The Breast Things in Life Are Free

Welcome to 2010! Twenty-ten. 2kX.

Ahem.

Anyway, 2010 is only five days old, but it is shaping up to be the biggest year yet for NeighborGoodies! The table is bluer than ever and new neighbors are coming in and out of the building, leaving all sorts of interesting things for us to discuss. But the biggest news of all?

The Official NeighborGoodies Book Deal!™

All we need now is a publisher! And also, obviously, a book deal.

But clearly, this will be happening any moment. How could it not? NeighborGoodies has charm, wit and intrigue--all things that these so-called "actually published" books do not:

Take The Art of Sugarcraft - Pastillage & Sugar Moulding. Yeah, that's a real page turner. Can't wait to see how this one ends.

Advancements in Reading Technology will also prevent the temporarily-non-existent-NeighborGoodies book from eventually looking like this edition of The New Basics Cookbook:


You see, a coffee table book like NeighborGoodies will need to be engineered using state-of-the-art bookbinding methods in order to withstand the high level of vigorous page-turning we expect. In fact, we anticipate that the nearly-forthcoming NeighborGoodies books (volumes 1 through 8--possibly more depending on sales--but let's not get ahead of ourselves) will be named as Most-Thumbed-Through-Of-2011. This is, as I'm sure you know, the literary equivalent of an Album of the Year Grammy or a Best Screenplay Oscar.

And why would the NeighborGoodies book be given an honor as coveted as the Pubbly? Because it wouldn't slow you down with dumb things like "Plot" or "Story," like "novels" do. I'm sure you've heard of "novels"--they're the books made up almost entirely of words... not a photograph among them! Books such as...


...Ralph's Party which, for the record, is about a bunch of people living in an apartment building, many of them up to shenanigans of one sort or another.

Sound familiar? Well, don't get too excited. As I perused the reviews online, it became clear that none of the best qualities of NeighborGoodies were represented in Lisa Jewell's work. For example, there don't seem to be any murders. And life in an apartment building without murder is a lot like enjoying your job: Sure, it happens sometimes. But what are the odds? No wonder these books have been discarded onto the Big Blue Table with such haste!

Another plot-driven book available on the NeighborGoodies Table:

Ann Hood's Ruby. Ruby is about a manipulative bratty girl who is all broody and annoying. Everyone thinks she's pregnant, but based on my own opinion of this book I have not read, I think Ruby is probably just fat. Or wait... maybe I'm thinking of the Other Ruby. Whatever the case, NeighborGoodies' own tales of Teen Angst are probably much more accurate than this book's stories of unwanted teen pregnancies, widows, and, for some reason, hats.

Of course, some writers rely solely on smut to get their books published:

I, for one, would NEVER do that.


This... booby book (for lack of a better term) is simply offensive:


And that's one thing that NeighborGoodies NEVER is.

So get those book deals in today! America--NO! The World!--will thank you.

Get A Life

There's been a lot of activity on the NeighborGoodies Table over the past week, and I apologize for not reporting such insanity to you sooner.

This flurry of Goodies is really no surprise; As people move in or out at the beginning/end of each month, the unwanted items that don't fit in with their new homes often get Left Behind.

I took this photo last weekend, while I was doing laundry:

By the time my laundry was done... the sheer amount of crap on this table had more than doubled:
In fact, for the first time in NeighborGoodies History, there were so many Goodies on the Big Blue Table, items began to spill out into the hallway adjacent to the Laundry Room, creating a sort of NeighborGoodies Annex:

In another rare occurrence, I actually caught sight of the person leaving these items. He's lived down the hall from me for almost as long as I've lived in this building. The fact that we've never spoken probably comes as no surprise to you; As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a people-person. Especially when the "people" in question are sweaty, murdery/killy types who look kind of like Chris Elliot.

As the afternoon progressed, he would pop down with electronics...

...or clothes....

