Pink is the New NoOneCares

Judging by today's NeighborGoodies, I'm wondering if Hollywood is finally starting to banish one of its worst creations: The Celebutante. You know--the heiresses who are "famous for being famous." The ones who wear giant stupid sunglasses, drunk drive into things and then basically wander the streets in a drugged-out haze while carrying their tiny suicidal dogs until someone takes their photo so everyone can blog about it with "hilarious" captions.

Among the items you might see these hideous creatures carrying are this bright pink triangular purse...
...and its matching water bottle:
Trust me, ladies: We know where your mouths have been; we've seen the videotapes...

...although chances are the vodka you've filled this bottle with has probably killed 99% of the infections living on your diseased lips.

So perhaps the Celebutantes in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills are fading from favor at long last... or at least overcoming their obsession with Pepto Bismol colored accessories.

For the record, green also seems to be "out," judging by these mismatched shoes no one would be caught dead in:


Please take note, you real life "Mean Girls" (or "Heathers," if you're from the 80's): No one wants your used pink water bottle and no one wants your dirty used green shoes.

Especially since they're nowhere near as awesome as mine:


Fools.

And to those of you still reading celebrity gossip blogs: These horrible people won't go away if you keep giving them attention. Look away! Or I will kick your ass with my awesome shoes!

Sad Sack

If you found a bag on the street, what would you do? There could be anything in there. A pile of cash... or a used baby! Of course, if you're like me, you'd think it was a bomb and you'd run as fast and as far as you could, hoping someone else will eventually deal with it before thousands are killed and/or injured.

But for some reason, when I find a bag on the NeighborGoodies table....
...I always--always--open it, even though I know it will be filled with some sort of unholy terror. This bag's terror is in the form of a teddy bear...

...who is clearly stuffed with sadness:

Have you ever seen a more pathetic looking toy? When you look into his eyes, you can almost see the tears welling up beneath his furry face. It's as though he just found out he has an inoperable teddy bear tumor, and instead of doling out the cash for his treatment, his owner chucked him into an oversized purse and put him onto the NeighborGoodies Table to rest in peace... or filth.

Also included in the oversized purse is this light blue sack of loveliness:
Of course, I can't help but look inside of this thing either, though I strongly suspect there's at least one eyeball inside of it. I reach in and pull out...


...some sort of material that curiously falls somewhere between wax paper and plastic bag. I'm not sure what the stuff is, or why it was inside. Was it to make it seem like the clutch was full of something besides sadness? Did the carrier want people to think she was walking around with wads of cash? Was this an accessory worn to a poorly-attended fundraiser intended to raise money for the tumor-bear's treatment?

Whatever the reason...I'm glad just glad it didn't explode. Although it would have finally put that poor bear out of its misery.

Not So Great Adventure

In the current economic climate, you can leave no stone unturned when looking for a job or, heck, even a new career! And today, some NeighborGooder wants to help you in your search for the right path with...

"Adventure Careers - Your Guide to Exciting Jobs, Uncommon Occupations & Extraordinary Experiences."

I feel like the person depositing this book has maybe suffered through a long series of terrible jobs, some with unreasonable and crazy bosses. Bosses who, for example, might give notes to change a project without ever laying eyes on it, despite the weeks and weeks of work you've done. I know, I know... it sounds ridiculous, but some people are insane.

So while a new career may be in order, I'm not sure what sort of "Adventure Careers" this book is trying to sell you on. After all, along with the book, I found this Cuervo Silver necklace...
...along with some creepy boas:


So while a new career in the world's oldest profession may seem like an adventure... I think I'll stick with my current career, as full of giant nightmares as it is. Cuz at least when I get screwed at work now, I don't need to see a doctor.

The Bold Shoulder

Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Someone left their body parts on the NeighborGoodies Table. And they're not even good body parts... they're shoulders:

OK, so they're not technically shoulders, but they are, in fact, original 1980's era shoulder-pads, as made popular by the casts of Dynasty...

...Designing Women...

...and RuPaul's Drag Race.
The 80's were a weird time for a lot of reasons, not the least of which were the giant-shouldered women who invaded office buildings across the nation. Their linebacker shaped upper-bodies were meant to represent power, gusto, suffrage. These were worn by women who were finally standing up for their rights against their sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical biggot bosses. In fact, these 1987 vintage canned shoulders were so popular...

...they were even available in kids' sizes!

The label calls them "A big kids look for little kids!" I, however, call them "A new reason for big kids to beat up your kids!" I could almost understand a little latchkey girl wearing these in the 80's, trying to be like her office-bee mom--but there is a boy on this can. A BOY WITH A SKATEBOARD... As if to say "Hey! This kid's cool because he has a skateboard... and he wears shoulder pads That means you'll be rad if you wear them!!" Look, I was about as dorky as you could get in the 80's, and not even I would go anywhere near these things. If I showed up to 8th grade wearing shoulder pads, I can guarantee you there's no way in hell I would have lived to even see recess.

