By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Local Warming

People often say that one of the best things about living in Southern California is the weather, and I'd agree with that if the air wasn't crunchy. As it stands, I will admit that temperature-wise, the weather is great, but it actually gets pretty damned cold sometimes in the winter. Certainly, it's not nearly as bad as the rest of the country . . .not by a long shot, but when it dips into the 40s during those winter nights, you'll want to bring some blankets. . .and maybe one of these:

The Good-Housekeeping-Approved 1500 Watt "Rapid-Heat" Heater/Fan from Holmes Air, which is mercifully "Equipped with New Ceramic Control and Auto Safety Shutoff!"

Despite the winter chill, I will say that this "electronic fan-forced convection room heater" which "Delivers 5,120 BTU's of clean heat output" is pretty useless, as The Luxurious Apartments here in the Hollywood Hills are equipped with some of the most technologically advanced heating systems known to man:

Each room in the apartment features an "Electric-Heat" thermostat just like the one above. If you click the dial from the 'off' position, a not-entirely-unpleasant (but still incredibly alarming) wave of silent heat emanates from inside the popcorn/plaster/asbestos combo which passes for the ceiling. The ensuing warmth that washes over you from above creates a sort of "toaster oven" effect on the entire area. Despite the presence of a "Comfort Zone" on the thermostat, if you dare turn the dial further than the "50" position, all of your belongings will immediately begin to smolder. Apparently, the 50 indicates how many suns you want to use to heat your apartment up.

If, for some reason, you do turn the dial to the Comfort Zone, you will swiftly and instantly burst into flames--which is exactly what happened to two residents last year. As they burned, the NeighborGooders ran screaming from the building, setting the nearby Hollywood Hills alight--causing the major fire you surely recall:

I only hope that whoever picks up the Rapid-Heat NeighborGoodie is smart enough to use it responsibly--IE not in conjunction with the built-in death-ray heater. We certainly don't want the entire NeighborGoodies Building going up in flames... because if the big, blue table is gone, where would everyone put their stuff?

PS: Be sure to check out the all-new NeighborGoodies myspace page!

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