...or cleaning supplies...
...or other insane miscellany...
...all clearly in an effort to not have to transport any of these items to wherever the hell he's moving to. Because some of these items are pretty useful--excluding the duck literature, of course--I'm going to go ahead and assume that he has joined a cult and has been encouraged to move into their compound, where he has no need for DVD players, clothing or duck trivia. I mean, we do have several famously terrifying cults nearby in these luxurious Hollywood Hills who would just love to consume another soul. Why else would one leave behind a book like this:

Judging this book purely by its cover, one can only assume that "Pursuing Windows of Opportunity and Change" is some sort of cult manual designed to brainwash you into leaving behind all your worldly possessions...



...and joining their team of mind abusers. Need more proof? Read on, dear...uhh, reader.

These cults prey on the lonely, the confused, the abandoned. They isolate you from your family, friends, and money. Obviously, anything of any religious significance has no room in these cults...
...and because they lure their victims away from their social circle, you don't hear a lot about cult members making or decorating cakes....

...or about serving coffee with that cake...
...or playing board games while eating that delicious cake and drinking coffee...
...so clearly, my theory must be 100% correct.

My former neighbor, the Killy Chris Elliot has finally gotten a life... probably on some compound. But I'm sure he'll be back soon enough to harvest some more souls. Luckily, he was stupid enough to leave behind a weapon for me to protect myself:
After all: toy that could potentially blind you, yet is marketed to children by naming it after their grandfather, is an invaluable tool in fighting the cults and killers that roam the around the increasingly Dangerous (but still no less luxurious) Hollywood Hills.

Ring Around the Scholar

Oh! Well, hello there, and welcome Back to NeighborGoodies! Did you miss us? Of course you did!

Sorry for unannounced break, but I've been verybusy throwing fruit at people (Please see BananaSurprise for details!) and traveling everywhere (Please see the Country Fried Road Trip for details!)

And just this past weekend, I was in Chicago at my friend Jeff's wedding who, as it turns out, had told every single person he's ever met about this blog--which is why we're huge in the Midwest. So: Congratulations on your wedding, Jeff, and thanks for forcing your friends, family and co-workers into The NeighborGoodies FanBase!

And now: Back to your irregularly scheduled NeighborGoodies!

Since it’s back to school season, I feel it’s best to start off with something for our student-readers. I'm happy to offer some excellent items that can help you make a good first impression on your new classmates! As you know, any good student needs lots of books--Luckily, someone was kind enough to donate twelve of them...


…sure, they're phone books, but they’re chock full of information for you to memorize! These books are a great way to get to know your fellow classmates. For example, when you take these out in your lecture hall, people will surely encircle you and ask you things like, "Why are you carrying phone books," "What's wrong with you," and "Why are we even still making phone books?"

The people who ask this last question are the ones you want to keep around: They are clearly the smartest and most critical thinkers in your class. If no one asks any of these questions, perhaps you should reconsider your choice of schools, as you are surrounded by people who aren't taking an interest in their surroundings. If it's too late to change schools, you could just start calling the numbers out of these books to find someone smart enough to not want to talk to you, and then insist on being their friend.

But as every student knows, learning is more than just books--it's life! And you can't live life naked, so I think some new duds are in order. Nothing can re-invent you better than these handsome and dusty cherry-brown shoes...

...or this very snazzy button-down shirt...

...with a giant, nasty stain around its collar:

I always thought Ring Around the Collar was something that only happened in TV commercials during the 70's & 80's... I had no idea it is still a real--and totally disgusting--phenomenon.

But no one ever said being popular was easy: Do you think NeighborGoodies is so well-loved because of our cleanliness? Do you think we're popular because we have a Twitter and a Facebook page? Do you think people care about us because we make it super-easy to subscribe to NeighborGoodies by email to get each episode delivered directly your inbox?

No. We're popular because people apparently like filth and determination! And nothing says, "I exude confidence (and acid-based neck-sweat!)" quite like deep, fuming stains on your shirts.

