Collector's Edition

People collect all kinds of weird things. Baseball Cards, Dolls, Human Skulls... these are just some of the common collectibles that nerds, nerdettes & psychopaths all around the world are hoarding. There are countless websites dedicated to people's vast and ill-conceived collections. Some people even collect photos of other people's garbage, or pictures of people being pelted with bananas. Talk about ridiculous!

Ahem...

Anyway, here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, someone has amassed a collection of failed collections. These seem to be coming from a person in search of something to hoard. Early in this guy's life, he came home one day after school, ashamed that he was the only boy without a hobby. So after careful consideration, he chose stamp collecting:


A Philatelist generally spends years collecting stamps, often of the first day they come out. This guy started his collection in 1973, back when US Postage Stamps were only eight cents:

And while he clearly started off with gusto--gathering a huge collection of seven stamps--it's clear that he abandoned his project pretty quickly, possibly when stamps rose from 8 to 10 cents in March of 1974. Those two extra cents were too much for him to handle, so he decided to switch gears and, in the early 80's started collecting change...

...and rocks. I think initially he was trying to convince himself that by collecting the change, he could raise enough cash to revive his ailing stamp collection. And coin collecting on its own can be quite profitable if done right. But as you can see....
...he was mainly collecting Pesos, which are about as effective as his little rocks when trying to purchase stamps from the US Postal Service. (Although I've often wanted to throw stones at some of the clerks, so maybe he was on to something.)

The latest Peso is deted 1981, and I assume he remained hobby-less for nearly ten years abefore finally (albeit briefly) settling on a more manly hobby to evenutally ignore:

Cars! This Hobby, likely inspired by a combination of the Tim Allen era of 'butch comedy' and a mid-life crisis, lasted for about as long as you might think for a guy who amassed a collection of stamps and coins worth approximately $1.19 over the course of 27 years.

So what makes people want to collect things? Well, I might have done some light reading on the subject...

...and it turns out that some psychologists believe that it's mankind's effort to control some small portion of the world they live in, or an attempt to have a project that extends over the course of a lifetime. According to this article, Sigmund Freud suggested that collecting items "ties back to the time of toilet training." His theory was that potty training is so traumatic that the first flush creates a sense of loss, and you spend the rest of your life trying to regain what was taken from you.

Which would explain why this guy's collection is so... shitty.

Hey-o!

Flame Retardants

These are possibly the three ugliest Candle-related items you're ever going to come across in one sitting. I'm not sure if I can stress enough just how hideous these things are, so be warned.

First, there's this blue plastic star...
...which, I imagine, used to be a cookie tray, but somehow became the household wax drip dish. What caused the demotion is anyone's guess. (And no, this isn't another contest, so cram it.) Let me give you a closer look at this wax-covered item without the flash washing it out:
Well... at least I hope that's candle wax. The next item that should be on fire rather than just displaying it is this... thing:
This wrought-iron nightmare might be one of the most frightening NeighborGoodies to date:

It looks as though it's been taken directly from the altar after a satanic sacrifice, possibly while it was still in progress. If there was ever a cursed NeighborGoodie, it's this one.

And finally, there are these items, which are just simply the ugliest things that ever happened to life:

These items are so hideous, they almost make me want to set myself on fire. But only almost. While normally I would commit to such actions as a demonstration against the flagrant hideousness of these candle holders, something changed me over the weekend. I had the misfortune to be used as a human ash tray by a drunken British sociopath who decided to stub his wife's cigarette out on my hand (apparently, she's not supposed to smoke. And, apparently, it was my fault because I was near her as she puffed away.) I don't mind telling you it hurt like hell. And no, I didn't beat the shit out of the psychopath because we were at a wedding, and it was neither the time nor place. (Not that it was the time or place to press a lit cigarette into my flesh, but some of us are more rational than others, I suppose.)

So, just this one time, I'll let the ugliness of these objects (and of humanity in general) speak for themselves without any sort of hippie-like protest about it.

Actually, now that I'm staring at these candle holders, I kinda wish he had pressed the cigarette out in my eyes. Damn, they ugly.