I opened the cans to get a better look inside and was shocked to discover that shoulder pads smell really, really bad...

...although I suspect I wouldn't smell so great if I was locked in a can for 22 years or so. I was also surprised to learn that while the adult version of the shoulder pads are made a soft, silky material, the kids' version is nothing more than little bits of foam:

If you're confused about the logistics of these shoulder pads, the adult's can of shoulder conveniently features a woman sensually showing us how to apply our new pads:
Step 1: "Lift bra strap and gently slide the flap (or under-panel) beneath the strap. Adjust pad to edge of shoulder and position comfortably."

Step 2: "Look great and feel comfortable for the rest of the day."

You'll also notice that while the other cans are from 1987, this specific brand was purchased in 1996! I think I speak for everyone when I ask: What the hell for? Shoulders had definitely deflated to a more reasonable size as soon as Paula Poundstone pointed out how silly the trend was in 1990:

I can only imagine that the NeighborGooder who owned these had been hooked on shoulder pads since her childhood in the 80's--remaining loyal to the Stay-Put brand for as long as she could until they went under due to shifting trends in fashion. Not content with trimming down her shoulders, our heroine was forced to switch over to The Perfect Pad:
...who were, for reasons unknown, still manufacturing the Ultimate Shoulder Pad at least through the mid-90's. I'd like to think that finally, in 2009, this woman gave up these shoulder pads willingly. However, I think we all know that her addiction likely got the best of her, and her spine was crushed under the weight of these foam pads. And because of her stubborn and repeated refusals to get help for her problem, her family has no shoulder to cry upon.

Bea is for Bag

Before you read on, you should know something: This will probably be the gayest post I ever do. And I'm talking 'gay' as in 'homosexual.'

As I'm sure you've heard by now, over the weekend, we lost hilarious and beloved actress Bea Arthur:

Thank You For Being a Friend

She had a long and storied career, but I think it's fair to say she'll be remembered by our generation mostly for her role as Dorothy Zbornak on The Golden Girls. As clever as the writing was on the series, my favorite part was always the way Bea Arthur reacted to the insanity that was around her: The icy glares she constantly gave her roommates, coupled with the baritone sound & wicked delivery of her insults were just genius. The woman had great comic timing; reruns of The Golden Girls & Maude are still hilarious, and it has everything to do with Bea Arthur.

I wonder if it is a coincidence that after she died on Saturday, these gigantic purses showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:


Now, I'm not saying they were hers, but I do find it strange that once this TV Icon dropped dead, these bags appeared. Look at them! They're the epitome of 1980's television props: Massively huge, pastel-colored monstrosities that you never saw anywhere out in the real world. Bags just like these could be found slung over Dorothy's arm in just about every episode:



Perhaps the bags were put there as an homage to Bea Arthur. Think about it: Some people lit candles. Some people (the gays) stayed in and watched their Golden Girls DVDs, sobbing into their cheesecake. And one person left these Golden Girls inspired purses on the NeighborGoodies Table.

And as, uhh, 'lovely' as those purses may be, I have to say that Bea Arthur, Betty White, Estelle Getty & Rue McClanahan were always my favorite old bags. I'm just glad Bea herself didn't end up on the table. Although funeral arrangements have not been announced, so... only time will tell.

The Big Game!

Warning! If you are still suffering from Game Day Fever (aka: A Hangover), the following items could actually cause dizziness, nausea and vomiting:

Here, we have two oversized Mary Kay handbags, perfect for storing and toting any Post Super Bowl hurlings! This transparent-and-bright-pink monstrosity...

...is great if you want everyone to see what you ingested yesterday at your Big Game Festivities! Despite being the same color as Pepto Bismol, this item is pretty much guaranteed to push you over the edge if you're feeling even a little bit queasy.

For those of you who like to be a little more discreet about their indiscretions, there's this sleek gray masterpiece...

...which allows the user to vomit in private and still go about her day.

After all the yakking, nothing freshens you up better than a month old (at least) mini Christmas Candy Cane!

I assume this was found inside of one of the purses after they were placed on the NeighborGoodies Table. My only hope is that some wandering child doesn't pick up this piece of trash and consume it. It could prove worse than eating lead paint chips and washing it down with an asbestos shake. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Don't Eat Anything Off The NeighborGoodies Table. You're gambling with your life!

And speaking of Gambling... I hope that all of your illegal bets paid huge dividends yesterday at The Big Game, you bunch of ne'er-do-wells. If not, perhaps you can try your luck at the First-Ever NeighborGoodies Contest!

Yes, loyal readers, it's time to reward you for your dedication to other people's crap... by giving you an opportunity to win a useless item from the Very Table that you adore on an inconsistent-two-to-three-times-per-week basis!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure to present to you:


That's right! If you can Guess The Goodie, you can Get The Goodie!

You see, next to the bags and candy cane, I found this box lying face-down on the Table:

It's a greenish-yellow and dark-green checked box, less than an inch thick, featuring the images of a both a lemon slice and a lime slice.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was inside of the box and, after snapping a few more photos...


