Tables Have Turned

Well, it was just a matter of time. When I started this blog 13 months ago, I vowed never to mess with the natural order of the NeighborGoodies. But in the last few weeks, I've not only taken one object, but TWO as giveaways for the first-ever NeighborGoodies Contest. And so, to help offset the damage I've done to the fragile eco-system of the Big Blue Table, I've donated a piece of my own. A whole new coffee table:

And by "new," of course, I mean "30 years old." When I moved to the Luxurious Hollywood Hills from the East Coast, I brought a lot of furniture with me, including this piece which originally belonged my grandmother. Recently, I've been upgrading the living room to be Even More Luxurious and, as lovely as this unstable wood and faux-marble beauty is... it just didn't fit anymore.

In keeping with the general theme of the items usually placed downstairs, I made sure to leave as many crumbs and mug stains on the object as possible, even adding more to it once it was placed atop the NeighborGoodies table.

This, of course, resulted in the table being taken away within 25 minutes... Mainly because it's clearly the Best NeighborGoodie Ever. Or maybe because someone needed kindling. It could also be broken apart and used to attack any vampires you might encounter. Whatever its new use is, it sure as hell can't be as a coffee table, as it will likely collapse under the weight of even the thinnest of magazines.

By The Seat of Your Pants

Today, we’ve got a couple of decent looking dining room chairs:

These firm, sturdy and, dare I say, handsome seats look to be in pretty good shape. (And, as you know, I’m well-versed in The art of Chair-ery.)

The fact that there’s practically no wear on these items means one of three things:

A: The NeighborGooder was meticulous about chair care while in use in their luxurious home in the Hollywood Hills.

B: Someone purchased them specifically for a Very Important Meeting at the NeighborGoodies Table, and left them there upon completion of Said Meeting.

Or C: The chairs sat empty in the NeighborGooder’s apartment for years, serving as a reminder that no matter how many seats you have in your home, no one will sit in them if they hate you.

Each day, those chairs would sit beneath the dining room table, where a popular person would host dinner parties and game nights... and Oh! how the chairs would wish for an ass to perch upon them! Now, through the miracle that is the NeighborGoodies Table, one of the asses in my building will be able to fulfill this furniture’s lifelong dream..

And wouldn’t that ass look incredible in these Sexy Jeans?

From Emale Industry’s Denim Division…

…these jeans are just lying on the table, likely full of poo (why else would you discard a pair of jeans?) just waiting for someone to take them. There's always something creepy to me about used jeans, and I can't quite put my finger on it. It may be because of the time my roommate and I were walking around somewhere in Hollywood with one of the asses from the building, and we stumbled upon a pair of filthy Diesel jeans laying on someone’s front lawn—with a pair of underwear still inside.

You just know that whatever the events were that lead to those jeans being on the lawn, it wasn't pretty. So you can imagine how revolting it was when The Ass went over to the discarded jeans… and picked them up. My roommate and I recoiled in horror as The Ass jumped around excitedly with the dirty denim in his hands. He was psyched because they were Diesel Jeans—in his size! He let the briefs (which, I think it is safe to assume, were soiled) drop to the ground and brought the jeans with us, despite our protests: “You’re going to get feces in the car!”

“They’re Diesel!” he cried, “These things are expensive!”

So is treatment for Hepatitis, ass.

Weirdly, we stopped going to his apartment after that. Hmm... Come to think of it, those chairs do look kinda familiar...

Ottoman Empire

I saw this small, hideous ottoman on the floor beneath the NeighborGoodies table. . .

. . .and decided that I wanted to put it on the table in order to get a better look at it and take its picture. I wanted to get some cool shots of the ornate design on the ottoman itself, not to mention the hideous fabric. However, when I tried to move this beast, I discovered that it is the single heaviest piece of furniture on the entire planet.

It's just stunning. It must have taken at least two people to move this beast down to the NeighborGoodies Laundry Room, and they both likely collapsed before they were able to place it on the table itself. It was left on the floor as everyone involved was carted off to the hospital to be treated for hernias, exhaustion and terrible taste in furniture.

Fortunately, only one of them fractured their skull on the NeighborGoodies floor upon impact, as the other one landed softly on this equally hideous pillow. . .


. . .which, as the color scheme suggests, looks like it was taken directly from the set of Miami Vice. . .Then kicked around and chewed up for 25 years. Just like me! Wait... what. . .?

Jolly Green Giant

NeighborGoodies is back with a vengeance!

Ok, so maybe I wasn't completely honest last time. Yes...it's difficult to rely on neighbors to throw trash out in order to try and write about it...but it is also pretty difficult to write about things that get thrown out every morning before you wake up.

