By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Party's Over

Dear NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts...

It is with mixed emotions that I must announce the end of this blog as you and I know it. Senselessly cut down in its prime, Neighborgoodies initially started off as a simple writing exercise, but quickly evolved into a frightening, fact-based look at life in the Hollywood Hills, and its impact will no doubt be felt for generations to come.

So why stop now?

Easy: I got tired of waiting to perish at the hands of one of the many murderers who lived in luxury with me, so I moved. I moved away from the nightmare apartment manager and her yippy dogs; I moved away from the dozens of loud sociopaths that constituted the "tenants" of the building; And, unfortunately, I moved away from the endless piles of Awesome on the Big, Blue table.

But this isn't the end--it's the beginning!

The beginning of what? Well, who the hell knows. I'm embarking on what is sure to be one of the most hellish summers in existence. But after that, I'm sure something will start to happen at some point. And then we'll be at the beginning of whatever that things is. Circle of life, people. Circle of life.

Anyway, until that happens, let's celebrate the legacy that NeighborGoodies leaves behind with this handy-dandy video:

If you still can't get enough, feel free to have a look at some of your top ten favorite NeighborGoodies Posts (as chosen by me) right here:

As I said, one of the reasons I started this blog was to challenge myself to write a story based on whatever accursed objects showed up. This hamster cage spawned a tale of celebrity, fame and death. Not bad for something made of plastic and filled with wood chips.

Canister after canister of shoulder-pads--an amazing find that proved the 80's never really died, they were just placed on the NeighborGoodies Table.

This was one of the first "homemade" Goodies I found... and to this day, I'm pissed at myself for not taking it.

A collection of purses takes us on a journey through a young woman's life. Hilarity, or something like it, ensues.

Inside of a box marked "Plays," I found the key to keeping life full of spice.

The gayest pile of records you'll ever see.

Fear is a terrible, irrational thing. And so is this post.

For all the discussion of murderers everywhere on this blog--this was the first time an actual killer was placed on the NeighborGoodies Table. And while it scared the living hell out of me, the thing that surprised me the most was how long it took for a Manson to show up.

By far, the most bone chilling of all the NeighborGoodies. This thing is just...beyond wrong.

What can I say about this unassuming pile of boobness, other than it is probably the most expensive NeighborGoodie to ever make its way down to the Big Blue Table. And therefore, the most infuriating.

Did I leave YOUR favorite off the list? Feel free to leave a comment here with your most cherished NeighborGoodies memories.

Thanks for reading my ramblings lo these many moons... and I look forward to entertaining you via some other form and some point someday.

Until then, you can get your fill of people's unwanted nonsense at places like Found Magazine, Yard Sale Bloodbath, and Significant Objects.

And stay tuned--perhaps NeighborGoodies will live on in another form beginning this fall....

Or perhaps it won't. Good Day!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

International Week!

It's International Week™ at NeighborGoodies! What makes it International™?

Well, it was St. Patrick's Day yesterday, and that's Irish. And today, there's a bunch of Mexican stuff on the Big Blue Table. How much more International can we be?

Clearly, one of the people Living in Luxury here in the Hollywood Hills considers themselves a world traveler, just because they popped down to Tijuana for the weekend.

Behold these two sets of Authentic Mexican Maracas...
...along with, for some reason, a bunch of thread. INTERNATIONAL THREAD, I BET!

I'm no Sewing Artist, but I bet someone with some talent could make a sexy little dress out of that thread. An international dress, perhaps:

The Mexican Salsa-Diva NeighborGooder also may have created these items, as they reek of international homemade nonsense:

I have no idea what this pink hat thing is supposed to be...

..but the item next to it is, undoubtedly...

...a taco. Made of fabric. With yellow felt cheese, tomatoes...even a scallion! All wrapped neatly inside a black (possibly tweed) shell.

Now I'm no cook, but even I know you can't eat a taco made out of felt. It's likely this could have started off as a real International Taco, was taken across the border as a leftover, and now, heaven-only-knows how many months later, some sort of rot-related molecular-shift occurred. (They don't use preservatives like we do here in The States... perhaps they should start.)

Of course, it's also entirely likely that this NeighborGooder never left Los Angeles, and picked up all of these things at a terrible "Tex-Mex" chain restaurant:

And if that's the case, well... this wasn't a very International™ post at all.

Umm... waitress?

Check, por favor.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Orange You In Love?

I think we all know how exciting it is to find a box of something on the NeighborGoodies Table. Why, they're could be anything inside...

...well, anything except an actual fresh and juicy orange, that is. As I gazed upon this tin of citrus amazement, I couldn't help but wonder what it contained...

and whether it would, indeed, eat the fruit of the orchard. Could this thing contain some sort of blight designed to wipe out the citrus crop? I was terrified to open it--I certainly wouldn't want to cause a nationwide bout of scurvy by unleashing whatever orchard-eating organism could be inside! Is this a true-life Pandora's Box right here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills?

I briefly considered just leaving it be, but then common sense took over and I opened it to discover...

...a sack of Valentine's Day Sweethearts. Valentine's Day has a track record of being pretty bleak here in the land of NeighborGoodies. And based on the rest of the items surrounding these Message Hearts, I'm going to go ahead and assume that this VD was no different--it just took longer for the evidence to appear. Imagine if you will a romantic dinner:

Girl makes delicious dinner for Boy.
Boy brings an assortment of gifts for Girl. Many of which involve flowers and candy. One of which involves this item to rest whatever dessert Girl has made:

"Girls Love To Feel Special," is the inscription here, but the implied message reads "...when they are allowed to serve their man dessert."

