By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Cool As Ice

Today we have one of those NeighborGoodies that just baffles me.

Ok, so maybe they all baffle me. I think we can all agree that most of the items we find on the Big, Blue Table are pretty useless. No one really wants these items, but they are deposited on the table in the hopes that maybe they'll make someone else's life a little better. They aren't thrown away because the NeighborGooders think, "Somebody could theoretically want this. I wanted it at some point, I guess. So maybe somebody else will enjoy it!" I can at least pretend to understand that thought process.

But then there are the items that never should have made it to the Laundry Room in the first place.

Items such as Van Gogh Calendars...

...from 2008. I can't fathom its appearance on the Table. Instead of putting this in the trash on January 1, 2009, this person opted to hang on to this for two solid months before deciding, "Hmm... somebody might want this. After all, it is art!"

To this person, I say: "F YOU."

What kind of person would put this down on the NeighborGoodies Table?

I'll tell you exactly what kind: A Murderer.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "Oh God... Here we go on Yet Another Murderer Rant." I know you all think I'm insane because I believe everyone in the building is a murderer. But I'd like to clarify that I really only think at most there are only two or three killers in the building. Four max.

I'm sure you're wondering what makes me think that someone who'd leave a useless calendar would be a killer. Well, actually, it's what's with the calendar that really freaks me out...

Styrofoam ice chests, clearly used for body disposal.

Point for me.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Now You See It...

Sometimes, when I see something on the NeighborGoodies Table that is especially dangerous, I can hear my mother (Screamin' Tina) yelling in the back of my mind: "WHAT THE CHRIST IS THAT! DON'T TOUCH IT!" If Tina taught my siblings and I one thing, it's to be suspicious and frightened of all things and people and places all the time forever and ever in perpetuity.

Despite all this, I'd like to think that I somehow managed to become a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, a lot of what I do on this blog might seem like unwarranted paranoia, but really it's just me trying to warn my beloved readers about the dangers of consuming things found on the Neighborgoodies Table, or of hanging out with the potential murderers that are the NeighborGooders themselves. These are merely reminders of the basic fundamentals all people should know: Don't take candy from strangers, and certainly don't go anywhere with them if you can help it.

I have one more thing to add to this list: Don't stick strange things in your eye--especially when it's been discarded in a Luxurious Hollywood Hills Laundry Room, such as this contact lens solution:



Oh... sorry. Where was I? Oh yes--I was complaining about the contact lens solution that has likely been replaced with acid by some ne'er-do-well in the building. Like Tina says: "DON'T EVEN TRY IT, OR YOU'LL GO BLIND!"

Then you'll be forced to use this item. And no one wants that.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Timely Travelers

Remember the year 2000? To me, it represented "The Future." I had big plans for The Future. We were going to have flying cars and jet packs! We were going to meet up with some aliens, and hang out on some new planets. And, best of all, we were going to have transporters, making our brand new, just-invented flying cars and jet packs obsolete!

OK, so maybe my plan wasn't very well thought out, but as a child of the 80's, that's what everyone was thinking.

Of course, as the Year 2000 got closer and closer and society in general realized that maybe that stuff wasn't going to happen, new predictions started to arise--mostly centering on the end of technology and, thus, the world. At the start of The Year 2000, the computers that ran our lives were going to explode, plunging us back into the dark ages. Phone systems were supposed to go down. And, of course, we'd all perish.

Those were the days.

Of course, 2000 seemed so far off for so long, and now, it's but a distant memory. But, thanks to the Power of NeighborGoodies, you can revisit those simpler, more irrational times by taking a trip to St. Tropez... Y2K style!!

This St. Tropez 2000 Plan Guide would have been a great gift ten years ago, but is probably a bit obsolete by now. But what a wonderful way to relive the year 2000 by taking a trip there using this guide! And, if I know my geography (and I think I do) you'll need a car to drive to St. Tropez, Y2k. But not just any car will do. You'll need one from that very special Turn-of-the-Millenium era. Perhaps, say, a Toyota Corolla from the year 2000...
...from Keyes Toyotaland!

Other than time travelers, who exactly, is this owner's manual going to help? No one wants this. If you have a 2000 Corolla, chances are you have the owner's manual. And if you don't, it's because you bought it from this asshead who took it out of his car and never put it back. Why? Why would he do that? Was he taking it home to study? Was it some light bathroom reading? And when he was done, was he just so impressed by the twists and turns of the plot that he felt the need to keep it out on the coffee table, proudly on display next to his candy dish and remote controls rather than return it to the glove box? I don't understand. It's not like it's a flying car.

In conclusion, fuck the year 2000. I want my transporter. And a jet pack to throw away.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Come Sail Away

It's been cold and rainy here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills for most of the past week. People in LA don't deal very well with any sort of non-sun weather. You can see it in their eyes--it's as if their minds shut down without the sun recharging them every morning. And it is during these times that predators try to take advantage, pouncing as soon as they get the chance.

