By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Case of the Suitcase: A NeighborGoodies Mystery!

The NeighborGoodies table, while often used for good, can actually be used to get rid of evidence. Sinister evidence! For example, this suitcase:

It is well-worn--almost too well-worn, if you ask me. Why is this bag traveling so much? Clearly it's because there's some sort of International Espionage going on.

I like to think that this suitcase was accidentally picked up at the airport, in classic 80's Sitcom Suitcase Mix-Up fashion, and that the NeighborGooder was followed back to their Luxurious Home right here in the Hollywood Hills by its original owner: An International Soviet Sitcom Spy! This spy was then forced to secretly switch the bags back and retrieve the microfiche that she mysteriously put in with the checked baggage, even though it is a matter of International Importance!

The Sitcom Spy then had to throw out her identity completely and start anew. It sounds crazy, but the evidence of this wacky misunderstanding follows--but I must warn you: It's not pretty. Not pretty at all.

First up. . .

. . .there's this handsome Ann Taylor pinstriped power jacket, the perfect disguise for any Spy-on-the-go--especially when paired up with these shoes. . .

. . .which, conveniently enough, are next to another power-outfit. This blouse and skirt are perfect for any business meetings or assassinations you may have at home or abroad! There's also this pile of costumes designed to make you fit in to any crowd:

A Hawaiian Muu Muu, along with some corduroys and various woolen items mean our Gal Spy is ready for any climate that her missions may send her to.

I can hear what you're saying, dear NeighborGoodie Enthusiast: "Don't be retarded. These clothes are not from a spy, you incredibly creative and amazing writer! They are just from someone with a tragic sense of fashion!" Normally I'd agree with you, especially when this sea-foam green jacket is involved. . .

. . . however, the evidence of a Sitcom Spy Mission gone wrong is overwhelming!

Take this sheer black & white patterned scarf:

See? It's perfect for any disguise or spy-related strangulation! And these. . .uhh...fancy, filthy black shoes. . .

. . . still with the original owner's toe-prints still clearly visible! Likely, these belonged to the NeighborGooder who mistakenly took this suitcase in the first place. Obviously, she had to be destroyed by our Soviet Spy--if you look closely enough, you can even see signs of the struggle-- her toes curling as she was strangled by that black and white number up there.

Still don't believe me? Have a look at this pile of endless hideousness also inside the International Suitcase of Mystery:

Especially this pair of pants. . .

. . .which is Stained. That's right... STAINED! Stained with either lipstick, Kool-Aid, or. . . the evidence of a bloody, violent spy-related murder.

Outrageous? Maybe. But the likelihood of an actual non-spy human being owning all of these clothes seems very slim to me. Oh sure, these don't look like the glamorous spy costumes you'd see in the movies, but this is real life, not Hollywood! Well... I mean it's technically Hollywood... but, you know... real-life Hollywood, not . . . you know what I mean. shut up.

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