on the photos to read about this killer. But keep in mind that if you do, I will know not only who you are, but how crazy you are.

Not-So-Hot Pot

Someone left behind this Toastmaster "Hot Pot"...

...complete with this note:
It simply states: "I can't get this to work but maybe you can!" This item has only the most basic technology--a plug and an on/off switch... and that's about it. There isn't even a temperature control on this piece of cookery. This is the kind of item that makes me want to bang on everyone's doors until I find the owner so that I may shout at them: "HEY! If you plugged it in and switched it to 'on' and it didn't work for you, it will not be working for anyone else. Because it is broken. Idiot!"

But then common sense kicks in and I realize they probably broke the damned thing by boiling one too many human heads inside of it...
See?

Cool As Ice

Today we have one of those NeighborGoodies that just baffles me.

Ok, so maybe they all baffle me. I think we can all agree that most of the items we find on the Big, Blue Table are pretty useless. No one really wants these items, but they are deposited on the table in the hopes that maybe they'll make someone else's life a little better. They aren't thrown away because the NeighborGooders think, "Somebody could theoretically want this. I wanted it at some point, I guess. So maybe somebody else will enjoy it!" I can at least pretend to understand that thought process.

But then there are the items that never should have made it to the Laundry Room in the first place.

Items such as Van Gogh Calendars...

...from 2008. I can't fathom its appearance on the Table. Instead of putting this in the trash on January 1, 2009, this person opted to hang on to this for two solid months before deciding, "Hmm... somebody might want this. After all, it is art!"

To this person, I say: "F YOU."

What kind of person would put this down on the NeighborGoodies Table?

I'll tell you exactly what kind: A Murderer.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "Oh God... Here we go on Yet Another Murderer Rant." I know you all think I'm insane because I believe everyone in the building is a murderer. But I'd like to clarify that I really only think at most there are only two or three killers in the building. Four max.

I'm sure you're wondering what makes me think that someone who'd leave a useless calendar would be a killer. Well, actually, it's what's with the calendar that really freaks me out...


Styrofoam ice chests, clearly used for body disposal.

Point for me.

Now You See It...

Sometimes, when I see something on the NeighborGoodies Table that is especially dangerous, I can hear my mother (Screamin' Tina) yelling in the back of my mind: "WHAT THE CHRIST IS THAT! DON'T TOUCH IT!" If Tina taught my siblings and I one thing, it's to be suspicious and frightened of all things and people and places all the time forever and ever in perpetuity.

Despite all this, I'd like to think that I somehow managed to become a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, a lot of what I do on this blog might seem like unwarranted paranoia, but really it's just me trying to warn my beloved readers about the dangers of consuming things found on the Neighborgoodies Table, or of hanging out with the potential murderers that are the NeighborGooders themselves. These are merely reminders of the basic fundamentals all people should know: Don't take candy from strangers, and certainly don't go anywhere with them if you can help it.

I have one more thing to add to this list: Don't stick strange things in your eye--especially when it's been discarded in a Luxurious Hollywood Hills Laundry Room, such as this contact lens solution:

I agree with the Tina in my brain, who is currently shouting: "DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING THIS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO WAS USING THAT, OR WHAT THEY DID TO IT! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? MAKING FUN OF YOUR NEIGHBORS? YOU'RE GONNA GET KICKED OUT! JEEFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!"

SHUT UP, MOM! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!!!!

Oh... sorry. Where was I? Oh yes--I was complaining about the contact lens solution that has likely been replaced with acid by some ne'er-do-well in the building. Like Tina says: "DON'T EVEN TRY IT, OR YOU'LL GO BLIND!"

Then you'll be forced to use this item. And no one wants that.

Come Sail Away

It's been cold and rainy here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills for most of the past week. People in LA don't deal very well with any sort of non-sun weather. You can see it in their eyes--it's as if their minds shut down without the sun recharging them every morning. And it is during these times that predators try to take advantage, pouncing as soon as they get the chance.

