By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Come Sail Away

It's been cold and rainy here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills for most of the past week. People in LA don't deal very well with any sort of non-sun weather. You can see it in their eyes--it's as if their minds shut down without the sun recharging them every morning. And it is during these times that predators try to take advantage, pouncing as soon as they get the chance.

For example, let's look at this pamphlet for what seems to be a fun, harmless activity that is clearly a front... for murder!

Kind readers, I present to you the appropriately titled Lure...
... Of The Sea. This professionally-printed-in-color-and-folded-in-half brochure, complete with Clipart™ brand sailboat on the cover, was compiled by the MSSC (The Marina Sunday Sailing Company) and contains all the information you'll need to convince you to go on sailing... on a Sunday.

The very first statement in this literature proclaims that the Marina Sunday Sailing Club is "the oldest sailing club in Marina Del Ray," which is interesting since nothing comes up when you Google it. And, as I've said before, anything that is UnGoogleable just has to be dangerous.

The rest of this flier reads as though it was crafted by a hypnotist:

"Imagine the wind against your cheek and the sound of waves slapping against the hull of your sturdy boat. You are at one with nature... The stresses of life are gone for now and you relax under the warm California sun for a tranquil day... "

The text is clearly designed to lull its reader into a state of calmness, tranquility... and mind control, allowing the captain of this boat to do with you as he pleases. Once your mind is at ease, the back of the brochure goes in for The Kill, in big giant red letters:

Ha! The "LURE" of the sea, indeed.

Luckily for you, my mind operates on a much higher plane, and I can see through such propaganda. Please, allow me to translate what this writer is really trying to say:

"Imagine getting into a boat with one of the nut-job NeighborGooders. Imagine a knife against your cheek and the sound of your skull slamming against the hull of the sturdy boat. You will be at one with nature when your carcass is dumped into the ocean and picked apart by passing seagulls... The stresses of your life--along with your actual life--are gone as you rot beneath the warm California sun on an otherwise tranquil day... JOIN US!"

As your travel agent, I'd advise against this trip.

Just another piece of Life-Saving advice from your friends here at NeighborGoodies!


Anonymous said...

thanks for just saving my life...

at least i am almost googleable.

therefore i am real.

speaking of which my word verification letters for today spell the following: reelark

"reel" ark

Ludovica said...

Oh this is so funny.. as someone who used to spend every Monday evening watching my daughter sailing her little dinghy in the 10 acre pond at the Salterns, I have to say I suspect your fears or.. uh.. hysteria are possibly ungrounded, although "The Lure Of The Sea" is possibly not the best way to entice newcomers... the Press Gang always worked well however, I understand.. I mean, why warn them with a pamphlet.. just whack them on the head and drag them off to play with the ocean.. 10 years before the mast and all that.. (OK now I am really struggling to keep this G-Rated).. moving swiftly on...

For those almost ungooglable moments (seriously Dave Gorman is a legend.. so funny)