Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...


...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.