Thou Shalt Not Steal

People steal things from hotels all the time. In fact, they want you to take many of these items: The shampoos, the pads of paper, the pens all bearing the hotel's logo... It makes sense to take some of these items. After all, who couldn't use an extra pen while traveling? Of course, I would never take any of these things for the same reason I don't want anything off the NeighborGoodies table: Who knows what sort of filthy animal was handling it before you? It's bad enough I have to see the crazies who leave things on the Big Blue Table. I can't help but believe that the the unseen, unwashed masses who were in my hotel room before me are even worse.

Which is why I'm disturbed that someone, somewhere--especially in a place as luxurious as the Hollywood Hills--would ever think it's a good idea to take one of these from a hotel:

This rubber no-slip mat that magically prevents you from killing yourself by slipping in the shower is one of the filthiest things (but not THE filthiest) that has ever found its way down to the NeighborGoodies Table. For the love of God, all the dirt, grime and disease that was on anyone before they jumped in the shower passes over this item on its way to the drain. People, please be aware, these things are not brand new when you step on them, and there's no way to tell how many people were on this thing before you, or what was oozing out of them at the time.

Now to the case at hand: Not only was someone disgusting enough to take this thing out of their hotel, pack in their suitcase next to their clothes and bring it home... This person then used it, realized that it was annoying and possibly a biological threat, then discarded it not into the fiery inferno that would destroy its germs, but into our laundry room where just anyone could take it.


This is likely the same type of person who takes the dirty-ass towels from hotels as well, despite the fact they feel like sandpaper and they often make you bleed when you use them. To hell with those towels, and to the hotels who think they are fooling us into believing that those filthy items are anything more than rusty razor blades sewn together.

And, most importantly, to hell with the NeighborGooder who thinks any of us want this rubber piece of Athlete's Foot.

OMG! SHOES!

Say! Who wants some used flip flops!

These flip flops, proudly made in China, are same in color (and foot disease) only. The clip-art designs are diffferent on each pair--One boasting a floral theme, and the other some ducks in a pond as well as some other less-detailed flowers.

Somehow, no one in the building seems to realize that your neighbors don't want your mismatched pair of neon orange flip flops... nor do they want your other filthy shoes...

...which are among the dirtiest items I've seen on the NeighborGoodies table in quite some time.

These Pink Monstrosities, which look like they have been worn every day since 1987, are so dirty they almost seem as though they could hop down from the NeighborGoodies table and run off on their own volition.

Luckily, this next pair couldn't do that, because they are weighed down with 25 pounds of dust:

I'm not sure if you can see the amount of grime on the pair above, but rest assured, these fuzzy lifts are covered--and I do mean covered--with a layer of dust that indicates they were last used when someone died in them a dozen years ago...likely from falling off the shoe itself, as they place the wearer miles above the ground.

Clearly, the woman who owned these shoes was very short and needed the extra inches. How else was she going to reach the NeighborGoodies table and drop off this beaten pair of red leather shoes:

These are also designed to give the wearer several inches of height in order to function in normal day-to-day life. If they weren't girl-shoes, I'd think they belonged to the extremely short guy who lives in the building and drives a fucking Hummer.

I don't know why, but I hate that man and I hate that Hummer. It is so ridiculously big for any normal-sized human being to be driving around Los Angeles, let alone a munchkin. When I see this little teeny tiny guy climbing out of it, I kind of just want to pick him up and chuck him down the street.

The very presence of the Hummer has also infuriated neighbors and passersby alike, as evidenced by the massive amounts of keying that have been done to it. Tiny Tim constantly has to spraypaint the scratches off the Hummer, which often label him an A-hole.

Maybe it's the way the little guy just sits inside of the Hummer in front of the building, lurking... waiting for street parking to open up--because it's too big to fit into our garage. Or maybe it's because he takes up seventy-seven spaces on the street when he parks it, because it's too big to fit into just one. Or maybe it's because he is one foot tall and needs a stepladder to climb inside of his car.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because HE DRIVES A FUCKING HUMMER IN L.A.

Perhaps if he was wearing a pair of these lifts, he wouldn't feel so inadequate and wouldn't need to drive a fucking hummer.

....

uhh...what was I talking about?

Oh right. Shoes! Ummm.... there are also some socks available, should you decide you want your feet to instantly fall off from whatever foot disease this NeighborGooder might have had:

Of course they, like the flip flops, don't match.

But something tells me if you're taking the shoes.... matching socks don't matter to you.