By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Xmas from NeighborGoodies!

Like it says below... hoping all of your dreams come true this holiday season.

And no, these cards won't be on the NeighborGoodies Table. Cuz they're that good.

(Thanks to NeighborGoodies' logo designer Sean from for designing these cards as well!)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

An Early Christmas NeighborGoodies Prayer

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please....PLEASE... let this just be a nose hair trimmer:

...because if it's not, I don't even want to think about where it's been. Come to think of it, even if it's just a nose-hair trimmer, I don't even want to think about where it's been.


PS: Why did you make the NeighborGoodies Table the nexus to hell?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sleep Your Way to Wackiness

When you're a kid, there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting to pick out your own set of bedsheets. I have vague memories of soldiers and horses decorating my sheets when I was a tiny, tiny child--apparently at four, my parents were hoping I'd evolve into some sort of Civil War buff. Imagine their disappointment when I was finally old enough to pick my own bedding... and I opted for sheets featuring Lifesavers Candies. Sure, my cooler friends were busy sleeping on Star Wars or Spiderman sheets... but I was proud of my stark white sheets featuring giant versions of the orange, red, yellow and green candies.

The very idea that a parent would allow their child to sleep on cavity-inducing sweets seems pretty unbelievable by today's standards; but it was the 80's so all was fair.

What's unfair is the idea that someone, somewhere might have actually purchased these bed sheets for their children:

Wacky Races was a cartoon that premiered in 1968 and ran for two years. Of course, the 30 or so episodes were rerun pretty much up until Saturday Morning Cartoons vanished from the television landscape altogether. (Which, by the way, is the reason television networks are in trouble, as far as I'm concerned.)

As I watched the reruns as a small child, I realized one thing about Wacky Races: It was a terrible, terrible show, even by my standards--and I would watch pretty much anything on television. See for yourself:

The story was simple: Hanna Barbera characters that no one really cared about would race each other in their hilarious vehicles, as illustrated here on the pillowcases:

The characters would, of course, need to overcome obstacles (usually provided by the show's resident villains, Dastardly and his emphysema-ridden dog, Muttley) amid state-of-the-art sound effects such as...


...both of which are, obviously, replicated quite faithfully here on these sheets. The show was pretty much a poor man's animated and painfully narrated version of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." Only with no real end-goal other than to get to an ever-shifting finish line.

The fact that these sheets were pretty much sealed in their packaging up until I tore them apart for the photo session should tell you something: No one wants bedsheets celebrating a forty year old shitty television program. Why not make bedsheets out of another terrible show from 1969, such as prime-time flop "Turn-On." Kids want Tim Conway on their bed at least as much as they crave Professor Pat Pending or Penelope Pitstop. Or Lifesavers.

Oh well... at least my five-flavored sleep-insanity was self-inflicted. Whoever bought their kids "Wacky Races" sheets was clearly engaging in some sort of dastardly abuse... also probably indicated by various bangs and whooshes.


Oh Hey.... you're still here. Well, while you're up, why not vote for us to be nominated as Best Humor Blog in the 2009 Weblog Awards? All you have to do is Go Here, then click on the little green plus-sign next to the NeighborGoodies url! It's easy! And If I Win, You'll Win!™

Monday, November 9, 2009

Get A Life

There's been a lot of activity on the NeighborGoodies Table over the past week, and I apologize for not reporting such insanity to you sooner.

This flurry of Goodies is really no surprise; As people move in or out at the beginning/end of each month, the unwanted items that don't fit in with their new homes often get Left Behind.

I took this photo last weekend, while I was doing laundry:

By the time my laundry was done... the sheer amount of crap on this table had more than doubled:
In fact, for the first time in NeighborGoodies History, there were so many Goodies on the Big Blue Table, items began to spill out into the hallway adjacent to the Laundry Room, creating a sort of NeighborGoodies Annex:

In another rare occurrence, I actually caught sight of the person leaving these items. He's lived down the hall from me for almost as long as I've lived in this building. The fact that we've never spoken probably comes as no surprise to you; As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a people-person. Especially when the "people" in question are sweaty, murdery/killy types who look kind of like Chris Elliot.

As the afternoon progressed, he would pop down with electronics...

...or clothes....