Now I love cake as much as the next guy, but giving your lady this cake server for Valentine's Day is just asking for trouble.... and for a night on the sofa with only a burlap sack for warmth:

Personally... I'd rather have scurvy.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Round, Round Robins

A few weeks ago, a million billion records showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:

Now, as we all know, vinyl is dead (much like those records' original gay owner, I suspect) but one person managed to breathe new life into some of these musty old musicals.


As the longtime reader(s) of this blog know, there's an Artsy Neighbor in the building who sometimes takes pieces from the NegihborGoodies table to make his own creations.

Apparently, he decided to share his art this time, taking the records from a few weeks ago and turning them into some sort of tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedrin:

I'm not really sure what possessed him to paint over the Gayest LP's in the Universe...

...but one thing's for sure: The B-side to this Mary Poppins soundtrack is... For The Birds!

GET IT? Cuz he painted BIRDS on it!

ahem... oksorry.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Go Team Go!

Before I begin ranting about today's items, I want to give a big shout-out to Jenny over at Yard Sale Bloodbath. Jenny shares my passion for other people's used nonsense and she's always been a big supporter of NeighborGoodies. In fact, she was our first major plug a while back (check it out here.) Well, last week, Jenny did it again, this time alerting the media to the Most Alarming NeighborGoodie Ever. A reporter from Seattle's own The Stranger picked up the story for the Slog, causing a million billion people from the Seattle area to pop over to our little corner of the internet.

So... hello to our new Pacific Northwest friends, and thanks Jenny! And thanks also to Blog Will Eat Itself, a new "occasional blog blogging obscure blogs," which featured NeighborGoodies last week as well:

Of course, they also chose to prominently feature that terrifying Baby Gl*ry H*le in all its... well, "gl*ry." But we love the love, so thanks!

These exciting developments prove that with Teamwork, we can Achieve the Extraordinary! Or, at least, that's what this lovely out-of-date calendar would have you believe:

This 2009 planner was, for some reason, given to someone in the building by their dentist. Because nothing says Teamwork quite like a fluoride treatment. Remember: It Takes Two to Rinse™.

This is one of those things that winds up on the Table for no good reason. Who the hell wants a planner that's a year old? The person who had this has a trash can in their apartment: Use it. Do they think someone, somewhere in the building is just camping out in the laundry room thinking, "Why spend money on a planner? One will turn up. The year doesn't matter; the months all have the same number of days in them! It's not a leap year, so fuck it!"

It's about as likely as someone thinking, "I need a dentist. If only one's name and number would appear on some trash in the Laundry Room, I could finally get this root canal and stop living my life in blinding pain! OH LOOK! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!! Optimum Dentistry, Here I Come!"

No. None of this is happening. Throw. It. Away. IN THE TRASH. Before I knock the rest of your teeth out, idiot.

Go Team!


Oh... sorry. Didn't mean to lash out there. Anyway, the Teamwork planner was on the Table inside of this bag...

...along with what the 99-cent store refers to as "Art."

"Framed Art," to be exact.

Some of the Framed Art is generic enough...

...and some of it is, well...this:

... and the rest of it? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because the rest of it is truly Life Enhancing.

I don't know about you, but I very often find myself looking toward the Marvel Universe in order to find ways to achieve greatness within my own life.

For example, I had a fear of commitment until I saw this:

It reads "Commitment: To fight when others fold, pursue while others retreat, conquer while others quit, and make right when all else is wrong." Thanks, Fantastic Four, for making me not fear commitment any longer. Especially you, Chris Evans. Especially you.

Ahem. Anyway, if the Fantastic Four aren't quite your style, Spidey has the same message for you:

So if webbing doesn't frighten you, this Framed Art would be perfect for your home or office.

The good folks at Marvel noted that were armed with a vast library of characters and an unending stream of cheesy sayings, s0 the Possibilities of more Motivational Posters were endless:


But as Spidey was told in his first movie... With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, so you don't want to saturate the market, or else these things might wind up in dollar stores across the nation...

...before being thrown out in a passive-aggressive way.

All of these things have inspired me to create my own motivational art... for you:

Well... I'm sure as hell motivated. Aren't you?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Gurl, Put Your Records On...The Table.

Today, a gigantic pile of records--over fifty of them--are hanging out on the Big, Blue Table.

I, for one, love a good vinyl; It's kind of like listening to your MP3s in black and white. Of course, I don't have a record player anymore, mainly because it's 2010 and mine broke sometime before NBC became the never-ending tire-fire of network television.

But enough about that, let's talk about these gay records.

No, I'm not quoting an eighth grader; I mean these records are actually gay...

...Like, super-gay.

If they could, these records would go to a rave, dance with their shirts off and then go and pose for the No H8 Campaign:

Note: Please click on the above record for maximum hilarity.

It's as if whoever owned these records went to the Gay Store, asked for the Gay Store's "Stereotypical Stereophonic" section and fully cleaned the Gay Store out of their Gay Stock of lavish Broadway musical soundtracks...

...and any other gay icons he could get his hands on. He no doubt began with the Village People...

...LOTS of Village People, in fact...

...before moving on to even gayer icons such as Judy Garland...

...Barbra Streisand...
...and Burl Ives:
Oh, you may think Burl Ives isn't a gay icon, but you'd be wrong. First of all, you know those hats on that album cover are fabulous. And secondly, here's photographic proof of Gay Icon Rock Hudson...
Image found over at Queer Music Heritage

...with a Burl Ives record on his floor.

Now, I'm not saying the records left on the Big, Blue Table were Rock Hudson's...

...but I'm not saying they weren't, either.

So why would someone get rid of what may or may not be Sexy Star Rock Hudson's Big Gay Record Collection?

One word: HomoShame.

I have it. And clearly a Neighbor of mine does as well. Finally, something in common with these rubes.