By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Flame Retardants

These are possibly the three ugliest Candle-related items you're ever going to come across in one sitting. I'm not sure if I can stress enough just how hideous these things are, so be warned.

First, there's this blue plastic star...
...which, I imagine, used to be a cookie tray, but somehow became the household wax drip dish. What caused the demotion is anyone's guess. (And no, this isn't another contest, so cram it.) Let me give you a closer look at this wax-covered item without the flash washing it out:
Well... at least I hope that's candle wax. The next item that should be on fire rather than just displaying it is this... thing:
This wrought-iron nightmare might be one of the most frightening NeighborGoodies to date:

It looks as though it's been taken directly from the altar after a satanic sacrifice, possibly while it was still in progress. If there was ever a cursed NeighborGoodie, it's this one.

And finally, there are these items, which are just simply the ugliest things that ever happened to life:

These items are so hideous, they almost make me want to set myself on fire. But only almost. While normally I would commit to such actions as a demonstration against the flagrant hideousness of these candle holders, something changed me over the weekend. I had the misfortune to be used as a human ash tray by a drunken British sociopath who decided to stub his wife's cigarette out on my hand (apparently, she's not supposed to smoke. And, apparently, it was my fault because I was near her as she puffed away.) I don't mind telling you it hurt like hell. And no, I didn't beat the shit out of the psychopath because we were at a wedding, and it was neither the time nor place. (Not that it was the time or place to press a lit cigarette into my flesh, but some of us are more rational than others, I suppose.)

So, just this one time, I'll let the ugliness of these objects (and of humanity in general) speak for themselves without any sort of hippie-like protest about it.

Actually, now that I'm staring at these candle holders, I kinda wish he had pressed the cigarette out in my eyes. Damn, they ugly.


Ludovica said...

Jeez! I hope that was an accident with the lighted cigarette! If not , I apologise most profusely on behalf of the subtarded mummins of a fellow-countryman that did this to you! What a jerk! As someone who had my arm used as an ashtray by half the local youth club when I was about 14 I know exactly how that feels.. :-(
I still have the 30 year old scars.
Plastic would not be my first choice for use with candles.. but hey What do I care, its not me living in the same building as these people....

Anonymous said...

just gross, like i said, those candle holders have a bad case of warts not roses.