So go, young students! Go off and proudly display your Yellow Pages and your Yellow Stains--and Let Your Fingers Do The Walking! (But not in those dusty shoes... They'll never fit.)

Not So Great Adventure

In the current economic climate, you can leave no stone unturned when looking for a job or, heck, even a new career! And today, some NeighborGooder wants to help you in your search for the right path with...

"Adventure Careers - Your Guide to Exciting Jobs, Uncommon Occupations & Extraordinary Experiences."

I feel like the person depositing this book has maybe suffered through a long series of terrible jobs, some with unreasonable and crazy bosses. Bosses who, for example, might give notes to change a project without ever laying eyes on it, despite the weeks and weeks of work you've done. I know, I know... it sounds ridiculous, but some people are insane.

So while a new career may be in order, I'm not sure what sort of "Adventure Careers" this book is trying to sell you on. After all, along with the book, I found this Cuervo Silver necklace...
...along with some creepy boas:


So while a new career in the world's oldest profession may seem like an adventure... I think I'll stick with my current career, as full of giant nightmares as it is. Cuz at least when I get screwed at work now, I don't need to see a doctor.

Hello, Pity

There are lots of people out there who are full of untapped promise... present company excluded of course. I mean, the mere fact that you are reading these words means you are living up to your maximum potential. Kudos to you!

For the rest of the idiots, there are books like this:

While I have not personally read The Guide to Confident Living, I can pretty much guarantee that its pages are filled with lessons such as "Believing in Yourself (Even When No One Else Will)" and "Grabbing That Tiger By The Tail!!"

I'm not saying these books don't have their place. The person who bought this book was probably in a really bad place--maybe they had just gone through a nasty divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Or maybe, just maybe, they had just endured a particularly soul-crushing job that left them a little stabby, and they needed some semblance of order in their lives.

One of the lessons that are in all of these books is "Visualizing and Organizing." Generally, this is the part of the book that says if you clean up the surroundings you can control, the rest of the world will somehow magically fall into place. I, for one, encourage that behavior--After all, that's probably the number one reason people dump these objects on the NeighborGoodies Table.

In an effort to get herself together, the gal who bought this book rushed out to Staples and grabbed a shit-ton of binders:


One important lesson from the NeighborGoodies Life-Improvement Seminar: Don't lose yourself while you improve yourself!™ Our heroine made sure to hold onto her quirky, fun personality by picking up some Hello Kitty stationary to fill her three-ring binder with:


She even enrolled in classes...
...and decorated her now-empty Consulting Skills Program notebook with a little froggy sticker...
...because how else will she "Hop" to success?

How did our heroine fare?

Well, according to the level of dust on the notebooks (as well as this calendar from 2006)...


...I think it's safe to assume that maybe she's still trying to Live Confidently in the Hollywood Hills.

So I guess the lesson here is to tell your dopey friends to come and read NeighborGoodies so that they, too, can experience their Maximum Potential! After all: If you hang out with idiots, then what does that make you?

Collector's Edition

People collect all kinds of weird things. Baseball Cards, Dolls, Human Skulls... these are just some of the common collectibles that nerds, nerdettes & psychopaths all around the world are hoarding. There are countless websites dedicated to people's vast and ill-conceived collections. Some people even collect photos of other people's garbage, or pictures of people being pelted with bananas. Talk about ridiculous!

Ahem...

Anyway, here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, someone has amassed a collection of failed collections. These seem to be coming from a person in search of something to hoard. Early in this guy's life, he came home one day after school, ashamed that he was the only boy without a hobby. So after careful consideration, he chose stamp collecting:


A Philatelist generally spends years collecting stamps, often of the first day they come out. This guy started his collection in 1973, back when US Postage Stamps were only eight cents:

And while he clearly started off with gusto--gathering a huge collection of seven stamps--it's clear that he abandoned his project pretty quickly, possibly when stamps rose from 8 to 10 cents in March of 1974. Those two extra cents were too much for him to handle, so he decided to switch gears and, in the early 80's started collecting change...

