Throw Me a Stone...

I don't think I'm overstating the situation when I say the NeighborGoodies Table is, quite possibly, one of the filthiest things on the planet. It is riddled with disgusting distustingness, such as this used Brita water purifier:

Initially purchased to help clean up this NeighborGooder's drinking water, this item was neglected and abused so much, that it eventually stopped purifying the user's water altogether and tried to kill them:

(Feel free to click on this for Maximum Nastiness!)

How could this item be dirtier than the LA tap water? I have this exact product in my own Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment, and it is pretty much spotless--mainly because I keep it clean... you know, because I DRINK OUT OF IT. Therefore, I know that this level of dirt and grime only could occur if someone was living in absolute filth, or planting flowers in their purifier.

Nothing could clean this thing... except maybe some Glass Wax which, due to its cleansing nature, was immediately thrown out of someone's apartment upon its discovery:

As you can tell by the metal packaging, Glass Wax is an Old Tyme Product which, despite its name, cleans much more than just glass:

The product was initially created in 1945 by Harold Schafer, whose story is chronicled at Medora, North Dakota's Number One Vacation Site! Because If You Live in North Dakota, You Deserve A Vacation™.

When I first laid eyes on this ancient cleaning solution, I thought it was perhaps a special promotion, harkening back to the early days of Glass Wax... because certainly nothing from our era could possibly still look like this. But as I inspected the product, I realized this thing is definitely authentically old:


This dented, rusted $3.99 container of Glass Wax has no markings on it whatsoever that would indicate a date, other than it being distributed by Airwick Industries, which bought out Gold Seal in 1986. They discontinued Glass Wax in 2005, much to the chagrin of many, many people who are still complaining about it on every blog and discussion group on the internet. (Many of whom claim to live in Glass Houses. Really?)


Glass Wax claims that it "Cleans 30 Kinds of Dirt in 30 Seconds," but as tempted as I am to use this 4 - 23 year old container of liquid cleaner on the water purifier (or heck, even the NeighborGoodies Table itself) I know there are people out there who really, REALLY want this product. And maybe, just maybe, one of them Lives in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

But I still wouldn't drink their water.

Mop N Glow

My lovely sister and I were in this hell hole building Luxurious Apartment Building in the Hollywood Hills, and and we saw a Neighbor step on to the elevator holding this:


After expressing surprise that the elevators were even working, my sister said "that's gonna wind up on that table. . ." And sure enough, when walked down into the laundry room later that day, there it was, in all its filthy, moppy glory.


Later, when I came back to snap some photos, there were a bunch of new NeighborGoodies on the table, along with a terrible odor. This isn't really that unusual, considering the filth that plagues the apartments here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, but this time, it was different... it seemed almost. . . mean!

I knew it wasn't the mop, because it didn't smell bad before. Plus, mops, no matter how good they claim to be at removing tough stains, aren't often used to clean up the scents of death and desperation, so they are unlikely to absorb it.

I also ruled out the used spaghetti strainer. . .

. . .as this somehow looks to be the cleanest thing that's been on the table in quite some time.
Of course...there's a pretty good chance it was cleaned using that mop, so I wouldn't go using it during your dinner parties quite yet.

I also wouldn't recommend using this:


. . .an old-school microwave oven, that is about the size of a standard television, and is clearly leaking radiation whenever it is in use. Possibly even when it isn't in use. I knew this had to be the culprit. Something awful was waiting inside of the Microwave. . .something heinous. . .and possibly severed & bloody.

I slowly opened the microwave. . .


. . .and discovered that, as strong as the odor was in the NeighborGoodies Laundry Room, it was fifteen times as strong inside of the microwave chamber.

These stains are all that is left of whatever was in there...but the laundry room quickly filled with the acrid odor of Hot Pockets, gas station burritos, and what may or may not be burnt flesh--likely from the radiation poisoning the previous owner has suffered. All of these olfactory offenses immediately clung to my clothes, which I'm seriously considering donating to the NeighborGoodies cause.

The lesson here is: Don't open up discarded microwaves. And that's. . . one to grow on.