Don't Play with your Food

I'm not ashamed to admit that I get really excited by giant boxes on the NeighborGoodies Table...

...so it should come as no surprise that a box marked "Plays" made me positively giddy. I was hoping for some unproduced, unwanted manuscripts that were thinly veiled versions of someone's Luxurious Life in the Hollywood Hills. The box is pretty big, so I thought there would be plenty of material for weeks to come. I was even going to stage YouTube performances with the just-now-invented NeighborGoodies Players.

But alas, when I peered inside the box of Plays, I was sorely disappointed to find...

...a set of Salt & Pepper shakers with matching napkin holder featuring a mother hen and baby chicks.

...

I think I speak for everyone when I say "Yo, this ain't even a play!"

The characters on these monstrosities have no depth......the giant flowered sets don't work at all...

....and furthermore, the flowers are being eaten by a giant ladybug who is completely miscast:
These salt & pepper shakers are not only hideous, but they are the basis for the worst play ever!!

Watch This!

A NeighborGoodies Play!

Starring Salt:









Pepper:

And a Special Surprise Guest!

ACT ONE

"Yo, Pepper! Come over here and check this out!!"






"What is it, Salt?"






"I want to introduce you to my friend!"





"Where? I don't see nobody!"





"Hey! Spinderella, cut it up one time!"





(Spinderella enters from stage right, begins to cut it up one time.)

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.

Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)

Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep?






I doubt it.






All right then, come on, Spin!

Ladies! All the ladies! Louder now! Help me out!
Come on, all the ladies!
Let's talk about sex!





Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio!





And why not? Everybody has sex!





I mean, everybody should be makin' love!





Come on, how many guys do you know make love??

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)

THE END.

As you can see, although it may be kinda catchy, the play is pretty much a mess. Poorly acted, badly written and worst of all, there's no real plot.

Or maybe I just don't understand the theater.

Throw Me a Stone...

I don't think I'm overstating the situation when I say the NeighborGoodies Table is, quite possibly, one of the filthiest things on the planet. It is riddled with disgusting distustingness, such as this used Brita water purifier:

Initially purchased to help clean up this NeighborGooder's drinking water, this item was neglected and abused so much, that it eventually stopped purifying the user's water altogether and tried to kill them:

(Feel free to click on this for Maximum Nastiness!)

How could this item be dirtier than the LA tap water? I have this exact product in my own Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment, and it is pretty much spotless--mainly because I keep it clean... you know, because I DRINK OUT OF IT. Therefore, I know that this level of dirt and grime only could occur if someone was living in absolute filth, or planting flowers in their purifier.

Nothing could clean this thing... except maybe some Glass Wax which, due to its cleansing nature, was immediately thrown out of someone's apartment upon its discovery:

As you can tell by the metal packaging, Glass Wax is an Old Tyme Product which, despite its name, cleans much more than just glass:

The product was initially created in 1945 by Harold Schafer, whose story is chronicled at Medora, North Dakota's Number One Vacation Site! Because If You Live in North Dakota, You Deserve A Vacation™.

When I first laid eyes on this ancient cleaning solution, I thought it was perhaps a special promotion, harkening back to the early days of Glass Wax... because certainly nothing from our era could possibly still look like this. But as I inspected the product, I realized this thing is definitely authentically old:


This dented, rusted $3.99 container of Glass Wax has no markings on it whatsoever that would indicate a date, other than it being distributed by Airwick Industries, which bought out Gold Seal in 1986. They discontinued Glass Wax in 2005, much to the chagrin of many, many people who are still complaining about it on every blog and discussion group on the internet. (Many of whom claim to live in Glass Houses. Really?)


Glass Wax claims that it "Cleans 30 Kinds of Dirt in 30 Seconds," but as tempted as I am to use this 4 - 23 year old container of liquid cleaner on the water purifier (or heck, even the NeighborGoodies Table itself) I know there are people out there who really, REALLY want this product. And maybe, just maybe, one of them Lives in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

But I still wouldn't drink their water.

Not-So-Hot Pot

Someone left behind this Toastmaster "Hot Pot"...

