Key Club

Well, there are still no winners yet for our first-ever GET THE GOODIE contest! But more on that in a moment...

First up, we've got a brand new NeighborGoodie:

This license plate frame says "KCI ROCKS!" and identifies the driver as a member of the Key Club. This annoyed the crap out of me because I recently became a member of the angry-people-with-no-keys club. It's a different club altogether, but it still angered me. (Read all about that over at All Bitched Up if you must. But be warned, it's profanity-laden and dripping with ire.)

At first, I thought perhaps KCI Stood for Kandy Cane Isdelicious:

But, alas, it is the Key Club International, which is a high school organization that is supposed to teach leadership of some sort or something. More importantly, you'll recognize that Candy Cane from its appearance the other day next to the Goodie you're supposed to be Guessing in the first-ever NeighborGoodies Contest!



We've had lots of great guesses over the past few days, but no one has even come close to figuring out what is inside of this Fruity Box.

And so...here's your first hint: Although decorated with Lemons and Limes, the item contained within the box is not edible or scented in any way. Which means, although you technically could do both, this object is not meant to be tasted or sniffed. You'll have to use your other senses. You've got three more of them.

I feel this should go without saying, but this object also is not meant to be placed into your hoo-ha, cannot be used to clean anything up... and, most importantly, is not "Tiny Lemon-Flavored People."

For those of you who have already guessed today before the hint--go ahead and take another crack at it. To give everyone a fair chance, your one-guess-per-day will start again NOW. For the rest of you, get to guessing! Leave your best theories in the comments section of this post and if you can correctly identify what's in the box, you'll win this Mystery Goodie, and, more importantly, you'll earn bragging rights as being the first person ever to win a NeighborGoodies Contest!

The Big Game!

Warning! If you are still suffering from Game Day Fever (aka: A Hangover), the following items could actually cause dizziness, nausea and vomiting:

Here, we have two oversized Mary Kay handbags, perfect for storing and toting any Post Super Bowl hurlings! This transparent-and-bright-pink monstrosity...

...is great if you want everyone to see what you ingested yesterday at your Big Game Festivities! Despite being the same color as Pepto Bismol, this item is pretty much guaranteed to push you over the edge if you're feeling even a little bit queasy.

For those of you who like to be a little more discreet about their indiscretions, there's this sleek gray masterpiece...

...which allows the user to vomit in private and still go about her day.

After all the yakking, nothing freshens you up better than a month old (at least) mini Christmas Candy Cane!

I assume this was found inside of one of the purses after they were placed on the NeighborGoodies Table. My only hope is that some wandering child doesn't pick up this piece of trash and consume it. It could prove worse than eating lead paint chips and washing it down with an asbestos shake. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Don't Eat Anything Off The NeighborGoodies Table. You're gambling with your life!

And speaking of Gambling... I hope that all of your illegal bets paid huge dividends yesterday at The Big Game, you bunch of ne'er-do-wells. If not, perhaps you can try your luck at the First-Ever NeighborGoodies Contest!

Yes, loyal readers, it's time to reward you for your dedication to other people's crap... by giving you an opportunity to win a useless item from the Very Table that you adore on an inconsistent-two-to-three-times-per-week basis!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure to present to you:


That's right! If you can Guess The Goodie, you can Get The Goodie!

You see, next to the bags and candy cane, I found this box lying face-down on the Table:

It's a greenish-yellow and dark-green checked box, less than an inch thick, featuring the images of a both a lemon slice and a lime slice.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was inside of the box and, after snapping a few more photos...


...I turned it over and was surprised to discover its contents. And so, NeighborGoodie Enthusiast, if you can guess what's inside--I will send you the box and its innards absolutely free!

As you can see when compared to the mini candy cane...

...the box is not very big. So guess wisely. Or don't. Because it could contain anything. ANYTHING.

The rules are simple!

In the comments section below, feel free to take One Guess Per Day! (Be sure to leave your name, fool!) The first person to Guess The Goodie correctly wins!

Any questions? Good. Now...get to guessin'!