...I turned it over and was surprised to discover its contents. And so, NeighborGoodie Enthusiast, if you can guess what's inside--I will send you the box and its innards absolutely free!

As you can see when compared to the mini candy cane...

...the box is not very big. So guess wisely. Or don't. Because it could contain anything. ANYTHING.

The rules are simple!

In the comments section below, feel free to take One Guess Per Day! (Be sure to leave your name, fool!) The first person to Guess The Goodie correctly wins!

Any questions? Good. Now...get to guessin'!

Pop a Cap

The temperature in LA plummeted over the weekend. It was in the mid 90's all week until I left the office Friday night, at which point it was windy and in the 50's. I grew up on the East Coast, so I know I have it easy out here, but a forty degree drop will eff with you no matter where you're from.

In the wake of this cold snap, some thoughtful NeighborGooder decided to drop off some accessories to keep their fellow luxury-livers comfortable:

These two hats--more like bonnets, really--are designed to help you retain a good portion of your body heat. Especially the one made of denim, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, this Hello Kitty hat comes with a matching wallet, so you can stay warm in style!
For the gentlemen out there, there's this filthy Paramount Pictures baseball cap...

...which looks as though it was last used when the wearer was in the forest chopping wood.

There's also this stylish black and white bandanna...

...which is clearly used and likely still soaked with sweat. The bandanna itself is adorned with images of various pissed off looking cats, some with electric tails. I can think of nothing more dangerous than an electric-kitty. When I was growing up, my non-electric cat spent a lot of her free time trying to destroy me. I can only imagine what damage she would have inflicted if she was armed with the capability to administer feline shock-therapy to me and my family while we slept.

Speaking of pets--you wouldn't want your tiny, designer yappy dog that wakes everyone up each morning to freeze out in this cold. No, that would be an absolute tragedy. So you'll want to use this tiny American Apparel doggie sweater:

I'm going to resist the temptation to mock the folks who dress up their pets like a fashion accessory... especially since there are apparently people who like to play dress-up with their home furnishings:

Yes, someone tied a little purple scarf on this dirty, almost opaque decorative vase.

The vase is covered in a sticky film and dressed as though it just got back from a night on the town, possibly with a smartly dressed animal.

...

Hmmm...now that I see it in print, who among us hasn't had a night end like that? I rescind my complaint.

Freshly Squeezed OJ

I have a question.

What if OJ didn't do it?

I'm not talking about the current trial where he's in trouble for doing whatever it is he's alleged to have done. No one cares about that.

I'm talking about The Big Trial. The one where everyone (except for twelve people) thought he killed his ex wife.

I'm asking because I think it's odd that just as OJ is in the news again, suddenly there's a mysterious black glove hangin' out on the NeighborGoodies Table:

I'm just saying... It looks an awful lot like the ones he was alleged to have worn during the murder:

As OJ's lawyer said: "If it does not fit, you must acquit."

I'm gonna put this unpopular opinion out there: Maybe the glove didn't fit during his trial because it wasn't his! And maybe, just maybe, this is the other half of that murdery pair of gloves. Let's look at the evidence:

Judging solely from the NeighborGoodies table, there has clearly been some murderin' goin on around here. Maybe the killer of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman has been Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills amongst the other NeighborGooders all this time! OJ did say he "would not rest" until he found the real killer. And now that he's on trial for something else, the real killer can finally breathe easy without fear that OJ would find him.

The killer's first act would, of course, would be to ditch the disguises he has been donning for the last 14 years. Items such as these...

He clearly found some of his more recent costumes right here on the NeighborGoodies Table back in May! You can plainly see these same two pairs sunglasses right in the middle of this NeighborGoodies File Photo...


...which makes them the second (and third, I suppose) NeighborGoodie Rerun!

I can hear you all now: "Oh sweet, delusional, Jeff... Your blog is amazing, but you are talking nonsense. There's no proof. What about the murder weapon?"

They never did find the 'knife' that allegedly killed Nicole and Ronald. However, I did uncover this on the table right next to the glove:


To the casual observer, it just looks like some cheap jewelry you'd most certainly throw out. But, if you really look at it--it seems as though it is made from little pieces of broken glass strung together.

It's quite simple really: The killer likely presented this necklace to his victim as part of another gift--such as this jewelry box, cleverly shaped to look like a miniature china closet:

The victim opens the drawer (which would house the silverware if it was a full-sized cabinet) and finds the blue necklace. The killer confuses her--perhaps by telling her it is made of blue topaz--and before you know it, she's trying it on. As she looks in the mirror to see the piece of trash around her neck, she notices her killer slipping on a pair of gloves before grabbing the necklace from behind and pulling--creating what seem to be dozens of stab wounds to the throat--just like the ones that killed Nicole!

Done and done.

Well...now that I've cleared OJ's name, they can finally resume production on "Naked Gun 444: Why, God? Why?"

You're welcome, world.