For example, let's look at this pamphlet for what seems to be a fun, harmless activity that is clearly a front... for murder!

Kind readers, I present to you the appropriately titled Lure...
... Of The Sea. This professionally-printed-in-color-and-folded-in-half brochure, complete with Clipart™ brand sailboat on the cover, was compiled by the MSSC (The Marina Sunday Sailing Company) and contains all the information you'll need to convince you to go on sailing... on a Sunday.

The very first statement in this literature proclaims that the Marina Sunday Sailing Club is "the oldest sailing club in Marina Del Ray," which is interesting since nothing comes up when you Google it. And, as I've said before, anything that is UnGoogleable just has to be dangerous.

The rest of this flier reads as though it was crafted by a hypnotist:

"Imagine the wind against your cheek and the sound of waves slapping against the hull of your sturdy boat. You are at one with nature... The stresses of life are gone for now and you relax under the warm California sun for a tranquil day... "

The text is clearly designed to lull its reader into a state of calmness, tranquility... and mind control, allowing the captain of this boat to do with you as he pleases. Once your mind is at ease, the back of the brochure goes in for The Kill, in big giant red letters:

Ha! The "LURE" of the sea, indeed.

Luckily for you, my mind operates on a much higher plane, and I can see through such propaganda. Please, allow me to translate what this writer is really trying to say:

"Imagine getting into a boat with one of the nut-job NeighborGooders. Imagine a knife against your cheek and the sound of your skull slamming against the hull of the sturdy boat. You will be at one with nature when your carcass is dumped into the ocean and picked apart by passing seagulls... The stresses of your life--along with your actual life--are gone as you rot beneath the warm California sun on an otherwise tranquil day... JOIN US!"

As your travel agent, I'd advise against this trip.

Just another piece of Life-Saving advice from your friends here at NeighborGoodies!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Forbidden Love

Over the weekend, love & romance filled the hearts of many people around the world for Valentine's Day. It was a time to cuddle with a loved one, have a romantic dinner, nibble on some chocolates perhaps... and most of all, to lose yourself within the undying love of your partner.

Except for those of us who are still alone. We got F'd. Again.

One NeighborGooder who has clearly been getting F'd over and over again on Valentine's Day, has finally decided to rid herself of the terrible gifts she's gotten over the years on this hopelessly idiotic holiday:

Although candles can be romantic in the proper context, the "Forbidden Fruit" candle-in-a-jar is really not the route to go when buying fire for your partner. Despite the label urging you to "Light a candle, create your own moments... often," the moments created by the stench of the Forbidden Fruit are often accompanied by dizziness, nausea and vomiting.

Or perhaps those are just side effects of this woman being roofied by her Valentine.

This woman was also presented with some fancy perfume to help spice things up:

The bottle looks cool, but no matter what I did to it, the genie wouldn't come out. Useless.

Also useless:
This pair of pink square earrings with some sort of... something drawn on them is really just the worst gift anyone could get on Valentine's Day; even if they were given in the 1980's when these things were somehow real items.

I really can't tell what the design is supposed to be. Are they birds? Some sort of music notes? Bagpipes? It's impossible to discern, mostly because I took a pretty crappy job of photographing these items. I was in a rush as I heard voices coming towards the Laundry Room, and I certainly don't want to be caught taking pictures of things on the Big Blue Table.

What would the neighbors think? I'm the one judging them, it can't be the other way around. It's unnatural.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Tables Have Turned

Well, it was just a matter of time. When I started this blog 13 months ago, I vowed never to mess with the natural order of the NeighborGoodies. But in the last few weeks, I've not only taken one object, but TWO as giveaways for the first-ever NeighborGoodies Contest. And so, to help offset the damage I've done to the fragile eco-system of the Big Blue Table, I've donated a piece of my own. A whole new coffee table:

And by "new," of course, I mean "30 years old." When I moved to the Luxurious Hollywood Hills from the East Coast, I brought a lot of furniture with me, including this piece which originally belonged my grandmother. Recently, I've been upgrading the living room to be Even More Luxurious and, as lovely as this unstable wood and faux-marble beauty is... it just didn't fit anymore.

In keeping with the general theme of the items usually placed downstairs, I made sure to leave as many crumbs and mug stains on the object as possible, even adding more to it once it was placed atop the NeighborGoodies table.

This, of course, resulted in the table being taken away within 25 minutes... Mainly because it's clearly the Best NeighborGoodie Ever. Or maybe because someone needed kindling. It could also be broken apart and used to attack any vampires you might encounter. Whatever its new use is, it sure as hell can't be as a coffee table, as it will likely collapse under the weight of even the thinnest of magazines.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Flame Retardants

These are possibly the three ugliest Candle-related items you're ever going to come across in one sitting. I'm not sure if I can stress enough just how hideous these things are, so be warned.