...or cleaning supplies...
...or other insane miscellany...
...all clearly in an effort to not have to transport any of these items to wherever the hell he's moving to. Because some of these items are pretty useful--excluding the duck literature, of course--I'm going to go ahead and assume that he has joined a cult and has been encouraged to move into their compound, where he has no need for DVD players, clothing or duck trivia. I mean, we do have several famously terrifying cults nearby in these luxurious Hollywood Hills who would just love to consume another soul. Why else would one leave behind a book like this:

Judging this book purely by its cover, one can only assume that "Pursuing Windows of Opportunity and Change" is some sort of cult manual designed to brainwash you into leaving behind all your worldly possessions...

...and joining their team of mind abusers. Need more proof? Read on, dear...uhh, reader.

These cults prey on the lonely, the confused, the abandoned. They isolate you from your family, friends, and money. Obviously, anything of any religious significance has no room in these cults...
...and because they lure their victims away from their social circle, you don't hear a lot about cult members making or decorating cakes....

...or about serving coffee with that cake...
...or playing board games while eating that delicious cake and drinking coffee... clearly, my theory must be 100% correct.

My former neighbor, the Killy Chris Elliot has finally gotten a life... probably on some compound. But I'm sure he'll be back soon enough to harvest some more souls. Luckily, he was stupid enough to leave behind a weapon for me to protect myself:
After all: toy that could potentially blind you, yet is marketed to children by naming it after their grandfather, is an invaluable tool in fighting the cults and killers that roam the around the increasingly Dangerous (but still no less luxurious) Hollywood Hills.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...

...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pink is the New NoOneCares

Judging by today's NeighborGoodies, I'm wondering if Hollywood is finally starting to banish one of its worst creations: The Celebutante. You know--the heiresses who are "famous for being famous." The ones who wear giant stupid sunglasses, drunk drive into things and then basically wander the streets in a drugged-out haze while carrying their tiny suicidal dogs until someone takes their photo so everyone can blog about it with "hilarious" captions.

Among the items you might see these hideous creatures carrying are this bright pink triangular purse...
...and its matching water bottle:
Trust me, ladies: We know where your mouths have been; we've seen the videotapes...

...although chances are the vodka you've filled this bottle with has probably killed 99% of the infections living on your diseased lips.

So perhaps the Celebutantes in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills are fading from favor at long last... or at least overcoming their obsession with Pepto Bismol colored accessories.

For the record, green also seems to be "out," judging by these mismatched shoes no one would be caught dead in:

Please take note, you real life "Mean Girls" (or "Heathers," if you're from the 80's): No one wants your used pink water bottle and no one wants your dirty used green shoes.

Especially since they're nowhere near as awesome as mine:


And to those of you still reading celebrity gossip blogs: These horrible people won't go away if you keep giving them attention. Look away! Or I will kick your ass with my awesome shoes!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...

...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"

Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.

Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...

Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hello Potty

Hello Kitty seems to rear her cute little head a lot here on the NeighborGoodies Table. There were the matching wallet & cap from October 2008...

...not to mention the Hello Kitty Notebook paper from July of this year...

...and who could forget Shamu's Hello Kitty pencil case, left just a few weeks ago:

All are adorable, but none can match the angelic sight of these Hello Kitty shower curtain holders:

I found these kitty-heads lined up in formation on the Big Blue Table, as if someone was trying to start a Cute Parade, or maybe an Adorable Army. This is interesting because up until now, no NeighborGooder has ever seemed to think that presentation was all that important when getting rid of their trash.

As you know, my policy on bathroom-related NeighborGoodies is pretty much set in stone: "If it was near the grout, throw it out." (As opposed to everyone else in this building, who thinks "If it was on the tile, add it to the pile..." or "If it's mired in poo, more for you!") Generally, I think my rule is a good one. However--and this will come as a shock to long-time NeighborGoodies readers:

I think these Hello Kitty shower curtain rings might actually be OK in my book.

I guess presentation really does matter: The line-up of kitty-heads with their pink little bows and big adorable eyes are awfully hard to resist. Just look at them, standing there at attention, waiting for their orders. Sure, they'll likely stab you with the giant hooks coming out of their charming little heads, but at least they'll be just darling when they do it.

The shower curtain itself, however...

...I could probably do without.