For example, let's look at this pamphlet for what seems to be a fun, harmless activity that is clearly a front... for murder!

Kind readers, I present to you the appropriately titled Lure...
... Of The Sea. This professionally-printed-in-color-and-folded-in-half brochure, complete with Clipart™ brand sailboat on the cover, was compiled by the MSSC (The Marina Sunday Sailing Company) and contains all the information you'll need to convince you to go on sailing... on a Sunday.


The very first statement in this literature proclaims that the Marina Sunday Sailing Club is "the oldest sailing club in Marina Del Ray," which is interesting since nothing comes up when you Google it. And, as I've said before, anything that is UnGoogleable just has to be dangerous.

The rest of this flier reads as though it was crafted by a hypnotist:

"Imagine the wind against your cheek and the sound of waves slapping against the hull of your sturdy boat. You are at one with nature... The stresses of life are gone for now and you relax under the warm California sun for a tranquil day... "

The text is clearly designed to lull its reader into a state of calmness, tranquility... and mind control, allowing the captain of this boat to do with you as he pleases. Once your mind is at ease, the back of the brochure goes in for The Kill, in big giant red letters:

Ha! The "LURE" of the sea, indeed.

Luckily for you, my mind operates on a much higher plane, and I can see through such propaganda. Please, allow me to translate what this writer is really trying to say:

"Imagine getting into a boat with one of the nut-job NeighborGooders. Imagine a knife against your cheek and the sound of your skull slamming against the hull of the sturdy boat. You will be at one with nature when your carcass is dumped into the ocean and picked apart by passing seagulls... The stresses of your life--along with your actual life--are gone as you rot beneath the warm California sun on an otherwise tranquil day... JOIN US!"

As your travel agent, I'd advise against this trip.

Just another piece of Life-Saving advice from your friends here at NeighborGoodies!

No Thanks.

Hi! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving! I certainly had a blast, but I can't say the same for some NeighborGooders who seem to have spent the last few days trying to eliminate all memories of the weekend.

Holidays are always stressful no matter what--especially if you have guests in town--so it doesn't seem all that strange to me that immediately after a Big Holiday Meal, someone unceremoniously dumped their plates, their pots. . .

. . .and their silverware onto the NeighborGoodies Table...

...almost, it seems, in an effort to ensure that no one can ever come to their Luxurious Home in the Hollywood Hills for a holiday meal again. Based on the overwhelming circumstantial evidence, I believe I can piece together what occurred on this Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills--and it isn't pretty.

Along with your unwanted house guests, the presence of a scale is almost certainly unwelcome during the holiday season. Especially if, for example, said guest is your cranky mother-in-law who constantly needles you about your weight.

With the economic crisis, coupled with the stress of the holidays and a case or two of red wine; one little comment too many and suddenly BLAM! You've got a Thanksgiving Double Homicide on your hands.

One moment you're picking off the last of the turkey and the next, one of your house guests is being carved up with an ass full of stuffing while another is being pureed into a Hate Pie with this lovely blender:

If you look closely, I think you can see skin cells, hair follicles and signs of human struggle on the lid:


In an effort to sober the attacker and calm any survivors down, someone brews a pot of decaf...

...while trying to clear up any evidence of mashed-face potatoes, gran-berry sauce and screamed corn. And man-yams™. Because there are almost certainly some man-yams around when all is said and done.

Now calm, the chef-turned-Thanksgiving Killer insists on dumping the evidence--and any chance of another dinner party--onto the Big Blue NeighborGoodies table. Now, any would-be visitors would have no plates to eat from, no utensils to eat with, and no coffee to drink...


...and certainly no non-dairy creamer or coffee stirrers if they somehow sneak in with a cup of their own coffee. After all, our hosts certainly don't want a repeat of the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, which seems almost unavoidable with another set of holidays coming up.

On the other hand, I suppose all this stuff could be on the NeighborGoodies Table simply because someone moved out at the end of the month.

Either way, I wouldn't eat any leftovers from this building. Just in case.