By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New Beginnings

It is, of course, pretty much impossible to tell who left these various items behind, but sometimes it's easy to see why these things have been abandoned.

I get the feeling that the guy who left the following collection of t-shirts maybe thinks it's time to start his life grow up and abandon his Frat party days:

This shirt probably fit him so that the barbed wire armband tattoo that is emblazoned across his bicep sticks out. Poor fucker. During his partying days, he likely shouted out things like "KEGGER!" and "Bro-ham" regularly while wearing this shirt.

Come to think of it, it's probably the douche bag who lives directly above me. He thinks it's cool to blast the Counting Crows at 3 in the morning, making my entire apartment shake. If an earthquake ever hits in the middle of the night, I'll probably just bang on the ceiling without waking up like I do three times a week anyway.

While throwing out these shirts is a good first step to reintegrating himself into society, nothing can take away the fact that he owned and wore these things, probably to the raucous cheers of his friends. Exhibit B:

Beer Pong Thursdays, where the prize is a $500 bar tab. Considering you can drink all night there for ten bucks, I'm guessing this dude had to be a serious alcoholic tool.

And, let's face it, probably still is.

Can you imagine a life where Beer Pong Thursdays is what you do? A few months ago, I went to see an awesome band from Ireland called Mike Got Spiked and when we got to the venue, we discovered, to our horror, that a Beer Pong Tournament happening. A thousand awful frat guys in backwards caps and t-shirts like the ones above were there, drunkenly tossing their balls into cups of water. Apparently, real Beer Pong proved too much for these folks to handle.

Anyway, the band was forced to play during the final rounds of this Beer Pong fiasco--with the tables of the final two teams set up right in front of the stage. As we tried to watch the band perform, my friends and I were constantly bombarded with wet balls. And no, it wasn't fun, thankyouverymuch.

Oh...apparently I've lost track of the point. Anyway, also on the laundry table today is this little slice of Oprah-inspired heaven:

From what I can tell, this shirt was homemade, the self portrait drawn by a woman with her silver sharpie after she used glue to spell out the word "DIVA" and sprinkle it with gold sparkles. The words "MY REBIRTH" appear at the top along with the following quote:

"Honey," she says, "Think of the buildings as mountains. Those peaks! Those vistas."

A quick search for this quote on Google shows no results. And, as we know, if it doesn't exist on Google, it doesn't exist period, so I'm dying to know what this phrase means. Unfortunately, I don't recognize the woman in the picture, so I'm afraid the mystery may never be solved.

The text may talk about mountains, vistas and divas, but the whole idea of this shirt screams "CULT" to me. It could also be the result of a Group Therapy exercise.. . .One in which the woman spent thousands of dollars over the course of many years and trying to have a fresh start as a whole new person. . .only to find she actually maybe liked her old self more.

Next to it was this framed postcard of "Women Combing Their Hair"

I took it out of the frame and found all of the pertinent info on the back:

The fact that these two groups of items were abandoned together makes me wonder if Frat Beer Pong Guy and Oprah Therapy Chick found each other and are currently living happily ever after.

Or maybe Frat Guy just kept a piece of every woman he ever slept with and finally decided to clean house.

God I hate that guy.

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