By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Don't Play with your Food

I'm not ashamed to admit that I get really excited by giant boxes on the NeighborGoodies Table... it should come as no surprise that a box marked "Plays" made me positively giddy. I was hoping for some unproduced, unwanted manuscripts that were thinly veiled versions of someone's Luxurious Life in the Hollywood Hills. The box is pretty big, so I thought there would be plenty of material for weeks to come. I was even going to stage YouTube performances with the just-now-invented NeighborGoodies Players.

But alas, when I peered inside the box of Plays, I was sorely disappointed to find...

...a set of Salt & Pepper shakers with matching napkin holder featuring a mother hen and baby chicks.


I think I speak for everyone when I say "Yo, this ain't even a play!"

The characters on these monstrosities have no depth......the giant flowered sets don't work at all...

....and furthermore, the flowers are being eaten by a giant ladybug who is completely miscast:
These salt & pepper shakers are not only hideous, but they are the basis for the worst play ever!!

Watch This!

A NeighborGoodies Play!

Starring Salt:


And a Special Surprise Guest!


"Yo, Pepper! Come over here and check this out!!"

"What is it, Salt?"

"I want to introduce you to my friend!"

"Where? I don't see nobody!"

"Hey! Spinderella, cut it up one time!"

(Spinderella enters from stage right, begins to cut it up one time.)

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)

Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep?

I doubt it.

All right then, come on, Spin!

Ladies! All the ladies! Louder now! Help me out!
Come on, all the ladies!
Let's talk about sex!

Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio!

And why not? Everybody has sex!

I mean, everybody should be makin' love!

Come on, how many guys do you know make love??

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)


As you can see, although it may be kinda catchy, the play is pretty much a mess. Poorly acted, badly written and worst of all, there's no real plot.

Or maybe I just don't understand the theater.


Ludovica said...

OK well, an ugly cruet singing lame late 80s pop-rap is a bold concept and you almost had me on your side, were it not for the fact that taking about sex isn't that easy for those of us who have almost totally forgotten what it is..
Allee Willis would adore these.
and you should know by now that the bigger the box , the more disappointing the contents..... hence why little kids always like the box better than the toy

Zak said...

NeighborGoodies Players.


The end.

Kmkibble75 said...

You need help.

Troy said...

Only you have enough dedication to craft to tap out the entire lyrics.

Hats off.

E-Rock Obama said...

Ludo, girrrrrrl you crazy!!

Rachel said...

Um, Jeff, don't you have a REALLY good friend with a Salt-n-Pepper shaker collection who might need to add this to her collection????????????????

I can't believe that you didn't think of me!!