Cool As Ice

Today we have one of those NeighborGoodies that just baffles me.

Ok, so maybe they all baffle me. I think we can all agree that most of the items we find on the Big, Blue Table are pretty useless. No one really wants these items, but they are deposited on the table in the hopes that maybe they'll make someone else's life a little better. They aren't thrown away because the NeighborGooders think, "Somebody could theoretically want this. I wanted it at some point, I guess. So maybe somebody else will enjoy it!" I can at least pretend to understand that thought process.

But then there are the items that never should have made it to the Laundry Room in the first place.

Items such as Van Gogh Calendars...

...from 2008. I can't fathom its appearance on the Table. Instead of putting this in the trash on January 1, 2009, this person opted to hang on to this for two solid months before deciding, "Hmm... somebody might want this. After all, it is art!"

To this person, I say: "F YOU."

What kind of person would put this down on the NeighborGoodies Table?

I'll tell you exactly what kind: A Murderer.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "Oh God... Here we go on Yet Another Murderer Rant." I know you all think I'm insane because I believe everyone in the building is a murderer. But I'd like to clarify that I really only think at most there are only two or three killers in the building. Four max.

I'm sure you're wondering what makes me think that someone who'd leave a useless calendar would be a killer. Well, actually, it's what's with the calendar that really freaks me out...


Styrofoam ice chests, clearly used for body disposal.

Point for me.

Artistic Integrity

To the untrained eye, this might seem like just a normal piece of trash:

But as I stared at this seemingly useless and busted-ass paper towel holder, I began to wonder, as I often do, why anyone wouldn't just throw this thing away. It takes a lot more effort to drag this thing out of your Luxurious Apartment and bring it downstairs into the Laundry Room than simply tossing it into your trash can.

When I looked slightly to the right, however, I had my answer. It's not trash: It's art!

Specifically, it's an artistic project from a graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design. Using a series of sophisticated machinery...

...and art supplies...
...some NeighborGooder created a masterpiece!


I certainly hope this teaches you rubes a lesson in art.

The Light of Your Life

When I walked into the laundry room and saw this lampshade on the NeighborGoodies Table...

. . .I was kind of surprised. It seems to be a decent, semi-sturdy lampshade in relatively good shape. Might this be something that is actually of use to someone in the building for once?

Then I moved it, and discovered the rest of what was left behind:

Yes...this is an entire lamp, sans bulb. And when I say "entire lamp" I mean "busted ass former lamp-like set-up that has ceased all functionality." It comes complete with stripped pole connectors (hot!) , so you can't actually put it together & have it stand up on the floor in order to properly illuminate a room. You'd have to lay the randomly shaped metal items side-by-side on your floor, allowing the electricity to flow to a bulb that, if included, would rest dangerously on your carpet beneath the sturdy lampshade.

The whole thing reminds me of this weird plastic animal toy I had as a kid: You'd press the bottom of a little stand that a lion was perched upon, and the lion would collapse into a pile of plastic lion-limbs. When you released the button, he'd stand up again, totally fine. I used to pretend he was a drunk hobo lion who ran away from the circus. Because that's what kids do.

Much like my lion, this lamp's sturdiness wore out years ago and will never stand upright again, no matter how many times you press the button. But on the upside, someone in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills building is sure to end up with that lampshade hilariously placed upon their drunken head at their next holiday party. And, just like the lamp and the drunken runaway hobo lion, they will likely end up in a pile on the floor by the end of the night.

Ahhh, the circle of life.

The Hole Truth

Today we have a basket:

And inside this basket, we've got a small selection of random NeighborGoodies:

I'm not actually sure what this neon green rectangle is. It's spongy, and since I don't know any better, I am going to have to assume that it is some sort of feminine hygiene product. It makes me wonder if this basket was actually someone's trash can before it became a NeighborGoodie.

It wouldn't surprise me at all, considering what else is in there:

What you're seeing now is a hand-held single hole puncher, some correction tape... and, my personal favorite, a plastic knife.

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, I feel I should tell you now that I am a big fan of office supplies. I love going to stores like Staples and Office Depot and wandering the aisles. I don't know why, but I just love my accordion folders and my postage scale... and yes, my correction tape.

I know I have no practical use for it, but it is effing cool. I love white out as well, although I currently don't have any. Perhaps some kind NeighborGooder will change that in the future.

While I am pro-correction tape, I always was pretty much against the hand-held hole puncher. Even more useless to me than the correction tape, this instrument is designed to create one single hole in your paper. This item has always been a mystery to me. My mother (Tina) had one of these things when I was growing up and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with it. Judging by Tina's reaction, I was definitely not supposed to be using it to chop individual strands of our carpet ("mowing the rug") or poke holes in my shirt (playing "moth.")

But I did some research for you, kind NeighborGoodies Enthusiast, to unlock the Mystery of the Hole Punch. According to this awesome article at about.com, the hole punch was invented in 1885 by Benjamin Smith. It was originally called the Conductor's Punch, and is still used to mark train tickets to this day:

It's Patented!

A few years later, a guy named Charles Brooks improved upon the original design. Always concerned with keeping things tidy (he also invented the street sweeper!), Charles attached a little trap to capture all the round paper (or carpet) clippings, so that there wouldn't be any litter!

And yet, in a cruel twist of fate, his invention has been placed in a wicker rubbish receptacle... on a table full of waste... in a building full of white trash that no amount of correction tape can erase.

Emmy Award Winning TV Dinner

Let's face it....TV's been in a pretty sad state because of the Writers' strike. But today's treasure includes everything you'll need to host a TV Night/Dinner party, if there are ever any new shows.

First, you'll need a can opener to pry open the canned string beans or tuna that you will be serving your guests. You'll also need a knife and cutting board to slice the homemade bread you've quite possibly cooked.


Then, of course, you'll need some matching plates to serve your food and beverages !



If the fruit design isn't quite for you, you can always utilize this quieter pattern:


Or, barring that, you could use this unique laundry-room-table blue plate, for any specials you may be serving or watching:


Now it's time for the main course, and you'll need this wooden spoon and metal scooper to serve the casserole you've no doubt made for the occasion:


After dinner, it's time to clean up! Your guests will almost certainly want to take the leftovers home, so be sure to use this designer Rose-colored Reynolds Wrap!



...which, since you're the perfect hostess, matches your pants!! The crowd loves it!


You can't have a dinner party without generating some trash, so someone was kind enough to leave this lovely receptacle for you:

...which is already filled with what looks to be an incredible combination of laundry detergent (or cocaine) and hair!


Now it's time for dessert:

...this 2007 Dove Emmy gift-bag exclusive...which will immediately be picked clean!


Of course, no TV dinner would be complete without this amazing Zenith 19" TV to watch your favorite shows!



...with Remote!




If the writers' strike continues, and you start having TV Parties for reruns of, say, The Love Boat, might I suggest this beautiful lei that someone was gracious enough to leave as well:



Great! Now you're all set up for your dinner party! But if you're the person who picked up the spices from the last post, I might eat before I get there.