Cool As Ice

Today we have one of those NeighborGoodies that just baffles me.

Ok, so maybe they all baffle me. I think we can all agree that most of the items we find on the Big, Blue Table are pretty useless. No one really wants these items, but they are deposited on the table in the hopes that maybe they'll make someone else's life a little better. They aren't thrown away because the NeighborGooders think, "Somebody could theoretically want this. I wanted it at some point, I guess. So maybe somebody else will enjoy it!" I can at least pretend to understand that thought process.

But then there are the items that never should have made it to the Laundry Room in the first place.

Items such as Van Gogh Calendars...

...from 2008. I can't fathom its appearance on the Table. Instead of putting this in the trash on January 1, 2009, this person opted to hang on to this for two solid months before deciding, "Hmm... somebody might want this. After all, it is art!"

To this person, I say: "F YOU."

What kind of person would put this down on the NeighborGoodies Table?

I'll tell you exactly what kind: A Murderer.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "Oh God... Here we go on Yet Another Murderer Rant." I know you all think I'm insane because I believe everyone in the building is a murderer. But I'd like to clarify that I really only think at most there are only two or three killers in the building. Four max.

I'm sure you're wondering what makes me think that someone who'd leave a useless calendar would be a killer. Well, actually, it's what's with the calendar that really freaks me out...


Styrofoam ice chests, clearly used for body disposal.

Point for me.

Happy Peru Year!

With 2009 commencing in mere hours, some polite NeighborGooder left this calendar on the Big Blue Table:
It was printed to serve as a year-long advertisement for the Natalie Peruvian Seafood Restaurant, conveniently located near the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Beneath the lush view of Peru that adorns the top of this calendar is this woman:

Judging by the giant orange & yellow lettering, I can only assume that the woman in the fancy dress standing by the Ricola Mountain is the Natalie in question.

I can understand why Natalie would want her smiling face on this calendar; it gives the restaurant more of a neighbory feel. What does confuse me, however, is the series of photographs lining the bottom of this calendar:

I can certainly understand wanting to highlight some of the finer dishes served at Natalie's Peruvian Seafood Restaurant...

...however, this seems to be showcasing some sort of chicken item, along with French fries, slices of avocado, and a urine-colored beverage. Not exactly seafood, but at least its presence makes a little sense, which is more than I can say for the rest of these featured images:


Unless they are a Peruvian delicacy, I fail to see what these puppies have to do with anything. And even if they are a popular Peruvian dish, once again, these animals are not seafood no matter how you prepare them, Natalie. Please take note.

Here, we’ve got another photo of, I guess, Peruvia...
...followed by this weird looking golden car with three headlights...
...which, of course, is parked on the beach.

Am I supposed to assume that this how their seafood is delivered fresh every day? They just drive this car right into the Peruvian Ocean and serve up whatever swims into the trunk?

Then there’s this image….
My geography sucks, but I know for a fact that this is a view from England's River Thames. I may only know this because I watched a lot of Benny Hill growing up, which featured this logo at the end of each episode...

...but I know it nonetheless. And although I'm no world-class traveler, I'm pretty sure that Peru ins’t in England. I’m also pretty sure I don't want to eat whatever the Golden Fishing Car caught in the River Thames.

Then there’s this holy item:
I believe this is a rarely-depicted Toddler Jesus and a Mary holding ceramic tiled images of the crucifixion, which indicates not only some sort of time-travel capabilities you never hear about in the Bible, but also the rarely discussed gift shop that opened up after the death of Jesus, may he rest in peace. These are all features, of course, in the oft-ignored Book of Natalie somewhere deep in the New Testament.

Finally, next to all of these little boxes of insanity is this crazy thing:


What the hell am I supposed to do with this child? Is it Baby New Year 2009? Did it fall out of a Busby Berkeley dance number? Initially, I thought it was dressed as a caterpillar, but it has wings. It could also be a ladybug, but I’ve never seen a blue one—unless those are indigenous to Peru. In any case, they also should not be featured on the menu, because they Are Not Seafood.

The calendar closes with the phrase "Feliz Anu Nuevo" which, loosely translated, means "Peruvian Year of the Crazy."

Happy 2009 Everyone! And remember, if it sucks, you can always pray to Time-Travel Jesus to bring you to some other time!