First, there's this blue plastic star...
...which, I imagine, used to be a cookie tray, but somehow became the household wax drip dish. What caused the demotion is anyone's guess. (And no, this isn't another contest, so cram it.) Let me give you a closer look at this wax-covered item without the flash washing it out:
Well... at least I hope that's candle wax. The next item that should be on fire rather than just displaying it is this... thing:
This wrought-iron nightmare might be one of the most frightening NeighborGoodies to date:

It looks as though it's been taken directly from the altar after a satanic sacrifice, possibly while it was still in progress. If there was ever a cursed NeighborGoodie, it's this one.

And finally, there are these items, which are just simply the ugliest things that ever happened to life:

These items are so hideous, they almost make me want to set myself on fire. But only almost. While normally I would commit to such actions as a demonstration against the flagrant hideousness of these candle holders, something changed me over the weekend. I had the misfortune to be used as a human ash tray by a drunken British sociopath who decided to stub his wife's cigarette out on my hand (apparently, she's not supposed to smoke. And, apparently, it was my fault because I was near her as she puffed away.) I don't mind telling you it hurt like hell. And no, I didn't beat the shit out of the psychopath because we were at a wedding, and it was neither the time nor place. (Not that it was the time or place to press a lit cigarette into my flesh, but some of us are more rational than others, I suppose.)

So, just this one time, I'll let the ugliness of these objects (and of humanity in general) speak for themselves without any sort of hippie-like protest about it.

Actually, now that I'm staring at these candle holders, I kinda wish he had pressed the cigarette out in my eyes. Damn, they ugly.

Monday, February 9, 2009

If The Whore-Clothes Fit...

After a solid week of guesses, I am proud to announce that the First NeighborGoodies Contest is officially over, and now we can all move on with our lives. Find out who won after I tell you about these NeighborGoodies!

Over the weekend, a Whore NeighborGooder dropped off a bunch of her clothes, many of them plaid...
...or otherwise hideous:
From those piles, you can't really tell that she's a whore. But trust me, she is. Look at this under-sized Coca Cola T-shirt depicting Atlanta:

There's also this tiny tee...
...telling us she feels she is a TKO: Total Knock Out. And then there are these teeensy weensy itty bitty shorts....

...which are clearly designed to expose the wearer's hoo-ha.

I know, I know... I can hear you all saying, "These tiny articles of clothing alone do not make her a whore!" Maybe not. But this does:

A stripper shirt from the Sapphire Gentlemen's Club--the Largest Strip Club IN THE WORLD--located, of course, in Las Vegas. The LA Times describes it as "71,000 Square Feet of Nakedity," and tells of glass-bottomed floors that the "gentlemen" can stand beneath in order to see the girls dance above them. I hope for their sake that none of the dancers are wearing these panties:

...which, for some reason, are emblazoned with a Felix the Cat logo at the waistband.

This outfit seems like a terrible combination. Granted, I'm not exactly the target audience for female strippers, but this just cannot be sexy to anyone:

Can it?

The grossness factor is brought home by the fact that the NeighborGoodies Table has never looked so filthy. I shudder to think about how much vagina, ass and desperate man-juice is covering these items. You don't even need a blacklight to detect the nastiness here. Click on any of the photos above for a full-sized view of the stainery on the Big Blue Table.

Luckily,the prize in the Get the Goodie competition was taken off the table before any of these soiled garments showed up.

Now...let's finish up this effing contest once and for all!

First of all, thanks for making the first NeighborGoodies contest a success! While no one really got the item right... one person did come close enough to guessing what was inside of this box:

That person, known only as "Brian" from Allston, Massachusettes... wherever the hell that is.... guessed a "Sprite™ Radio." And, although I was quite clear in stating that the item was not Lymon-related, he did manage to guess the item itself correctly, even if the brand was off.

NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts, behold the item that is inside the Lemon/Lime box:











A Garnier Fructis mini-radio that was FREE with the purchase of some of their Fortifying Shampoo!

Kind of a let-down, isn't it?

Anyway, congratulations Brian! You can expect to enjoy your lime green radio (for dry or damaged hair) along with your 98˚ autographed CD cover very soon!

Just be glad you're not getting Felix the Cat underwear.

Thanks to everyone who played! And remember, you didn't lose this contest... you just won less™.

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Hardest Thing

Before I get to the contest update (there is still no winner), let me just tell you how excited I am by the NeighborGoodie I found just a few minutes ago while doing laundry. Pop Culture NeighborGoodies are always some of my favorites and I don't think I'm exaggerating here when I say this may be one of The Greatest NeighborGoodies of All Time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a copy of 98 Degrees' Hit CD 98˚ and Rising...

