Planter's Feet

I had no idea how many horticulturists were also NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts! As many of you pointed out, the mystery item posted yesterday...


...is actually a pot used to plant herbs or strawberries:

Photo Courtesy of Lucia Pamela, via... the web or something.

You can add it to your little garden! Adorable.

But, as you know, I have a strict policy against taking anything remotely having to do with consumables from the NeighborGoodies table: No foodstuffs, no plates, no cups... basically, any Goodie that could end up in your kitchen or in your mouth should be regarded with nothing less than abject terror.

And here's why:
Today on the table, we've got some well-worn sandals....

...another pair of disgusting shoes, along with some exceptionally hideous socks...


...and these mystery podiatry items:


Now, I know we don't have to go into how unbelievably dirty and disgusting used shoes are, because you're a reasonable adult, and you know better than to take shoes from strangers--especially the ones in this building.

However, I want to discuss these rubbery blue... things.

They are slapped with the Ped Egg logo...

...but I can't for the life of me find anything about them on their web site.

I'll admit, I was only barely aware of the Ped Egg. For those of you who don't know, my friend Jon describes the Ped Egg as a "Cheese-grater for your feet." It's purpose is to remove dead skin as if you were having a pedicure! ("They make your feet bleed," he reports.) The Ped Egg-as seen on TV--looks like this:


But after hours of research (googled twice) I can't seem to find anything about the blue rubbery Ped Egg accessories. Are they part of the Ped Egg kit? Do they go inside your shoe? Probably not, since they are extremely thick, and would leave little room to wear your shoes comfortably. But they are unmistakeably shoe-shaped... So are you just supposed strap them to the bottom of your feet and walk around with them instead of shoes? That hardly seems safe... although you'd be less likely to slip on smooth surfaces.

And since you all were so smug and smart about the planter yesterday--maybe you can help solve this all-new NeighborGoodies mystery as well! So, anyone care to hazard a guess? What are those little blue rubbery things??

Worn Out

This shirt...

...has been on the NeighborGoodies Table for a couple of days now and I haven't been able to write about it, mainly because it sort of shuts my brain down when I look at it.

The gun, the strange letters (The "И" is a major problem for me) and the phrase "Boom Goes The Dynamite" (which, by the way, you can read about here) are combined here in such a way, that my brain can't comprehend it. It's as if I'm being Tazed... My mind is just shutting down, and I don't know why.

It's all so confusing... what are those round things supposed to be? Are they Coins? Buttons? Targets? And whose autograph is that reprinted in yellow towards the bottom? Why would anyone sign this? WHAT IS THIS THING? What's it for?????

Fuck this shirt, and fuck whoever left it.

I need a nap.

Come Sail Away

It's been cold and rainy here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills for most of the past week. People in LA don't deal very well with any sort of non-sun weather. You can see it in their eyes--it's as if their minds shut down without the sun recharging them every morning. And it is during these times that predators try to take advantage, pouncing as soon as they get the chance.

For example, let's look at this pamphlet for what seems to be a fun, harmless activity that is clearly a front... for murder!

Kind readers, I present to you the appropriately titled Lure...
... Of The Sea. This professionally-printed-in-color-and-folded-in-half brochure, complete with Clipart™ brand sailboat on the cover, was compiled by the MSSC (The Marina Sunday Sailing Company) and contains all the information you'll need to convince you to go on sailing... on a Sunday.


The very first statement in this literature proclaims that the Marina Sunday Sailing Club is "the oldest sailing club in Marina Del Ray," which is interesting since nothing comes up when you Google it. And, as I've said before, anything that is UnGoogleable just has to be dangerous.

The rest of this flier reads as though it was crafted by a hypnotist:

"Imagine the wind against your cheek and the sound of waves slapping against the hull of your sturdy boat. You are at one with nature... The stresses of life are gone for now and you relax under the warm California sun for a tranquil day... "

The text is clearly designed to lull its reader into a state of calmness, tranquility... and mind control, allowing the captain of this boat to do with you as he pleases. Once your mind is at ease, the back of the brochure goes in for The Kill, in big giant red letters:

Ha! The "LURE" of the sea, indeed.

Luckily for you, my mind operates on a much higher plane, and I can see through such propaganda. Please, allow me to translate what this writer is really trying to say:

"Imagine getting into a boat with one of the nut-job NeighborGooders. Imagine a knife against your cheek and the sound of your skull slamming against the hull of the sturdy boat. You will be at one with nature when your carcass is dumped into the ocean and picked apart by passing seagulls... The stresses of your life--along with your actual life--are gone as you rot beneath the warm California sun on an otherwise tranquil day... JOIN US!"

As your travel agent, I'd advise against this trip.

Just another piece of Life-Saving advice from your friends here at NeighborGoodies!

The All Star Show

At first, I thought this shirt was just another concert tee from a shitty Woodstock-esque type of festival concert headlined by Jefferson Airplane. . .