...complete with this note:
It simply states: "I can't get this to work but maybe you can!" This item has only the most basic technology--a plug and an on/off switch... and that's about it. There isn't even a temperature control on this piece of cookery. This is the kind of item that makes me want to bang on everyone's doors until I find the owner so that I may shout at them: "HEY! If you plugged it in and switched it to 'on' and it didn't work for you, it will not be working for anyone else. Because it is broken. Idiot!"

But then common sense kicks in and I realize they probably broke the damned thing by boiling one too many human heads inside of it...
See?

No Thanks.

Hi! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving! I certainly had a blast, but I can't say the same for some NeighborGooders who seem to have spent the last few days trying to eliminate all memories of the weekend.

Holidays are always stressful no matter what--especially if you have guests in town--so it doesn't seem all that strange to me that immediately after a Big Holiday Meal, someone unceremoniously dumped their plates, their pots. . .

. . .and their silverware onto the NeighborGoodies Table...

...almost, it seems, in an effort to ensure that no one can ever come to their Luxurious Home in the Hollywood Hills for a holiday meal again. Based on the overwhelming circumstantial evidence, I believe I can piece together what occurred on this Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills--and it isn't pretty.

Along with your unwanted house guests, the presence of a scale is almost certainly unwelcome during the holiday season. Especially if, for example, said guest is your cranky mother-in-law who constantly needles you about your weight.

With the economic crisis, coupled with the stress of the holidays and a case or two of red wine; one little comment too many and suddenly BLAM! You've got a Thanksgiving Double Homicide on your hands.

One moment you're picking off the last of the turkey and the next, one of your house guests is being carved up with an ass full of stuffing while another is being pureed into a Hate Pie with this lovely blender:

If you look closely, I think you can see skin cells, hair follicles and signs of human struggle on the lid:


In an effort to sober the attacker and calm any survivors down, someone brews a pot of decaf...

...while trying to clear up any evidence of mashed-face potatoes, gran-berry sauce and screamed corn. And man-yams™. Because there are almost certainly some man-yams around when all is said and done.

Now calm, the chef-turned-Thanksgiving Killer insists on dumping the evidence--and any chance of another dinner party--onto the Big Blue NeighborGoodies table. Now, any would-be visitors would have no plates to eat from, no utensils to eat with, and no coffee to drink...


...and certainly no non-dairy creamer or coffee stirrers if they somehow sneak in with a cup of their own coffee. After all, our hosts certainly don't want a repeat of the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, which seems almost unavoidable with another set of holidays coming up.

On the other hand, I suppose all this stuff could be on the NeighborGoodies Table simply because someone moved out at the end of the month.

Either way, I wouldn't eat any leftovers from this building. Just in case.

Dirty Devils

Howdy! Hope your Halloween weekend was full of spooky, scary fun! The NeighborGoodies Table certainly saw its share of Halloween adventures over the weekend. On Saturday, this pre-packaged "Sinister Devil" costume showed up:

Despite one of Satan's sleeves hanging out of the bag, this costume appeared to be unused, the result of Halloween plans falling through, I assumed. But then a few hours later, this pitchfork appeared:
I realized that while Devil costume was, in fact, unused, the pitchfork wasn't there when I first took the photo of the costume-in-a-bag. What sort of Halloween Chicanery is this!? Why would someone remove the pitchfork from the costume? Clearly, there's something unholy happening in the halls here in the Hollywood Hills.

Here are the facts:

1. "Sinister Devil" costume is left, pitchfork having been removed.
2. "Sinister Devil" pitchfork shows up hours later, after someone had already taken the costume off the table, presumably to use it for a party on Saturday evening.
3. Someone clearly removed the pitchfork from the costume in order to use it in some sort of Halloween Massacre™.
4. In addition to the Pitchfork, two other possible murder weapons were found on the Big Blue Table! This pair of expensive, deadly scissors:

...which was clearly used to stab someone after the pitchfork had already been inserted into an oraface. Then there's this extremely dangerous...

...ice cream scooper... which was likely used to carve out eyes and brains of the Sinister Devil's victim!

A body has not yet been recovered in the neighborhood, but these pieces of terrifying evidence continue to pile up. Including the most frightening item of all:

...the young co-ed victim's pink thong! Because unless you were dead, there is NO OTHER REASON to leave your dirty effing underwear on my NeighborGoodies Table.

Clearly, not enough people were killed in my building over Halloween.

Umm...I mean "Have a great week!"