By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, November 24, 2008

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Over the weekend, someone dropped off a gigantic (albeit very dusty) speaker:

This wood paneled item looks more like furniture than a speaker, and seems as though it was pulled from a log cabin some time in the mid 80's. I could find no brand name identifier on this behemoth, but I think we can all agree that it must be a quality product, since it is so big and so dusty. Plus, there is only one speaker--which no doubt means crystal clear quality mono sound for all of your LP's and 8-Tracks! Since bigger is always better, there's no need for two speakers when just a massive one will suffice... Especially when listening to this:

This CD single caught my eye initially because, well, it's in the shape of a giant condom:

It even proclaims to be able to reduce the risk of HIV infection and many other sexually transmitted diseases, which is generally the opposite of what music normally does. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten ear-aids™ from listening to dirty pop.

There's no official video for this song, but I did manage to find someone playing the track over an image of the CD (on a red NeighborGoodies-like table, no less!):

Not only is it a pretty decent song that sounds great (although not as good as it would on that speaker up there, obviously) but it can also prevent STDs! What more could you want out of a CD?

Oh, I know... How about a cure for your blindness?

This "Natural Vision Improvement Kit" comes with not one, but two CDs aimed at eradicating any need for glasses or contact lenses. The kit also includes two eye charts, a 90 page guidebook and, according to a website called, 13 "illustratred" practice cards! Clearly this eye improvement kit does nothing to help you spell.

The kit was invented by Meir Schneider, founder of the School for Self-Healing. According to his bio, Meir was born without eyes, or some such nonsense. After some surgeries which left his eyeballs "shattered" (ouch!) doctors said he'd never see anything ever! Ever! But then, at the tender age of 17, with nothing else to do but be post-pubescent, cranky and blind, he decided to practice a bunch of eyeball exercises and blam! Not only can he see, but he can now see well enough to hold a California drivers license:

I couldn't uncover anyone on the internet who has actually used this method, which could mean one of three things:

A: They tried this thing, went completely blind and couldn't figure out how to post a complaint about it.

B: They tried it; it worked and no one posted about how wonderful it was because, well, no one wants to write if there's nothing to complain about. (Or is that just me?)

C: They purchased this item, realized that they'd actually have to do some super-intense eye training, and got lazy about it.

This last thing is almost certainly what happened here in my building. I can pretty much guarantee that someone got this kit and was entirely too lazy to actually go through with it with the program. They eventually decided to dump it onto the NeighborGoodies table along with the dusty speaker.

I'm no doctor, but I imagine removing the 30 year old dust from their apartment has already improved his or her eyesight by 15 - 20 %. What a bunch of filthy blind animals.

1 comment:

InALittleMinute said...

Love it! Love it! Love it!

So, tell us, did you take that gigantic speaker and blast some music thru those halls?