Food for Thought

While waiting for the elevator, I discovered this gem on the NeighborGoodies Table:

At first glance, I was under the impression that Food... For Thought was a recipe book until I noticed the cover describing it as "A Collection of Words To Cherish" (I'm on a diet, so currently, everything is about food.)

As I thumbed through this Chicken Soup for the Soul ripoff, I was exposed to quotes from people such as Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson... as well as this classic prayer...

...submitted by Geri Jewell.

For those of you who didn't grow up watching every sitcom ever, Geri Jewell played Blair Warner's "Cousin Geri" on the Facts of Life. (see the episode here!) Cousin Geri showed up to Eastland where Blair and her friends go to school. As she stumbles in, it is clear that the girls think that she is wasted, until Cousin Geri reveals that she has Cerebral Palsy... although she is wearing this t-shirt:


It says "I don't have cerebral palsy, I'm just drunk." She then vomits on them and demands some rum. Talk about mixed messages.

According to Cousin Geri's website, she was the first character with a disability to have a regular series role on a prime time series. I imagine it was through her television work that Cousin Geri met the author of Food...For Thought, Fern Field Brooks, who happens to have produced everything from Maude to Monk to Mr. Wizard's World.

Fern graciously offers copies of this book for the random price of $8.45 out of what seems to be her house. Or, you can check out the website, which leads you to a page that is almost entirely in Japanese. If you click around enough, you'll end up on pages with photos from a Japanese McDonald's, where the person seems to have ordered only burger buns and fries, which they combine into their own McFry sandwich:

Or this one, where they make a cheeseburger with over a dozen patties:


Or this one, where they make wall art out of the fry containers:


I'm not sure what sort of Thought Fern meant this Food to give us, but it does make me wonder if this is some new sitcom that Fern is working on (possibly entitled "Fast Food For Thought"). If so, I will set my Tivo it immediately.

The Incredible Shrinking NeighborGoodies

I've noticed a trend on the NeighborGoodies table this week: For some reason, there has been a record number of small Goodies being left... Perhaps a very tiny person has just moved in!

First up, there's this little teapot. . .

. . .both short and stout!

If your tiny cup of tea is too hot (Careful!) you can use this red rubber ice tray to make skinny (but very long) ice...well, "cubes" isn't the right word...ice sticks? That doesn't sound right. . .


Whatever the nomenclature, skinny-but-long icy-matter is perfect for any small parties you may be hosting. And, of course, you'll want to look your best. Luckily, there are these two compact, well. . .Compacts from Mary Kay. . .

. . .complete with instructions! I had initially intended to make fun of how silly it seems that you'd need instructions to open a compact, but then I had to refer to them, because I couldn't figure it out on my own. Bah.


All those tiny NeighborGoodies are all great...but this tiny sweater is, by far, my favorite...

You'll definitely want to click on that picture to see this thing in all its hideous, hi-res glory.

It looks to be a homemade baby sweater depicting Santa Claus riding on his sleigh, which is being led by some sort of ascot-wearing moose/reindeer hybrid. Santa, meanwhile, is happily donning some sort of Russian hat and appears to be delivering some eggs and an American flag to some lucky boy or girl.

It looks to me like the sweater, in its initial incarnation, was maybe too small for the baby--perhaps it took longer than anticipated for Grandma to knit, or perhaps Junior came out much bigger than anyone imagined possible. And so, having run out of blue yarn, the green sections at the bottom and on the collar were hastily stitched on by Granny in an attempt to save the sweater.

No word yet on what the three errant wooden buttons are doing on the sweater's left shoulder.

Did I mention that the reindeer is wearing an ascot?

That thing is nothing short of amazing...and it goes perfect with these baby-sized Chococat Suspenders!


I'm not sure what sort of child this kid will grow up to be. .but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be pretty.

And finally, who wants some mini 3 Musketeers bars. . .

. . .which are still housed in their original Easter Basket? Hi, Easter was two months ago.

The "Don't Take Candy From Strangers" rule is doubly important here on the NeighborGoodies Table because:
A: It's stale.

and B: You certainly wouldn't want to risk eating something left by the woman who knitted that sweater, would you? Because, clearly, she's dangerous.

