By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Peach Pit

One of the things I like about the NeighborGoodies table is that a virtual potpourri of items can be found there. Sometimes even Actual Potpourri can be found there:

When I walked into NeighborGoodies Central, I was overpowered by some sort of fruity stench. (Not to be confused with Judi Dench, who was not on the NeighborGoodies table.)

I noticed the bag on the table and looked at the label closely:

The Peach Potpourri left an indelible mark on my nose. . .it smelled like someone was making a batch of homemade peach baby food with their feet.

Speaking of things that stink, also on the NeighborGoodies table:

A radio/cassette/cd player (including speakers) with the following caveat attached:

Sweet! As I was snapping photos of this, I got excited about the idea of having something to listen to my cassingles with...but then two loud girls from the building came down so I pretended to do laundry and watched as they squealed about taking the radio and using the speakers for their computer. . .because apparently they feel as though they aren't making enough noise by themselves.

I disagree.

They also took the potpourri. Ruiners.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The All Star Show

At first, I thought this shirt was just another concert tee from a shitty Woodstock-esque type of festival concert headlined by Jefferson Airplane. . .

. . .But then as I sat down to write this post, I realized that all the band names on this are . . .fake?

"The All Star Show" with its message of "Peace" features acts such as Johnson Airplane, Billy Hendrix, Buffalo Springsteen and Joe Crocker along with stalwarts such as Moody Blue Waters Band, Bruce Butterfield, and the Wonderland Blues Band.

I thought perhaps this shirt was from the world's greatest cover-band concert...but when I Google "The All Star Show" and add any of the acts listed on the shirt, nothing comes up. And as we've learned before...if it's not on Google, it's not real.

A few of the individual names on this shirt do have Google Listings, however:

Headliner Johnson Airplane seems to be an early Airplane Supply company:

Johnson Airplanes boasts a record of flying--having flown 376,821 miles between November 1920 and May 1924 "Without Accident or Injury to Anyone!" Just ask Johnson himself!

So Johnson Airplane isn't a seminal rock band and won't be headlining any sort of show, all-star or otherwise. But I did discover that Billy Hendrix is at least a musician. . .

. . .but i somehow doubt he's sharing the stage with the likes of, say, Bruce Butterfield, Flower Expert:

So what do these people have in common, other than being on this shirt? I have no idea. I can't figure out what this shirt is all about. Can any of you NeighborGoodie Enthusiasts shed any light on this thing? Is it perhaps the work of a lazy (or creative) bootleg t-shirt maker? Or is it something even more sinister? Whatever the answer, I'm definitely more than a little scared of it....but not as terrified as I am of Bruce Butterfield.

Also on the NeighborGoodies table is this pleasant new logo:

Special thanks to Sean at for leaving this on the NeighborGoodies table for all of us to enjoy!

Now run to the hills and tell all your little friends about this site using our snazzy new logo! Go on! Git!

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Dora Bull

Today, the NeighborGoodieGods have offered up a new place to live, in case the rent is too high here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills:

It's Dora the Explorer's Color-In Playhouse! Inspired by the classic Dora episode "Dora Explores the Homeless Problem," this handsome cardboard Playhouse (in the shape of a star) is part coloring book, part shelter from the elements:

The previous owner...a girl named Jamie. . .

. . .or "V Jaiem ♥" as those under five spell it. . . has already pre-decorated your new home, leaving it on the table partially colored in! The box was sealed shut with tape, but I did manage to catch a tiny glimpse of the artistic genius that is the work of V Jaiem ♥:

She is a true talent! For those of you who can't get enough Dora--V Jaiem ♥ also left behind her handsome TV tray...

. . .the very tray that she ate her Froot Loops on while being inspired by the episode called "I Married Dora" in which Dora weds an American Citizen in order to stay in the United States and not have to live in a cardboard star-house!

Oh wait. . .

Maybe that was this show:

I often get these two confused. I wonder if V Jaiem ♥ is the artist responsible for this early NeighborGoodies Masterpiece. If so, she's a genius.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Last Dance

NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts, it is my sad duty to report to you this exclusive:

Hampton Hampster, the Internet's first true celebrity, has perished.
Almost a decade after achieving international fame with his very catchy Hamster Dance, Hampy (as his friends called him), died of natural causes in his home in the Hollywood Hills, which now rests comfortably on the NeighborGoodies table:

He moved to Hollywood with the same hopes and dreams thousands of others do each and every day. As Hampy tried to cash in on his instant fame, he did the talk show circuit, holding court with the greats, such as Keenan Ivory Wayans and Roseanne. Later, Hampy went on to try his paw at acting and was cast in the starring role of Harvey the Wonder Hamster on the short-lived CBS Saturday morning series "The Weird Al Show":

Hampy eventually went behind the camera and directed a few episodes of Friends before eventually settling down as a record producer:

Hampy's albums sold enough copies for him to retire in luxury in this palatial estate, complete with exercise wheel:

The full water-dropper indicates the suddenness with which this shocking loss took place.

One of Hampy's favorite places to play outside of his home was this green plastic cup:

According to long time friend and Global Warming Activist, Al Gore, Hampy just loved to climb into this cup, poke his head out at unsuspecting would-be drinkers and shout"Go Green!"

But now Hampy will never go green...or anywhere else again.

God bless you, Hampton Hampster. We'll miss you. Even if you never learned how to spell Hamster.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Ever wonder what books are on a typical coffee table in the Hollywood Hills?

This is about right:

Here, we have an informative guide to Super 8 motels across the country, an old issue of Muscle & Fitness (with the address label portion torn off, indicating that it is, in fact, a subscription) and a copy of the latest Yellow Pages....because apparently, people still use the Yellow Pages somewhere.

