The Pet Club

The dog people in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills building have a little club, where they gather and disapprove of all of us who don't have pets... and I have no doubt that one of them left these items on the NeighborGoodies Table:


A copy of "Dog's Life" magazine with a note sticking out that reads "For Our Dog Loving Friends" which was written on the back of a script page from...

...Days of Our Lives, during a particularly heavy scene between Daniel and Chloe. Whoever they are.

Based solely on 1950's stereotypes, I'll go ahead and say this means the Pet Owner in question is probably a bored housewife (although clearly a writer would make more sense. But shut up, this is my blog!) Anyway, because she's a housewife who loves her "stories" as my grandmother used to call them, it cannot be the building manager. Why? Because she's unmarried. Why is she unmarried? Well, mostly because she's the devil. (For more on her, please see today's edition of All Bitched Up. See? I had a plan for that housewife thing all along.)

This NeighborGooder also left this painted rock:

...which is from the The Humane Society's Protect Seals campaign:

Ironically, it's the perfect size and shape to club baby seals with*. Weird.

*Note: Please do not club baby seals. Thank you.

Battle of the Exes

Oh, hello there! Welcome back to NeighborGoodies!

Obviously my intention to present some posts while in Japan never came to fruition, so please forgive my absence. You see, Japan is an incredibly distracting land. And there is a lot of sake there. Consequently, there was a lot of sake inside of me, which prevented me from presenting you with these items.

As you'll recall from last week, there was a big pile of craziness on the table just waiting to be mocked rationally discussed:


Since I've just gotten back from Tokyo, let's focus first on this Japanese bracelet...


....ok, so maybe it's Chinese. Whatever the case, this pink item with many fancy dragons looks like it was probably made at a Claire's in Chinatown, where a set of hooker earrings was also purchased:

Based on the items surrounding these jewels, I'm going to go ahead and say, for once, that they did not belong to a murderer. There's been a lot of talk about killers here on NeighborGoodies, and I don't want to be "that guy" who is always looking at everyone in the building as if they are about to murder everyone else in the building (we could only be so lucky, after all.)

I will say, however, that these items likely belonged to the killer's latest victim. The hooker earrings alone are enough evidence to put anyone behind bars--serial killers love themselves some ho's!

But there were likely other non-whorey victims, based on these board games:

These "Battle of the Sexes" Games market themselves as family fun, what with their Far Side-like cartoon drawings of man & woman in deep thought, as they try to answer the burning question: "Which is the Smarter Sex?" I'm not sure why we need two different versions of this board game (One regular, the other an IQ Test) but some lucky spouse got home one night to find his betrothed ready to prove herself as the smarter half in their relationship once and for all.

Being of a competitive nature, the mister likely got angry when the wife began beating him. She, as has happened a thousand times before, got pissed off, started yelling at him about things that happened fifteen years ago, went into their bedroom, slammed the door, opened it again, put this on the outside...

...and slammed it again.

The husband, tired of his wife always communicating via terribly non-hilarious drawings picked up at Spencer's, grabbed the nearest item--also picked up at Spencer's...

...his beloved Pet Rock, whom he often said was like a son to him, since the barren witch he married couldn't give him one, and smashed the door in... followed quickly by her skull.

Obviously the evidence was once again placed on NeighborGoodies Table in order for the world to see.

It's exhausting living in luxury.

Pop a Cap

The temperature in LA plummeted over the weekend. It was in the mid 90's all week until I left the office Friday night, at which point it was windy and in the 50's. I grew up on the East Coast, so I know I have it easy out here, but a forty degree drop will eff with you no matter where you're from.

In the wake of this cold snap, some thoughtful NeighborGooder decided to drop off some accessories to keep their fellow luxury-livers comfortable:

These two hats--more like bonnets, really--are designed to help you retain a good portion of your body heat. Especially the one made of denim, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, this Hello Kitty hat comes with a matching wallet, so you can stay warm in style!
For the gentlemen out there, there's this filthy Paramount Pictures baseball cap...

...which looks as though it was last used when the wearer was in the forest chopping wood.

There's also this stylish black and white bandanna...

...which is clearly used and likely still soaked with sweat. The bandanna itself is adorned with images of various pissed off looking cats, some with electric tails. I can think of nothing more dangerous than an electric-kitty. When I was growing up, my non-electric cat spent a lot of her free time trying to destroy me. I can only imagine what damage she would have inflicted if she was armed with the capability to administer feline shock-therapy to me and my family while we slept.

Speaking of pets--you wouldn't want your tiny, designer yappy dog that wakes everyone up each morning to freeze out in this cold. No, that would be an absolute tragedy. So you'll want to use this tiny American Apparel doggie sweater:

I'm going to resist the temptation to mock the folks who dress up their pets like a fashion accessory... especially since there are apparently people who like to play dress-up with their home furnishings:

Yes, someone tied a little purple scarf on this dirty, almost opaque decorative vase.

The vase is covered in a sticky film and dressed as though it just got back from a night on the town, possibly with a smartly dressed animal.

...

Hmmm...now that I see it in print, who among us hasn't had a night end like that? I rescind my complaint.

The Last Dance

NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts, it is my sad duty to report to you this neighborgoodies.blogspot.com exclusive:

Hampton Hampster, the Internet's first true celebrity, has perished.
Almost a decade after achieving international fame with his very catchy Hamster Dance, Hampy (as his friends called him), died of natural causes in his home in the Hollywood Hills, which now rests comfortably on the NeighborGoodies table:


He moved to Hollywood with the same hopes and dreams thousands of others do each and every day. As Hampy tried to cash in on his instant fame, he did the talk show circuit, holding court with the greats, such as Keenan Ivory Wayans and Roseanne. Later, Hampy went on to try his paw at acting and was cast in the starring role of Harvey the Wonder Hamster on the short-lived CBS Saturday morning series "The Weird Al Show":

Hampy eventually went behind the camera and directed a few episodes of Friends before eventually settling down as a record producer:


Hampy's albums sold enough copies for him to retire in luxury in this palatial estate, complete with exercise wheel:

The full water-dropper indicates the suddenness with which this shocking loss took place.

One of Hampy's favorite places to play outside of his home was this green plastic cup:

According to long time friend and Global Warming Activist, Al Gore, Hampy just loved to climb into this cup, poke his head out at unsuspecting would-be drinkers and shout"Go Green!"

But now Hampy will never go green...or anywhere else again.

God bless you, Hampton Hampster. We'll miss you. Even if you never learned how to spell Hamster.