Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...


...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.

Light Club

Nothing lights up a room quite like a lamp... figuratively and literally, of course. A good lamp can take a room to the next level. And then there are lamps like this:

I think I speak for everyone when I say this monstrosity is perhaps best enjoyed in the darkness--especially when you consider the lampshade that is on the Big Blue Table with it:

I actually like this lampshade, to be honest, but the fugly factor when the two items are combined is enough to make anyone wish they were blind:

Now I'm no decorator, but just because both of these items could technically be described as "floral" doesn't mean they were meant to be together. If faced with the option of illuminating my Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment with this lamp/lampshade combo or with, say, a dozen or so glowsticks...


...well, I guess the only thing to say is "Bring on the Rave!" Sure, my apartment would be filled with people on ecstasy trying to lick each other and my furniture... but at least I'd save on electricity!

It just blows my mind that some strung-out raver in the building actually bought their "Lightning Rods!" in bulk. I love the idea of a drug-fueled shopping binge at Costco, with carts full of lollipops, whistles and glow-sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "You Can't Spell 'Value' without E."

Vase Anatomy

Last week, while I was in JetLag Hell™, these two household items appeared, seemingly straight from an old episode of Wheel of Fortune, back when you were forced to spend your Winnings on items such as ceramic dogs and, well, hideous lamps and vases:

These items, along with their accompanying debris...

...seem pretty unremarkable at first--Especially this lamp...

...complete with its stained shade:

At what point do you stop using this lamp? It's base has been an eyesore since its inception in the Dynasty-era 80's, and I'm pretty sure that stain has been on the shade for a lot of years, so why are we just-now getting rid of it? I have to imagine it's because it recently stopped working and, like many other broken items we find at NeighborGoodies, the owners would rather deposit it onto the Big Blue Table "Just In Case" someone has a use for it. Which, of course, they never do.

Another seemingly useless piece of décor is this vase...

...with its, uhh, unique design:

I'm calling it a vase, but its breastacular lid, which is sealed on, actually makes storage of any stemmed piece of nature impossible. So, I suppose a more accurate description of it would be Oedipal Pottery, but that's not quite as catchy as "vase" or "eyesore."

I turned this item over to see if I could find any information on its Freudian origins and, as it turns out...
...this is a piece by Southern California pottery artist Tom Wallick from 1998. No matter where you click on his website, you are taken to a photo album of his work, where you can buy some of his pieces for 2-3 thousand dollars.

Two. To Three. Thousand.


Dollars.

Which means, basically, that someone who is Living in Luxury in these very Hollywood Hills threw out a BoobieVase that is quite possibly worth More Than TWO or THREE Thousand Dollars, clearly making this the Most Valuable NeighborGoodie Ever. (Even moreso than the $100 inflatable Charles Manson from a few weeks ago!)

Of course, by the time I did my research on this item, it was long gone. Luckily, I can buy more pieces at his web site...for two to three thousand dollars. And, thankfully, most of the items for sale don't even have anything to do with human anatomy.

Although some do:

Piece # 823

Sold!

The Light of Your Life

When I walked into the laundry room and saw this lampshade on the NeighborGoodies Table...

. . .I was kind of surprised. It seems to be a decent, semi-sturdy lampshade in relatively good shape. Might this be something that is actually of use to someone in the building for once?

Then I moved it, and discovered the rest of what was left behind:

Yes...this is an entire lamp, sans bulb. And when I say "entire lamp" I mean "busted ass former lamp-like set-up that has ceased all functionality." It comes complete with stripped pole connectors (hot!) , so you can't actually put it together & have it stand up on the floor in order to properly illuminate a room. You'd have to lay the randomly shaped metal items side-by-side on your floor, allowing the electricity to flow to a bulb that, if included, would rest dangerously on your carpet beneath the sturdy lampshade.

The whole thing reminds me of this weird plastic animal toy I had as a kid: You'd press the bottom of a little stand that a lion was perched upon, and the lion would collapse into a pile of plastic lion-limbs. When you released the button, he'd stand up again, totally fine. I used to pretend he was a drunk hobo lion who ran away from the circus. Because that's what kids do.

Much like my lion, this lamp's sturdiness wore out years ago and will never stand upright again, no matter how many times you press the button. But on the upside, someone in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills building is sure to end up with that lampshade hilariously placed upon their drunken head at their next holiday party. And, just like the lamp and the drunken runaway hobo lion, they will likely end up in a pile on the floor by the end of the night.

Ahhh, the circle of life.

Back to the Grind...

On my way to the gym, I saw these three items hanging out on the NeighborGoodies Table:

A metal shelf (which, for some reason, has holes in it), a trendy lamp, and a high-end coffee maker--with Grinder!

I forgot my camera and was late (ofcourseIwas) so I took this photo hastily with my cell phone, with the intention of taking proper portraits later if the objects were still there. (There's a veryquick turnaround on the NeighborGoodies Table. I'm just saying...)

When I arrived home again, I heard an eerie sound coming from NeighborGoodies Central. I walked in to find the room filled with thick steam, while the Sassy Russian Maintenance Man and his trusty sidekick, the Mustachioed Mexican Custodian tested the coffeemaker on top of one of the dryers. Usually, the Sassy Russian Guy just complains about having to clean off the NeighborGoodies table every day...I had no idea that he was part of a NeighborGoodies Quality Assurance Team!

I asked what was going on and the custodian loudly informed me (over the shrieking noise the coffeepot was emitting) that he was frustrated because it was not grinding any of his beans, and didn't seem to be working at all.

It's weird (and a little rude) that instead of throwing it out, the NeighborGooder simply left this broken piece of poo on the table for someone else to deal with. But what's doubly weird to me is that these guys just had coffee beans laying around, waiting to be ground...unless they were left in the coffeemaker as it was discarded, which is totally disgusting (and totally possible.)

As the Mustachioed Man tinkered with the coffeepot, it began to drip a little and he swelled with pride. His Sassy Russian counterpart wanted no part of these shenanigans and vowed to go to Starbucks as soon as he tossed out the useless hole-y shelf. I laughed to myself...then went to my office and promptly broke the coffee machine there. I found myself wishing I had stuck around for some NeighborGoodies Roast™ which, if I was lucky, could have killed me.