...and rocks. I think initially he was trying to convince himself that by collecting the change, he could raise enough cash to revive his ailing stamp collection. And coin collecting on its own can be quite profitable if done right. But as you can see....
...he was mainly collecting Pesos, which are about as effective as his little rocks when trying to purchase stamps from the US Postal Service. (Although I've often wanted to throw stones at some of the clerks, so maybe he was on to something.)

The latest Peso is deted 1981, and I assume he remained hobby-less for nearly ten years abefore finally (albeit briefly) settling on a more manly hobby to evenutally ignore:

Cars! This Hobby, likely inspired by a combination of the Tim Allen era of 'butch comedy' and a mid-life crisis, lasted for about as long as you might think for a guy who amassed a collection of stamps and coins worth approximately $1.19 over the course of 27 years.

So what makes people want to collect things? Well, I might have done some light reading on the subject...

...and it turns out that some psychologists believe that it's mankind's effort to control some small portion of the world they live in, or an attempt to have a project that extends over the course of a lifetime. According to this article, Sigmund Freud suggested that collecting items "ties back to the time of toilet training." His theory was that potty training is so traumatic that the first flush creates a sense of loss, and you spend the rest of your life trying to regain what was taken from you.

Which would explain why this guy's collection is so... shitty.

Hey-o!

The Gospel According to Hussies

I got a text message last week from the NeighborGoodies Ally--my friend who Lives in Luxury downstairs from me that discovered the blog not too long ago. He and his fiancée wanted to alert me of the following collection of Girl Power, God Power and, well, Smut:

First up, some Girl Power:

Books with titles such as "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday and "The Sensuous Woman" by someone only known as "J"...

...how could these not be high quality? "Women on Top" is, according the book cover, the source for "How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies." Meanwhile, the Sensuous Woman (Brought to you by the letter "J") is billed as "The Runaway Best Seller That Changed the Way Women Make Love." Personally, I feel like these descriptions were switched at the Book Factory... or wherever it is that books come from.

These books are, of course, in direct contrast to the God Power items, with titles such as "The Promise of God"...
...which, for the record is billed as "A Novel," and something called Power for Living...

...which may or may not be a religious book, but judging by its cover (which, yes, I'm going to do. Try and stop me!) it is a preachy piece of literature that tells you if you find God, everything will magically fall into place.

Finally, there's the undoubtedly religious "Here We Stand..."

...which is "An Exposition of the Apostles' Creed." For those of you who didn't grow up Catholic, the Apostles' Creed is one of the longer prayers we had to endure in school--they didn't even bother throwing it at us until the fourth grade, along with long division and writing with actual ink, as opposed to pencils. (Fourth grade was a big year!)

Because it was drilled into our heads, I can still remember every line of this monologue, even though I haven't set foot inside a church since I began living a Sinful Alternative Lifestyle. And while it's true it was a massive prayer, I am 100% positive that if I were to do a dissertation on it, I could likely describe the creed in LESS THAN FOUR audio cassettes:

I mean: WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Who needs to dissect a prayer over FOUR CASSETTES? What hidden meanings could this piece of work have? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good that someone out there is questioning the prayer itself, as opposed to rattling it off like sheep as we were forced to do in grade school, but I have to believe that you could maybe do it in a speech that is under four hours.

And right smack in the middle of all of these items on the NeighborGoodies Table is an unholy, unsanitary mix of both Girl Power and God Power:

This miniature New Testament, coupled with this even more miniature turquoise, polka-dotted, frilly thong is really like looking at the battle of Good versus Evil right here in a Laundry Room in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills. Personally, I'm not sure who to root for. But I do know one thing: Not even God wants to touch that bible after it's been near those panties, Girl Power be damned.