My theory was proven when, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer (yes, I was actually using the NeighborGoodies Room to do laundry...) a couple came by and scooped up these kitties. The woman was talking about a child of one of their friends who was "obsessed" with Hello Kitty. She described the girl's bedroom as being "pink and adorable." As they got on the elevator with their armloads of cat-heads, the man looked down at the faces staring up at him and muttered: "terrifying."

I'm sure they've been killed by the Kitty Death Army by now, but they did do one smart thing: They left the shower curtain.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fools Brushin'

Fewer things gross me out more than Bathroom-related NeighborGoodies. Believe me: No one wants anything you're tossing out that once lived in your bathroom. Generally, you're disposing of these things because they have turned your Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment into a biohazard. So if you don't want it--why expose your neighbors?

Case in point:

To put it simply: These toiletry totes belong in a landfill. I'm all for "going green," except when doing so puts my hygiene and gums in danger. As disgusting as the used traveling soap-dish is (imagine the soap-slime and the creepy-curly nasties that are still inside...) I believe the toothbrush holder is a thousand times nastier.

To me, using this case could actually be more disgusting than utilizing someone else's toothbrush which, up until right now, was The Worst Thing I Could Imagine. At least you could scrub the toothbrush and set it on fire before brushing, giving yourself some sense of germ destruction. But the toothbrush holder? There's just no way to remove the dried toothpaste, bits of blood and whatever other post-brushing residue that has built-up deep inside of this thing. Unless, of course, you used a toothbrush to clean it out... But then...what would you brush your teeth with?


I may have just blown my own mind and, in the process, given myself gingivitis. I need to go lie down.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Back to School

It's the middle of September, and kids have been back to school for a few weeks now. And although it's been a good number of years since I've wandered those halls, I still remember the excitement I'd feel about starting a new school year. I'd be filled with hope for probably about two weeks and then, right around this time every year, my days would devolve into a panic-filled nightmare of name-calling and mockery. The kids had formed their bonds and the cliques were in place. And invariably, I was not in them.

Although High School was definitely the worst (mainly because the bullies from Grade School started getting bigger, enabling them to be physically as well as mentally abusive) the Grade School bullies were pretty terrible in their own right.... and I get the feeling the little girl who left these NeighborGoodies down in the laundry room is having a tough time with some bullies of her own:

It probably started off innocently enough--a little gentle teasing about her lunchbox, perhaps:

A whale on a lunchbox is never a good idea. Not even "Shamu and His Crew" could help her now. Even if this girl wasn't overweight, the kids at my school were so adept at teasing, they almost certainly would have tormented her until she developed an eating disorder:
  • "Hey Shamu, is that a picture of yourself on your lunchbox?"
  • "Hey Shamu, where's Jonah?"
And the all-time classic:
  • "Hey Shamu: Oink, oink!"
Well... nobody said the bullies were smart--that's kind of what made them bullies: They were just too dumb to know any better. And, of course, the best way to raise your low self-esteem is to lower that of your peers. So, as soon as they sensed any bit of discomfort, they locked onto their target--mocking any and all aspects of you: Your hair, your clothes, your teeth, your food, your ears, nose and throat, doctors, parents, siblings--Anything they could see on or near you was fair game--including your objects.

Soon, little Shamu comes home sobbing, demanding that everything pink and cute and girly she so wanted during her back-to-school shopping excursion must now be replaced with generic plain items so as to not draw attention to herself.

No more Hello Kitty Pencil Cases... more sparkling puppy planners...

...especially if it contained cutesy sparkly stickers...

...and an equally sparkly calculator inside:

2+2 = Misery

She got rid of all of these things because she couldn't bear to be reminded of anything happy. Even the change purse had to go...

...those grinning faces just reminded her of her taunters--All red and round and...smiling. What a bunch of fuckers!

And although I'm kind of surprised she didn't keep her "Body Bag Barbie"...

...I must say I'm not surprised at her sudden rebellion. When we're young, and it seems that all anyone wants to do is harass you for being different, you just want to fade away, become invisible. But as we get older, the lucky ones realize we should celebrate our differences. Sure, those young years were painful, but they made us who we are. And just as being a bully back then probably helped our tormentors ignore their own issues and insecurities--by bringing ours to the surface, they helped us deal with them early on, so we could move on and be productive, hilarious members of society.

And now, we're smart enough to know that they were, and probably still are, full of self-loathing.

So hold your head up high, Shamu! Soon the bullies will be the Jonahs inside of you!