By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Here Come the NeighborGoodies... Again!

As California continues to keep the gays from getting married, I can't help but wonder if they're doing us a favor! After all, "Opposite Marriages" fall apart every day, as evidenced in today's pile of NeighborGoodies! So perhaps this slim majority isn't trying to take a stand against our civil rights--but instead are just trying to protect us from the horrors of wedlock!

Sure, marriages start off great--full of love and rings...
...but before long, groom after groom is disappointed when he learns all the secrets to his blushing bride's beauty, starting with the first time he wakes up and sees her wandering the house in these:

I didn't think it was possible, but this woman somehow has more hair clips than Bug's Bunny's nemesis, Witch Hazel:
Of course, the ladies aren't exactly winning any prizes either... especially on their first anniversary when their men come home with gifts like these...
...saying things like, "Well, you seem to like ironing so much, I just thought..." Of course, he never gets to finish his statement, as he's likely cut off by the sound of the slamming door.

Opposite marriage isn't all bad, though. After a big fight like that, couples will often have a romantic night together full of apologies, wine and chocolate and, of course, before long, they're starting a family:

And lord knows, the gays don't want a house full of children running around coloring their wedding presents with White-Out:

In fact, after reviewing the evidence, I move to invalidate all marriages, both opposite and same! Marriage just seems like a terrible idea!

Gee... if only there was some sort of television program that could make me believe in marriage again. Perhaps a cute, fun reality show--one that isn't full of backstabbery or grossness. One that won't make me feel dirty after I watch. One that shows the lighter side of love with insanely adorable challenges that test and celebrate the strength of a couple's marriage...

*Sigh* If only...

Oh wait! I forgot!!! There totally IS a show like that!!

Hooray! I believe in love again! And you will, too, after watching tonight's AMAZING Episode of Here Come the Newlyweds at 10/9 central on ABC!! It's the second episode of the season, but don't fret if you missed the first one, as there's a handy-dandy little recap for you at the start! Or, of course, you could watch the first hour free online!

Early buzz suggests that tonight's episode might actually change television in a profound and dramatic way... and I'm certainly not saying that because my editor and I worked tirelessly on it. Trust me: I'm saying it because you deserve to watch A Quality Television™ show that features Ass Grabbing, Dr. Ruth and people screaming at Comically Large Bugs:

Believe me when I tell you that ALL of your co-workers will be talking about how this show reinvigorated their marriages, changed their lives, and reminded them to call their exterminators. And you don't want to be the left-out jerk, do you?

Didn't think so. Happy viewing!

And don't forget: NeighborGoodies is on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace as well!


InALittleMinute said...

Hilarious Post- thanks for the morning giggle

Ludovica said...

I hesitate to pronounce upon marriage here, given my jaded view, but what is going on with that ugly ring? Any guy who gave me that would be so dumped. Not sure why anyone wants to be *actually married* Yes sure get all your assets tied up so you never get ripped off for sure, but actually married?.. Meh BTDTGTTS and the scars to prove it

Trevor said...

Now this plug is much smoother!