By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


For anyone who is late getting into Potter-mania, here's a hardcover copy of the second Harry Potter book: Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets. Thankfully, it's only very slightly damaged:

I'm not sure what in the hell happened to this book, but it looks to me like it took a lot of effort to get it into this shape. I, of course, have a number of theories on this. Perhaps someone rescued it from one of those book-burnings that the zany Religious Right loves to stage in protest of anyone reading anything creative.

Or it could have been a magical battle of epic proportions--probably not unlike the events that ultimately killed Harry's parents in the beginning of the series. I imagine some poor Muggle, minding his or her own business, living luxuriously in their spacious one- or two-bedroom apartment (located conveniently in the Hollywood Hills!) when some evil Slytherins found their way in and destroyed everyone and everything beyond recognition.

When the maintenance crew cleaned up, they found a baby clutching this book which, somehow, prevented the attack on him from being fatal. The book, of course, was scarred beyond repair.

Or maybe--just maybe--the former owner of this book dropped it in the toilet and let the dog chew on it for a while before leaving the filthy thing out for her neighbors. Maybe someone in the building is a Mudblood and can put it back together! Where's Hermione when you need her?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New Beginnings

It is, of course, pretty much impossible to tell who left these various items behind, but sometimes it's easy to see why these things have been abandoned.

I get the feeling that the guy who left the following collection of t-shirts maybe thinks it's time to start his life grow up and abandon his Frat party days:

This shirt probably fit him so that the barbed wire armband tattoo that is emblazoned across his bicep sticks out. Poor fucker. During his partying days, he likely shouted out things like "KEGGER!" and "Bro-ham" regularly while wearing this shirt.

Come to think of it, it's probably the douche bag who lives directly above me. He thinks it's cool to blast the Counting Crows at 3 in the morning, making my entire apartment shake. If an earthquake ever hits in the middle of the night, I'll probably just bang on the ceiling without waking up like I do three times a week anyway.

While throwing out these shirts is a good first step to reintegrating himself into society, nothing can take away the fact that he owned and wore these things, probably to the raucous cheers of his friends. Exhibit B:

Beer Pong Thursdays, where the prize is a $500 bar tab. Considering you can drink all night there for ten bucks, I'm guessing this dude had to be a serious alcoholic tool.

And, let's face it, probably still is.

Can you imagine a life where Beer Pong Thursdays is what you do? A few months ago, I went to see an awesome band from Ireland called Mike Got Spiked and when we got to the venue, we discovered, to our horror, that a Beer Pong Tournament happening. A thousand awful frat guys in backwards caps and t-shirts like the ones above were there, drunkenly tossing their balls into cups of water. Apparently, real Beer Pong proved too much for these folks to handle.

Anyway, the band was forced to play during the final rounds of this Beer Pong fiasco--with the tables of the final two teams set up right in front of the stage. As we tried to watch the band perform, my friends and I were constantly bombarded with wet balls. And no, it wasn't fun, thankyouverymuch.

Oh...apparently I've lost track of the point. Anyway, also on the laundry table today is this little slice of Oprah-inspired heaven:

From what I can tell, this shirt was homemade, the self portrait drawn by a woman with her silver sharpie after she used glue to spell out the word "DIVA" and sprinkle it with gold sparkles. The words "MY REBIRTH" appear at the top along with the following quote:

"Honey," she says, "Think of the buildings as mountains. Those peaks! Those vistas."

A quick search for this quote on Google shows no results. And, as we know, if it doesn't exist on Google, it doesn't exist period, so I'm dying to know what this phrase means. Unfortunately, I don't recognize the woman in the picture, so I'm afraid the mystery may never be solved.

The text may talk about mountains, vistas and divas, but the whole idea of this shirt screams "CULT" to me. It could also be the result of a Group Therapy exercise.. . .One in which the woman spent thousands of dollars over the course of many years and trying to have a fresh start as a whole new person. . .only to find she actually maybe liked her old self more.

Next to it was this framed postcard of "Women Combing Their Hair"

I took it out of the frame and found all of the pertinent info on the back:

The fact that these two groups of items were abandoned together makes me wonder if Frat Beer Pong Guy and Oprah Therapy Chick found each other and are currently living happily ever after.

Or maybe Frat Guy just kept a piece of every woman he ever slept with and finally decided to clean house.

God I hate that guy.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Office Space

The generosity from the residents of this building never ceases to amaze me. This weekend, apparently, someone cleaned out their home office, providing the basic building blocks to any small business ideas the neighbors might have, but perhaps didn't have the capital to make it a reality. This is the big break you've been waiting for!

You can't go wrong with this FREE Color Printer:

This Color StyleWriter 4500 was, according to this Wikipedia article, made in 1997. . .and discontinued in 1998. And judging by the level of dust and grime inside of this beast, that's probably the last time anyone has ever used this 4 color inkjet printer!

But the crustiness factor doesn't stop here. If you want to make sure you're infected with something, you should probably pick up this phone:

I'm not sure what the stain is on the bottom of the receiver. . .

. . .but I do know there is more of it inside:

Maybe this phone was used to dial 911 as someone was being stabbed in the face.

Or maybe someone just spilled some soda on it. . .either way, I touched it and will likely either end up in jail or in the hospital because of it.

In addition to a phone, a printer, no small business can run without light! And Lo, there was Light!

And, to back up all of your accounting and database information, you'll need this 2GB Jaz Drive for mac or PC!

Part of me was tempted to bring this baby home and see what sort of data exists on it...but then I lost interest. You should, too.

This decorative pillow, however, should re-pique your interest. (can interest be re-piqued?)

Set in Japan, this turquoise monstrosity is remarkably stain-and-tassle-free!

