By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Get Rich Quick!

Living in Luxury takes lots of money. Luckily, one happy Luxury Liver has chosen to share his secret of success right here on the NeighborGoodies table:

Chances are, he or she has so much money from reading this book, that they ran out of room in their spacious apartment here in the Hollywood Hills. Having already made a fortune, their only option was to share their secret with some lucky burgeoning investor who happened to be doing laundry. If you're really serious about being as successful as someone living in this building, you'll want to get started right away. Luckily, there's a brand new (to you!) office chair set up at NeighborGoodies Central just for you:

This way, you can sit right down at the big blue table and figure out your financial future instantly, while your delicates are drying!

As I look at this photo, I'm reminded of when I first moved to Hollywood with nothing but a dream and about four cents to my name. When I first got here...I didn't even live in luxury! In fact, it took months before I could even find a real job. I eventually had to give up and find work through a temp agency, who were eager to place me somewhere "In the Industry!"

Apparently "The Industry" they were referring to wasn't Entertainment, as they immediately placed me at a company whose main function was to design offices. They took care of everything from lighting to furniture to cubical design. They had a room full of catalogs they referred to as "The Library," which featured endless photos of the different furniture available for your new office. My function, at $8 - 10/hour, was to reorganize this library by collecting the loose pages of these catalogs from the sales team and putting them back in order by object. In other words: I filed pictures of chairs.

These chairs were placed in different books based on their unique features. Features most humans don't even think about when considering office chairs. Features such as:

1. Do they have arms?

2. Do they have wheels? (And if so, how many? Chairs with four wheels were in one category, while chairs with five wheels were in a different category. Chairs with Five wheels and two arms were often very high end, while chairs with no wheels were in a different category altogether: Guest Chairs.)

3. What kind of fabric are the chairs made of? (Leather = good. Everything else = bad.)

4. Chair Color, to match any office d├ęcor!

5. Special Functions of the chairs (These included, but aren't limited to: How high you can raise the chair, whether or not the chair can lean back, does it vibrate, etc.)

When I worked there, filing pictures of furniture all day long, it didn't take me long to understand why some men go home and beat their wives. It was the single most soul-sucking experience of my life; and I've worked in Reality TV. I also don't think I need to tell you that the office chair available as a NeighborGoodie is pretty low-end, even with its five wheels. With no arms, no leather and a crooked back, it's certainly not a chair that someone who's investing in Mutual Funds would ever want around them. Because, according to the company I worked at, "Success is Where You Sit!™"

1 comment:

Lucia Pamela said...

Everyone (else) knows you don't put delicates in the dryer.