Judging from the fitness rag, I imagine that a wannabe actor dropped these items off. He likely moved to LA in pursuit of a career, and after a long road trip across the country (staying only at Super 8s, of course) our hero found his way into Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills like the rest of us.

If they weren't all on his coffee table, they were probably in his bathroom, along with the only other books in his apartment--all of which are likely about studying acting. That is, of course, unless he's the same NeighborGooder who gave these away a few months ago--In which case, he's given up on acting altogether. That might help explain what I found in this Sephora Bag:

Housed in this bag are about a dozen dirty, crusted and scratched prop sunglasses:

While the level of dust on each of these glasses indicate that they haven't been used in years, the distinct design of each indicates that when they were used, they were used hilariously.

The NeighborGooder was obviously in a (now-defunct) comedy troupe, which no doubt had a clever & creative name such as "Kiss My Skits" or "Steak Har-Har!" When placed on his handsome, actory face, each pair of glasses transformed our NeighborGooder into a plethora of unique and wonderful characters, all now prematurely retired.

Characters such as the Three Blind Guys. . .

Imagine the hilarity of three blind guys wandering the stage,
bumping into each other and shouting
things like "Hey! Watch where you're goin!"

There's also the ever-popular "sees the world through Rose Colored Glasses" guy. . .
"Life is Grand!" announces the lead in this sketch, just before he gets pummeled in a series of wacky mishaps!

And we can't forget his show-stopping John Lennon impression. . .
. . which wouldn't be complete without a Yoko:
Farewell, Comedy Sketch Artist. . . Here's lookin' at you!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Of course, of course. . .

I found a pile of horseshit on the NeighborGoodies table today:

Five handsome postcards (and envelopes...which I guess means they technically aren't postcards. . .) depicting random horsies doing all sorts of things regular, active horses do...such as nuzzling by a stream. . .

. . .or running. . .

. . .or picking flowers. . .

I didn't catch the info on the back of these postcards, but clearly the woman who directed every late 80's douche commercial has found a new career taking pictures of Horses in Nature.

I also found this. . .thing.

At first, I thought this was a vacuum cleaner attachment, but there's no where for the hose to plug in. (hot!) Plus, the brush clearly is stored in the gray plastic item on the left. So obviously the only answer is that this is some sort of cheap horse grooming brush, likely left by the same horse-obsessed woman who left the postcards (with envelopes).

And finally, this piece of heaven:

A soft, crusty blanket with the following note:

I'm starting to wonder if someone in my building actually owned Eight Belles--the horse that perished over the weekend at the Kentucky Derby. There are some stables within walking distance of our Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, after all, and it seems awfully coincidental that these items would show up right after such a tragedy.

The poor gal... She probably walked up the hill to the stables to brush Ms. Belles every day. Perhaps she was my neighbor's only friend. In fact, she's likely the horse model featured in some of those photos. Photos of a happier, more innocent time when the horse and her friends could prance around...almost like ponies. And then BLAM! Tragedy strikes and your horse's remains are stuffed into a blanket that sheds all over the place. The memories are too difficult, so you leave what's left of your horse in the laundry room for a stranger to snuggle under. Happens every day.

God bless you, Eight Belles...we hardly knew ye. And too bad your blanket is itchy.

Monday, May 5, 2008

No Substitues

As the end of the school year begins to approach, someone here is cleaning out their classroom a little early.

I'm not exactly sure what this thing is, but it looks like the top part of a grade school desk, where kids store their pencils and pens for easy access. It may also be a part of a drafting table. Whatever the case, the rest of the piece of furniture is missing...but it is joined by the following items:

A couple of Rulers. . .
. . .an electric pencil sharpener. . .

. . .and this pencil holder. I'm only assuming this is a pencil holder, judging by what was surrounding it. It could also be a poorly designed drinking cup, I suppose.

Since it's clearly too soon for any real teacher to be ridding herself of these items, I started thinking that maybe these are the sad remnants of a Substitute Teacher.

The woman who lives across the hall from me has that Substitute Teacher vibe about her. She reminds me of my 7th Grade Substitute Teacher, Mrs. Whartenbie, who was brought in as a "Permanent Sub" when our nun took ill with some mysterious Catholic Disease. Like Mrs. W., my neighbor is not the kind of wooman who commands any sort of respect when she walks into a room full of children. No...when this short, mid-40's, semi-dumpy woman comes in with her messy over-the-top red hair, her messy over-the-top red makeup and her messy over-the-top outfits:

Yellow Pants!

. . .the kids smell blood and they pounce immediately...just like we did with Mrs. W.

OK, who am I kidding? I didn't do any of the actual tormenting. I was too busy being relieved that the kids had found someone else to abuse for a little while, leaving me and my nerdface alone. Unfortunately, the Permanent Subbery of Mrs. W. didn't last very long, as my classmates drove her away in tears within two weeks. She eventually ended up subbing only for third graders and below. Meh. Serves her right for giving me a B- on my English paper when I was the only one not actively trying to murder her.

Anyway, the woman across the hall has that same air about her. Single, desperately wanting to be liked, but constantly being giggled at and spitballed. I imagine the students may have finally gotten the best of her, so she has no use for any of the items she'd bring to her temporary desk each this planter. . . .

. . .or these coffee mugs:

In all likelihood, she'd have some sort of flower inside of the planter that she'd carry to each classroom in an effort to control some part of the space that could never be hers...something permanent to hold on to in her topsy-turvey world.

The coffee mugs were brought in and taken home each day as well..likely because by the end of the day, there was a host of lugies and other materials produced by the grade school kids that no single woman should have to drink. But I don't feel too badly for child should have to see a middle aged woman in yellow pants.