By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

. . .And All I Got Was This Lousy. . .

There's nothing worse than going on a trip and remembering that you need to bring back a gift for someone. It always puts undue pressure on everyone involved because no matter what you get, it's going to be lame--especially if you're like me and you wait until you're at the airport to purchase your merchandise. It's equally bad for the giftee as well, who now needs to pretend that he or she likes what you've given them, even though it is clearly lame.

I imagine that one of the NeighborGooders went to Vegas for his bachelor party, drank his face off and, as his booze-filled near-corpse was being dragged through the airport to come back, he managed to sober up enough to realize that if he didn't buy something for his fiancé, he would likely be killed upon his return. He was not, however, in any state to pick something of quality out, for only a person in a drunken haze at an airport gift shop would choose this:

Yes, that's a canary yellow t-shirt with a cartoon slot machine and the phrase "STRIKE IT RICH" emblazoned on it. STRIKE IT RICH-- No period, exclamation point or emotion involved whatsoever.

What occurred next was undoubtedly the biggest fight of their young lives as a couple, followed immediately by him going out to purchase a sweet, tender, sensitive "Forgive Me" item... which also ended up on the table:

...along with the supplies they were going to use to decorate their first Luxurious Home together (in the Hollywood Hills!):

This unloved stuffed animal and these unused paintbrushes & rollers are all that's left of a relationship gone sour; a blank canvas that was marred with canary-yellow annoyance... an annoyance usually saved for a forgotten anniversary or a midlife crisis.

And that's why airport gift shops should be outlawed. The end.


Lucia Pamela said...

When I was about 20 years old, my boyfriend at the time went to Paris for a week and what he brought me back was a Harley Davidson t-shirt. He thought it was an ironic gesture, which made him special. (I mean, it's just so painfully ordinary and unimaginative for a boyfriend to be thoughtful. Yuck! Am I right, ladies?) Needless to say, a year later we had a nasty breakup culminating in my throwing all of his clothes, as well as his broken skateboard, which he had nailed to the wall above my bed, out the second story window of my dorm room.

Aunt Jackie said...

Hey Jeff its me Nisa by way of Facebook I had to come check you out!

Awesome story. I have a few lame drunken gifts both given and received from airport shops!