. . .But then as I sat down to write this post, I realized that all the band names on this are . . .fake?

"The All Star Show" with its message of "Peace" features acts such as Johnson Airplane, Billy Hendrix, Buffalo Springsteen and Joe Crocker along with stalwarts such as Moody Blue Waters Band, Bruce Butterfield, and the Wonderland Blues Band.

I thought perhaps this shirt was from the world's greatest cover-band concert...but when I Google "The All Star Show" and add any of the acts listed on the shirt, nothing comes up. And as we've learned before...if it's not on Google, it's not real.

A few of the individual names on this shirt do have Google Listings, however:

Headliner Johnson Airplane seems to be an early Airplane Supply company:

Johnson Airplanes boasts a record of flying--having flown 376,821 miles between November 1920 and May 1924 "Without Accident or Injury to Anyone!" Just ask Johnson himself!


So Johnson Airplane isn't a seminal rock band and won't be headlining any sort of show, all-star or otherwise. But I did discover that Billy Hendrix is at least a musician. . .


. . .but i somehow doubt he's sharing the stage with the likes of, say, Bruce Butterfield, Flower Expert:


So what do these people have in common, other than being on this shirt? I have no idea. I can't figure out what this shirt is all about. Can any of you NeighborGoodie Enthusiasts shed any light on this thing? Is it perhaps the work of a lazy (or creative) bootleg t-shirt maker? Or is it something even more sinister? Whatever the answer, I'm definitely more than a little scared of it....but not as terrified as I am of Bruce Butterfield.

Also on the NeighborGoodies table is this pleasant new logo:

Special thanks to Sean at ItsNotArt.com for leaving this on the NeighborGoodies table for all of us to enjoy!

Now run to the hills and tell all your little friends about this site using our snazzy new logo! Go on! Git!

New Beginnings

It is, of course, pretty much impossible to tell who left these various items behind, but sometimes it's easy to see why these things have been abandoned.

I get the feeling that the guy who left the following collection of t-shirts maybe thinks it's time to start his life over...to grow up and abandon his Frat party days:


This shirt probably fit him so that the barbed wire armband tattoo that is emblazoned across his bicep sticks out. Poor fucker. During his partying days, he likely shouted out things like "KEGGER!" and "Bro-ham" regularly while wearing this shirt.

Come to think of it, it's probably the douche bag who lives directly above me. He thinks it's cool to blast the Counting Crows at 3 in the morning, making my entire apartment shake. If an earthquake ever hits in the middle of the night, I'll probably just bang on the ceiling without waking up like I do three times a week anyway.

While throwing out these shirts is a good first step to reintegrating himself into society, nothing can take away the fact that he owned and wore these things, probably to the raucous cheers of his friends. Exhibit B:

Beer Pong Thursdays, where the prize is a $500 bar tab. Considering you can drink all night there for ten bucks, I'm guessing this dude had to be a serious alcoholic tool.

And, let's face it, probably still is.

Can you imagine a life where Beer Pong Thursdays is what you do? A few months ago, I went to see an awesome band from Ireland called Mike Got Spiked and when we got to the venue, we discovered, to our horror, that a Beer Pong Tournament happening. A thousand awful frat guys in backwards caps and t-shirts like the ones above were there, drunkenly tossing their balls into cups of water. Apparently, real Beer Pong proved too much for these folks to handle.

Anyway, the band was forced to play during the final rounds of this Beer Pong fiasco--with the tables of the final two teams set up right in front of the stage. As we tried to watch the band perform, my friends and I were constantly bombarded with wet balls. And no, it wasn't fun, thankyouverymuch.

Oh...apparently I've lost track of the point. Anyway, also on the laundry table today is this little slice of Oprah-inspired heaven:


From what I can tell, this shirt was homemade, the self portrait drawn by a woman with her silver sharpie after she used glue to spell out the word "DIVA" and sprinkle it with gold sparkles. The words "MY REBIRTH" appear at the top along with the following quote:

"Honey," she says, "Think of the buildings as mountains. Those peaks! Those vistas."


A quick search for this quote on Google shows no results. And, as we know, if it doesn't exist on Google, it doesn't exist period, so I'm dying to know what this phrase means. Unfortunately, I don't recognize the woman in the picture, so I'm afraid the mystery may never be solved.

The text may talk about mountains, vistas and divas, but the whole idea of this shirt screams "CULT" to me. It could also be the result of a Group Therapy exercise.. . .One in which the woman spent thousands of dollars over the course of many years and trying to have a fresh start as a whole new person. . .only to find she actually maybe liked her old self more.

Next to it was this framed postcard of "Women Combing Their Hair"

I took it out of the frame and found all of the pertinent info on the back:

The fact that these two groups of items were abandoned together makes me wonder if Frat Beer Pong Guy and Oprah Therapy Chick found each other and are currently living happily ever after.

Or maybe Frat Guy just kept a piece of every woman he ever slept with and finally decided to clean house.

God I hate that guy.