Boo!

While I often use the words "Scary" and "Terrifying" to identify NeighborGoodies, few actually rattle me to my core like this one does:


I think I speak for everyone when I wet my pants with fright and shout, "GOOD FUCKING CHRIST GET IT AWAY!"

I'd like to say this item, made out of what seems to be a wedding veil, is some sort of Halloween decoration, but its appearance four months after the holiday (and, coincidentally, eight months before it...) makes me think that it's something far more sinister.

The presence of the stick indicates that perhaps this monster is meant to be some sort of puppet, although clearly not intended for children. I have to believe no kid's puppet is going to have menacing red hair coming up out of its neckline...

...or a fiery crotch down below:

So if it's not a puppet, and it's not a Halloween decoration... then there really is only one other possible use for this item: Voodoo Doll. Clearly, this is an item that someone, somewhere was using to get back at somebody for something.

I'm sorry I can't be more specific today, but I am simply too frightened to give it even another moment's thought.

Dirty Devils

Howdy! Hope your Halloween weekend was full of spooky, scary fun! The NeighborGoodies Table certainly saw its share of Halloween adventures over the weekend. On Saturday, this pre-packaged "Sinister Devil" costume showed up:

Despite one of Satan's sleeves hanging out of the bag, this costume appeared to be unused, the result of Halloween plans falling through, I assumed. But then a few hours later, this pitchfork appeared:
I realized that while Devil costume was, in fact, unused, the pitchfork wasn't there when I first took the photo of the costume-in-a-bag. What sort of Halloween Chicanery is this!? Why would someone remove the pitchfork from the costume? Clearly, there's something unholy happening in the halls here in the Hollywood Hills.

Here are the facts:

1. "Sinister Devil" costume is left, pitchfork having been removed.
2. "Sinister Devil" pitchfork shows up hours later, after someone had already taken the costume off the table, presumably to use it for a party on Saturday evening.
3. Someone clearly removed the pitchfork from the costume in order to use it in some sort of Halloween Massacre™.
4. In addition to the Pitchfork, two other possible murder weapons were found on the Big Blue Table! This pair of expensive, deadly scissors:

...which was clearly used to stab someone after the pitchfork had already been inserted into an oraface. Then there's this extremely dangerous...

...ice cream scooper... which was likely used to carve out eyes and brains of the Sinister Devil's victim!

A body has not yet been recovered in the neighborhood, but these pieces of terrifying evidence continue to pile up. Including the most frightening item of all:

...the young co-ed victim's pink thong! Because unless you were dead, there is NO OTHER REASON to leave your dirty effing underwear on my NeighborGoodies Table.

Clearly, not enough people were killed in my building over Halloween.

Umm...I mean "Have a great week!"

Trick or Treat!

As I arrived home last night, I found this Box of Boo-filled books on the Big Blue Table, just in time for Halloween!

This stash includes a novel by best selling "suspense thriller" author Dean Koontz, and some other books with generically frightening titles...

... like “The Specter” and “The House” and “The House that Jack Built," which, I can only assume, is the terrifying tale of poor craftsmanship, rodents and malt. There's also these fantastic items, like...

...Prom Nights from Hell, which I think is nothing more than a collection of completely accurate reports on real-life school dances. And what Halloween would be complete without horror staple Dial-A-Ghost?

According to one review, this book is "as if one's favorite crazy aunt has dropped by to tell the kind of convoluted and magical story children really want to hear." My aunt once sliced a dude's face open with a razor blade for swearing at her, so as far as I'm concerned, Dial-A-Ghost has a lot to live up to.

It's the story of a boy in an orphanage who suddenly inherits a giant mansion from family that apparently didn't give a damn about him when they were alive. Enter the evil cousins who will own the place should something happen to our hero. The cousins enlist the help of the Dial-A-Ghost service, where you can somehow order designer hauntings. Of course, there's a mix-up at Dial-A-Ghost and they accidentally send a lovely family of gentle spirits to live in the mansion with the boy instead of the evil specters that the cousins ordered--those wound up at a convent. Madcappery ensues and the reader is rewarded with a few scares, some smiles and their Halloween appetite filled for the year!

Personally, I would rather have some peanut-butter cups. But that's just me.

Happy Halloween, everyone!