I've had a weird schedule the past few weeks, so please forgive my lack of entries. But now, I'm back on track...and I bring to you the Biggest. NeighborGoodie. Ever!



This Giant Green Futon is by far the biggest piece I've ever seen atop the NeighborGoodies table. It's doubly confusing because the same NeighborGooder left a much-less-heavy item on the ground:

This black bean bag chair weighs about an eighth of that futon, and I couldn't figure out what sort of fool would put the extra energy into putting the heavy item up on the table, rather than leaving it on the floor beneath.

But now as I look at the photos....I realize that what we're dealing with here is a Secret Genius! By placing the futon up high, they trick potential customers into thinking that perhaps this is a normal futon. However, if you look closely, you'll notice that this futon will simply rest directly on your floor, leaving the taker at a most uncomfortable angle for television viewing and/or video game play.

The Bean Bag chair is a perfect companion piece to the floor-level futon, as they both rest on the floor. Talk about Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills indeed!

Both pieces of furniture look like they are in pretty decent shape...but don't let them fool you. In my first apartment in LA, back before there was ever a NeighborGoodies table, I bought a futon from my friend Michael. After a few weeks, it became evident that whoever spent any time on the disgusting thing had to visit a doctor. People were coming down with all sorts of conditions. They had rashes, pink eyes, and there was even an unconfirmed case of chlamydia. After the mystery funk on the futon ate through its metal frame, I finally asked Michael what the hell was up with this thing.

He replied that his friend had rubbed her. . .girlie bits all over it, and he decided to get rid of it immediately. So the lesson here? If you see a used Futon (or vagina) on a NeighborGoodies table near you, just say no.

The Thing

This item has been hanging around the NeighborGoodies table all week long, but it took me until this morning to realize it is, in fact, a giveaway.

The problem is that it's not actually on the Official NeighborGoodies Table...just kinda near it, which is probably why no one has taken it yet:


Ok, maybe that's not the problem. Perhaps the problem is that no one knows what the hell this thing is. In fact, I'm not sure that this item has a real function.

It's got the base of a lamp. . .


....and has hanger-like arms coming out of it. . .


The top portion looks like it was removed from a sturdy wooden hanger, and the bottom, metal contraption spins for some inexplicable reason.

And the whole mess is capped off with what seems to be . . .an ash tray?


This Frankenstein of furniture begs the question: What is it?

I started thinking that maybe it's a coat rack, but it only stands about four and a half feet high total, and the two sets of arms are way too low to the ground to hang anything of length on them. Plus, it would only really work if you used the two sets of arms as hangers...so why bother?

It really does seem lamp-like in its structure, but there is no place for a bulb. Or a lampshade, for that matter.

That metal set of arms beneath the wooden hanger is kind of like a paper towel dispenser, but I couldn't find a way to separate it from the rest of the body to install a roll.

And as an ashtray, it seems pretty inconvenient. You certainly couldn't sit around it and smoke, unless you were on a pretty high barstool, or a bunch of chairs stacked upon one another. And that just seems like a lot of effort.

But the fact that the metal dish on top is pretty clean (for a NeighborGoodie) indicates that it probably wasn't ever used as an ash tray.

And so, dear reader(s)...i just have no idea what the hell this is.

Any thoughts?

One Night Stand

This morning on my way out, I discovered the elevators were down. Again. So I had to exit the building and re-enter through the garage in order to make my way back into NeighborGoodies Central.

Unfortunately, I was too late. I saw a young couple leaving with a lightweight wicker night stand/end table thing. As I was pretending to wait with them for the elevator that never came, the couple squealed with delight at their new acquisition. Clearly, taking a photo of it would have been strange, as my anonymity is of the utmost importance to the Neighborgoodies Project... but I got a pretty good look at it.

Standing about three feet high and made of that dark Pier 1 type of wicker, it looked like it weighed less than an ounce. It was about 3 feet tall, but only about 8 square inches wide. The tiny stand also includes a drawer, perfect for storing any bibles or small remote controls you'd like to keep out of sight.

Of course, the couple may have different intentions. A neighbor of mine right in this very building had a similar table in his bedroom that he used as a "sex drawer," where he kept all of his unmentionables. He told me that it once belonged to his grandmother.

I said, "Really? You're using your grandmother's antique table as a sex drawer?" His reply was: "Well, it was probably her sex drawer, too."

We don't speak anymore. And that's also why I don't take any of the Neighborgoodies. You never know what the previous owner's grandparents were doing with it.