And every home-business needs a mascot!

This scary-ass doll comes with a stand that makes it hunch over horrifically:

Call me weird, but I sense a great deal of terror emanating from this doll. I'm almost as terrified of her as I was of Esmerelda from my Road Trip of 2005.

In fact, the hunched over angle of this doll matches that of this broken humidifier, also up for grabs in the laundry room:

I'm sure that this doll had something to do with the demise of this humidifier, as well as the demise of the home business that has liquidated its assets to the NeighborGoodie gods. I also have a theory that she's likely also the one who stabbed the 911 caller in the face.

Then she carried everything downstairs to lure some unsuspecting innocent soul into her cursed-antique antics, ala Friday The 13th The Series. She probably broke her spine while hauling the home office downstairs into the laundry room.

Good. The bitch deserves it.

And if Robey comes by, I'm not home. In other news, Robey has a myspace.

Ok, I gottago.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Emmy Award Winning TV Dinner

Let's face it....TV's been in a pretty sad state because of the Writers' strike. But today's treasure includes everything you'll need to host a TV Night/Dinner party, if there are ever any new shows.

First, you'll need a can opener to pry open the canned string beans or tuna that you will be serving your guests. You'll also need a knife and cutting board to slice the homemade bread you've quite possibly cooked.

Then, of course, you'll need some matching plates to serve your food and beverages !

If the fruit design isn't quite for you, you can always utilize this quieter pattern:

Or, barring that, you could use this unique laundry-room-table blue plate, for any specials you may be serving or watching:

Now it's time for the main course, and you'll need this wooden spoon and metal scooper to serve the casserole you've no doubt made for the occasion:

After dinner, it's time to clean up! Your guests will almost certainly want to take the leftovers home, so be sure to use this designer Rose-colored Reynolds Wrap!

...which, since you're the perfect hostess, matches your pants!! The crowd loves it!

You can't have a dinner party without generating some trash, so someone was kind enough to leave this lovely receptacle for you:

...which is already filled with what looks to be an incredible combination of laundry detergent (or cocaine) and hair!

Now it's time for dessert:

...this 2007 Dove Emmy gift-bag exclusive...which will immediately be picked clean!

Of course, no TV dinner would be complete without this amazing Zenith 19" TV to watch your favorite shows!

...with Remote!

If the writers' strike continues, and you start having TV Parties for reruns of, say, The Love Boat, might I suggest this beautiful lei that someone was gracious enough to leave as well:

Great! Now you're all set up for your dinner party! But if you're the person who picked up the spices from the last post, I might eat before I get there.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thyme's Square

Seriously, what the hell is this thing:

On my way out to the gym yesterday morning, I saw this beauty and, even though I was late, I felt the urge to run upstairs to grab my camera to take some photos of this beast.

Judging from the size of the finger paint streaks that mar the 24" by 18" canvas, I'd say it's some kid's school project--a 3-D replica of NY's Times Square.

I love that some of the skyscrapers are even labeled:
Look! It's Radio City Music Hall and the NASDAQ!

While I do enjoy it, I am struggling to understand the presence of this little hot dog that is glued in the middle of everything.

I have to respect that this kid chose to glue a tiny hot dog replica to his project in an attempt to add another layer of authenticity to it...although if the hot dog exists on the same plane as the buildings, then it is, apparently, just floating in midair in between the skyscrapers. I could live in a town with floating hot dogs!

There's even a teensy tiny little NYC Subway map haphazardly hanging off the canvas, possibly to indicate wind...or maybe litter. Either way, the kid is dead on.

I just love the attention to detail. Here, for example are the giant ads that are such an iconic part of the Times Square experience. Brought to you by JVC and Coke!


I searched for clues to find the artist's identity, but there is nothing. Nothing, that is, except perhaps my favorite feature of this piece of work: A tiny orange hand in the lower right hand corner. Here's a closer look:

I seriously don't even know what to do with this thing, other than wish I had taken it when I had the chance. It was long gone by the time I got home from work---some other lucky mofo in the building snatched it right up before I had a chance to claim it as my own.

Also included in today's find, conveniently enough for pun's sake, are 26 bottles of spices:

There's plenty for the taking...including two bottles of everyone's favorite:

Yeah, I'm twelve. So what? These, too, were snatched up when I returned home from work. I'm never going to dinner at anyone's apartment in this building out of fear that they'll be using the laundry spices.

Of course, if they're cooking tiny map hot dogs, I might reconsider. . .

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bed, Bath & Beyond

The other night when I came home, I saw a pile of clothes neatly folded on the Goodies table. I assumed they were someone's laundry, but then noticed the sign posted above them.

As my accomplice/roommate kept watch, I snapped photos of the free items which, upon first look, were a pretty decent take, like these warm looking flannel sheets. . .

. . .or these stylish 1980s style bedsheets. . .

But one has to wonder who in their right mind is picking up used sheets in a dirty laundry room? Especially when a closer look reveals the following piece of nastiness on the pillowcase:

Whoever was sleeping on this pillow clearly had a case of Jizzy-eye. Part of me wanted to see if the sheets also had matching stains, just for the home viewers...but my roommate talked me out of it. I'm concerned by the fact that many of the items placed on the table have random stains on them. I'm starting to wonder if the stains were there before, or if there is some mysterious Jizz Marauder who is just abusing the NeighborGoodies.

If that is the case, he clearly cleaned himself off with these towels...

...which were crunchy to the touch.

I also am confused by these tiny little washcloths...
...which, I think, are probably for babies. But I gotta say...if someone takes these for their children, they really ought to be ashamed of themselves--especially since they are raising their kids in this building.