...Autographed by the four boys themselves, Nick, Drew, Justin & Jeff!

I should tell you here that while the cover is indeed autographed, I make no assertions whatsoever as to their authenticity. I'm not sure who would take the time to forge Jeff, Justin, Drew & Nick's signatures on a 98 Degrees CD, but I'm just putting it out there.

I should also tell you that the CD itself is not included:

This, of course, means that someone took the CD out of its autographed case, kept it, and chose to purposefully discard the signed cover with little-to-no regard for its cash or nostalgic value. I can only assume this was done out of malice. Perhaps someone is a big fan of Jessica Simpson and decided to purge any Nick Lachey memorabilia laying around her Luxurious Apartment in the Hollywood Hills. Or perhaps someone just doesn't have a warm place in their heart for boy bands in particular or pop culture in general

Maybe I'm taking this NeighborGoodie a little too personally. While I was never a big 98 Degrees fan, I have had the pleasure of working with Nick Lachey on a couple of TV Shows (some hits, others not-so-much-but-still-good-anyway-no-matter-what-you-say) and I'm not afraid to admit that I might have a little crush on him. He's just so... nice. And hot. There, I said it. Happy now?

Anyway, I obviously couldn't just leave an item of this caliber on the table. I couldn't do it. I knew it would be trashed any second as the cleaning crew (aka: The NeighborGoodies Quality Assurance Team) had already begun their morning rounds.

And so, as an EXTRA ADDED BONUS....whoever wins The Guess the Goodie prize will also recieve this 98 degrees autograph!!!!!!

Can you stand it???

Now: On to the contest!

It's been five days and no one has been able to guess what's inside of this box yet:

Only one person has come semi-close, and even they are way off.

Here are the Wrong Guesses So Far, in order of Wrongness:

People or Animals (Tiny, Rabid, or otherwise.)

Office Supplies of Any Sort (Includes, but is not limited to, stationery, stickers, pencils, etc.)

Lymon Anything (Such as Salt & Pepper Shakers, People, and, for some reason, tampons.)

Tiny Obama Victory Plates

Clothing (Rubber Gloves, Bedazzled Socks and other assorted wearables, both mentionable and not.)

Board Games.

Audio Cassettes.

In Wednesday's post, I gave a hint stating that, despite its Lymon Decorations, you were not to Eat or Taste the item, nor is it meant to be sniffed due to a lemon-lime scent. Which leaves you with three senses to use: Obviously, you can touch the item, since it's in three dimensions. You can also see the item, which you've already done here on this blog.

That leaves you with one more sense. (And no, it clearly is not common sense.)

I'll give you one more hint: You almost certainly have an item like this inside of your home and/or car. This might be a smaller version of the one(s) you currently own, but you've definitely got at least one. In fact, you probably used your version of the item today.

And so, once again, comment here and take a guess... because if you can correctly Guess The Goodie... you'll Get the Goodie... Along with the autographed 98˚ Album Cover!

Because who doesn't want to receive a package full of other people's unwanted items?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Key Club

Well, there are still no winners yet for our first-ever GET THE GOODIE contest! But more on that in a moment...

First up, we've got a brand new NeighborGoodie:

This license plate frame says "KCI ROCKS!" and identifies the driver as a member of the Key Club. This annoyed the crap out of me because I recently became a member of the angry-people-with-no-keys club. It's a different club altogether, but it still angered me. (Read all about that over at All Bitched Up if you must. But be warned, it's profanity-laden and dripping with ire.)

At first, I thought perhaps KCI Stood for Kandy Cane Isdelicious:

But, alas, it is the Key Club International, which is a high school organization that is supposed to teach leadership of some sort or something. More importantly, you'll recognize that Candy Cane from its appearance the other day next to the Goodie you're supposed to be Guessing in the first-ever NeighborGoodies Contest!

We've had lots of great guesses over the past few days, but no one has even come close to figuring out what is inside of this Fruity Box.

And's your first hint: Although decorated with Lemons and Limes, the item contained within the box is not edible or scented in any way. Which means, although you technically could do both, this object is not meant to be tasted or sniffed. You'll have to use your other senses. You've got three more of them.

I feel this should go without saying, but this object also is not meant to be placed into your hoo-ha, cannot be used to clean anything up... and, most importantly, is not "Tiny Lemon-Flavored People."

For those of you who have already guessed today before the hint--go ahead and take another crack at it. To give everyone a fair chance, your one-guess-per-day will start again NOW. For the rest of you, get to guessing! Leave your best theories in the comments section of this post and if you can correctly identify what's in the box, you'll win this Mystery Goodie, and, more importantly, you'll earn bragging rights as being the first person ever to win a NeighborGoodies Contest!