Of course, if there were Rolos in this basket, I likely would not be complaining. But that's neither here nor there.

Toast of the Town

Recently, a surprisingly high percentage of NeighborGoodies seem to be coming from kitchens and bathrooms here in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills complex. Personally, I like knowing that what I have in my bathroom and in my kitchen wasn't in someone else's bathroom or kitchen at any point in their history. I just don't want anyone's used bathroom anything--and likewise for the kitchen.

Especially when said kitchen item is directly involved with Food Preparation:



No one ever gets a new toaster until you absolutely need it. And you know when you absolutely need it because when a toaster breaks, it really breaks. So, I can only assume that this toaster is very, very broken, and likely of no real use to anyone, unless you're taking it into the bathtub.

Growing up, my parents had a toaster that used to shoot sparks out of it. This was normal to me, and I just assumed the sparks were cooking the toast. I remember my dad always having to stick a knife in the toaster in order to get the bread out of it, once it had been charred beyond recognition. (A golden brown piece of toast wasn't ever really an option until the arrival of a new toaster that showed up when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. . .)

Anyway, by the time our first toaster retired, it looked kind of like this--covered in rust and pieces of burnt bread:


NeighborGoodies Central smelled like a bad mix of bleach and burnt rye bread this weekend because of this beast. I took it upon myself to inspect the little crumb drawer--which, in many cases, is the source of such odors:

I'd say there's at least six months' worth of toaster crumbs in there. It's practically a meal!
Just slap some eggs on it and you'll be in heaven!

Of course, the most disturbing part of this NeighborGoodie is that it disappeared within a matter of hours, leaving only a small pile of crumbs behind in its place. So someone in my building thought: "Ooh, used cookery!" and took it home. Once again, here's the reason I don't eat at any of the neighbors' places. Of course, no one's invited me...but if they dared to, I'd still say no. Because ewww.

...At least you can rest assured knowing that no one has taken the Bathroom Goodies from late last week. Apparently, even the scavengers in this building have their limits. So I guess the lesson really is, you can use their bathrooms, but don't take a snack from anyone in the building.

Thyme's Square

Seriously, what the hell is this thing:

On my way out to the gym yesterday morning, I saw this beauty and, even though I was late, I felt the urge to run upstairs to grab my camera to take some photos of this beast.




Judging from the size of the finger paint streaks that mar the 24" by 18" canvas, I'd say it's some kid's school project--a 3-D replica of NY's Times Square.

I love that some of the skyscrapers are even labeled:
Look! It's Radio City Music Hall and the NASDAQ!

While I do enjoy it, I am struggling to understand the presence of this little hot dog that is glued in the middle of everything.


I have to respect that this kid chose to glue a tiny hot dog replica to his project in an attempt to add another layer of authenticity to it...although if the hot dog exists on the same plane as the buildings, then it is, apparently, just floating in midair in between the skyscrapers. I could live in a town with floating hot dogs!

There's even a teensy tiny little NYC Subway map haphazardly hanging off the canvas, possibly to indicate wind...or maybe litter. Either way, the kid is dead on.


I just love the attention to detail. Here, for example are the giant ads that are such an iconic part of the Times Square experience. Brought to you by JVC and Coke!

I searched for clues to find the artist's identity, but there is nothing. Nothing, that is, except perhaps my favorite feature of this piece of work: A tiny orange hand in the lower right hand corner. Here's a closer look:



I seriously don't even know what to do with this thing, other than wish I had taken it when I had the chance. It was long gone by the time I got home from work---some other lucky mofo in the building snatched it right up before I had a chance to claim it as my own.

Also included in today's find, conveniently enough for pun's sake, are 26 bottles of spices:



There's plenty for the taking...including two bottles of everyone's favorite:


Yeah, I'm twelve. So what? These, too, were snatched up when I returned home from work. I'm never going to dinner at anyone's apartment in this building out of fear that they'll be using the laundry spices.

Of course, if they're cooking tiny map hot dogs, I might reconsider. . .