The Nightmare After Christmas

It's shocking to me that a full month after the holiday, people in my building are still getting rid of their dead Christmas trees. Every few days since the beginning of the year, the elevators and halls get littered with the brownish/green remains of these ghosts of Christmas past, as they are dragged through the building and left on the curb outside.

Likewise, there's been lots of Holiday-Themed NeighborGoodies dragged onto the Big Blue Table since the Holidays have ended. Decorations so hideous, they are sure to ruin anyone's good cheer with swift, unholy vigor.

The following items, though not nearly as terrifying, are also pretty hideous in their own way:

These two stockings, one with a snowman, the other a reindeer, also feature items such as pink hearts and yellow stars. Frankly, I'm surprised there isn't a leprechaun on the back.

As awful as those stockings are, they are nothing compared to this Homemade Wicker Beast:

This hollow star-shaped horror is filled with Christmas balls, holly and, for some reason, acorns. Because nothing says Christmas like wicker-enclosed acorns. I've had nightmares where I'm stuck inside of contraptions just like this. Only instead of wicker, it's made of barbed wire. And instead of Christmas Balls, it's filled with demons. Weirdly, the holly and acorns are the same.

What on earth would possess someone to make such a thing? Were they looking for a holiday version of a Dream Catcher? Is this some sort of cursed object designed to prevent the Christmas Spirit from entering whoever dares hang this on their tree? Or does the maker simply love wicker and hate the holidays?

Whatever the reason, I believe their message was clear: "Bah, Humbug.... OR DIE!"

Not the Brightest Bulb. . .

I found this lovely ceramic girl on the NeighborGoodies Table:


This graduation gift was likely meant for some daughter or granddaughter as she graduated from college--a token from a proud family for a job well done. After graduation, our hero--just as wide-eyed as her Hallmark purchased counterpart--packed up her worldly belongings and drove cross country to the Hollywood Hills to start Living the Dream!

As she unpacked, she immediately purged this useless item, which she clearly brought along only to avoid offending anyone by throwing it out locally. To her defense, what else are you supposed to do with an object like this once it is given? Display it with pride? Maybe... but for how long? How many people in their 30's or 40's still have a graduation reminders hanging around? Unless you're a doctor and your diploma is displayed in your office, the number is staggeringly low.

It seems like there's an entire industry out there which specializes in manufacturing things that no one anywhere could ever really need under any circumstances. Items such as ceramic graduates, things that say "Over The Hill," and, of course, anything made of wicker... like this bulbless lamp:

Nothing drives me quite as crazy as wicker. I never understood the appeal of it, but apparently someone, somewhere likes it, since it's been around since ancient Egypt. Maybe my intense dislike of it stems from when I was a child and my parents would make me go with them to "The Wicker Store." That's not its official name, but all they sold was wicker, and that's how my parents referred to it... And still do to this day. Apparently, their love affair with light-weight, uncomfortable furniture still hasn't waned 20 years later.

I remember being a little kid, sitting on the rough, woven furniture while my parents strolled the aisles of The Wicker Store Not only was I insanely bored, but I was also in severe pain as my 10 year old bony ass fell asleep while I whined, begged and pleaded for my parents to come to their senses and buy me some goddamned ice cream from the store across the street. By the time they were done, I could not feel lower body due to the Wicker Effect™, and I feared I would be crippled for life.

But people do love their wicker, as evidenced by the Wickerpedia: The Wicker Encyclopedia--a whole website dedicated to wicker and wicker culture. But apparently, college graduates are too smart for that. Or maybe her lamp was just broken. Lord knows they don't make wicker like they used to.

Oh wait. Yes they do.