By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Only Thing We Have To Fear....

Have you heard of Hyelophobia? No? Perhaps you know it better by it's alternate name, Hyalophobia? Still nothing? Well, that's all right.... I hadn't heard of this condition either until I was researching why someone might suddenly decide to rid themselves of all the glass objects in their Luxurious Apartment in the Hollywood Hills:

Hyelophobia is an unnatural fear of glass. Why else would someone drop off the above sack of assorted glass vases on the NeighborGoodies Table, along with these miniature decorative bottles?

I'm not exactly sure what practical use those bottles would have, but clearly they would be terrifying if you suddenly developed a fear of glass... or, worse yet, Tapinophobia--the fear of small objects.

Meanwhile, these two dirty fishbowls (along with their square counterparts sitting behind them) indicate not only a fear of glass, but also perhaps Ichtyophobia... a fear of aquatic life:

Hylephobia, although rare, is apparently quite a distressing disorder. It's so rare, in fact, that I could only find one documented case of it on the internet during several hours of research. And when I say "several hours" I mean I Googled it twice.

The case I found comes from a woman in the UK who calls herself "farley13." Miss Farley was kind enough to post her experience with Hylephobia on a discussion board. In an effort to educate you rubes who read NeighborGoodies, I am happy to present Farley13's unedited message:

im currently being treated 4 a phobia called 'hyelophobia' it means a fear off glass ,8 years ago i put both my arms through a glass door ,after being rushed 2 a'n'e the docs told me i had severd the tip of my pinky ,the tendon was still hanging on the bk of the broken door lol ,so...

OK OK, Hold on! Stop! Sorry, I know I said I was going to present this thing unedited, but I just have to comment here for a moment. Let me be clear here: I'm not mocking this accident, or her disorder. However "LOL"ing after casually mentioning that your fucking pinky's tendon was STILL HANGING ON THE BROKEN DOOR is a gross (no pun intended) misuse of out-loud laughter. Also, Farley13, do you have a fear of proper punctuation? Good lord, woman.

OK, continuing:

,so after 2 operations 2 stretch said tendon 56 stiches through my arms and fingers and 10 days in hospital i was free 2 go ,i hav blocked most of this out and only go by wot family told me ,at the time my son was only 3 months old and me being bandaged frm fingers 2 shoulders on both arms it was 2 month b4 i got 2 hold him again i couldnt take care of myself either so my ex did evrything 4 me (yes evrything) ,

HOLD it! Sorry to interrupt again, but seriously, I just need to get this off my chest. Apparently, although Farley13 also doesn't like 2 spll out 2 many wrds, she does seem to enjoy implying that her ex did 'evrything' he could to pleasure her while she was recovering. Gross. And yes, it's verysad that she couldn't hold her baby for 2 months. But whatever.

OK, I'll be quiet now and let Farley13 continue her assault on the English language story:

my mam had been taking care of my boy up till then ,to this day i hav barely any feeling in my left arm and hand ,i also hav no finger prints which cud com in handy lmao

Wait.... REALLY??

All right...sorry:

but due 2 all this i now hav a fear of glass ,i cant touch it nor do i hav anything of glass in my home ,so i drink my wine frm a plastic cup lol wot fear or phobia do u hav ?


Well, that last part makes me hate Farley13 a little less. At least she's self-medicating like the rest of us.

Oh... did I mention that Farley13 posted this on a dating website? Because nothing turns potential mates on more than borderline psychoses. Especially Daniel4201 from Tennessee...

...who replied to Farley13's post with a flirty "just come over here and you will be fine." Yes, Daniel, you seem very reassuring with your handsome mustachioed face and your swords. I'm sure she'll be verysafe in your arms.

Dude: She's afraid of glass--what makes you think she's not going to be fucking terrified of you and your weapons? Plus... who wants to date a chick with a kid? Get some standards, man!

I'm think I'm beginning to develop fuckingidiotphobia.

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