Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Today we have everything you could possibly need to brighten up your morning. Some NeighborGooder was quite obviously cleaning out their Luxurious Hollywood Hills kitchen and disposed of essentials such as...

...the best selling "Joy of Cooking." Since its first printing in 1931 (!!) this book has found its way into just about everyone's kitchen. Well, everyone's except mine because I don't know how to cook. In fact, I don't know anything about anything in the kitchen, except how to eat. And make a mess. Those are the two things I do well. And while I do make a hell of a Banana Surprise and a decent bowl of cereal, there is no Joy in Cooking for me. I could even toast a bagel if I really put my mind to it... but they always get so stale! What's a boy to do?

Oh, I know! A Bagel Jar™!


I've never seen a container like this, so I'm happy that it is very clearly labeled. I don't say this very often in connection with items on the Big Blue Table, but these two items might actually be of use to someone. A recipe book and a relatively clean-looking storage container for your delicious bagels really aren't so bad, compared to what's usually in the laundry room. Hey, if they weren't sitting on a table that was crawling with infectious diseases, I might even advocate taking these things.

Even this 1960's era percolator isn't so bad, really:

I mean, I'd certainly never drink anything out of it (Remember The Golden Rule: We Must Never Consume Anything from the NeighborGoodies Table!) but it'd be a cool decorative piece.

Even if, for some reason, you did want to drink out of it, I'm not sure if you could:

I don't know what the insides of a percolator is supposed to look like, but I'm pretty sure this is not it:

Or maybe it is. I don't know crap about Hippie-era technology.
But one thing I do know: That 40 year old percolator is in WAY better condition than this ultra-modern pile of filth:
Let me give you a closer look at this thing:



As you can see, this is a whole new level of disgustingness, even for the NeighborGoodies Table.
I can't help but wonder if this was left by the same guy who dropped off the nasty water purifier not too long ago.


Like I said, I don't know anything about kitchens, but I do know that this level of grime doesn't just happen. This was done out of spite. This has to be the result of some sort of argument between roommates over who does the dishes or who cleans the bathroom or who drank who's Yoo-hoo. It's as if they were using actual pieces of earth instead of coffee grounds to make their morning beverage. And while dirt is chock full of minerals, I think I'll stick with my Cheerios instead.

I joke about this a lot, but this time I mean it: If anyone tried to use this thing, they could ACTUALLY die. And not a fake comedy death... they would be, you know DEAD dead! And this was IN someone's apartment... for a LONG, LONG time by the looks of it.

And this is why we don't go to the Neighbors' places for brunch here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Throw Me a Stone...

I don't think I'm overstating the situation when I say the NeighborGoodies Table is, quite possibly, one of the filthiest things on the planet. It is riddled with disgusting distustingness, such as this used Brita water purifier:

Initially purchased to help clean up this NeighborGooder's drinking water, this item was neglected and abused so much, that it eventually stopped purifying the user's water altogether and tried to kill them:

(Feel free to click on this for Maximum Nastiness!)

How could this item be dirtier than the LA tap water? I have this exact product in my own Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment, and it is pretty much spotless--mainly because I keep it clean... you know, because I DRINK OUT OF IT. Therefore, I know that this level of dirt and grime only could occur if someone was living in absolute filth, or planting flowers in their purifier.

Nothing could clean this thing... except maybe some Glass Wax which, due to its cleansing nature, was immediately thrown out of someone's apartment upon its discovery:

As you can tell by the metal packaging, Glass Wax is an Old Tyme Product which, despite its name, cleans much more than just glass:

The product was initially created in 1945 by Harold Schafer, whose story is chronicled at Medora, North Dakota's Number One Vacation Site! Because If You Live in North Dakota, You Deserve A Vacation™.

When I first laid eyes on this ancient cleaning solution, I thought it was perhaps a special promotion, harkening back to the early days of Glass Wax... because certainly nothing from our era could possibly still look like this. But as I inspected the product, I realized this thing is definitely authentically old:


This dented, rusted $3.99 container of Glass Wax has no markings on it whatsoever that would indicate a date, other than it being distributed by Airwick Industries, which bought out Gold Seal in 1986. They discontinued Glass Wax in 2005, much to the chagrin of many, many people who are still complaining about it on every blog and discussion group on the internet. (Many of whom claim to live in Glass Houses. Really?)


Glass Wax claims that it "Cleans 30 Kinds of Dirt in 30 Seconds," but as tempted as I am to use this 4 - 23 year old container of liquid cleaner on the water purifier (or heck, even the NeighborGoodies Table itself) I know there are people out there who really, REALLY want this product. And maybe, just maybe, one of them Lives in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

But I still wouldn't drink their water.

Mugly

Since the Dawn of NeighborGoodies, lo those many moons ago (about 15 months' worth of moons, to be specific...) I have been sneaking around my Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, secretly snapping photos of the miscellany that has been dumped in the laundry room. As I've said before, I didn't want anyone in the building to know about this little project, partly because I don't want to compromise the "integrity" of the NeighborGoodies by having thwarters plant items... but mainly because I don't want any of the would-be murderers in the building to become actual murderers after reading my stunningly accurate descriptions of them and their objects.

And so, for over a year, the Secret was, well... a secret.

Then last week, a friend from the building found me on Facebook. He's lived here for years, and I've known him since I moved to LA almost 10 years ago. We worked together on my first job out here, and then lost touch until he found me (oddly enough) in the laundry room soon after he had moved into the building, completely by coincidence.

Because I often use Facebook to alert people when there's a particularly interesting post, I knew the proverbial jig was up.

I fired off an email that said, "Can you keep a secret?" And just like that, the cat was out of the bag.

He called later to tell me that A: He enjoyed the blog and B: that there were a bunch of mugs and a light bulb on the table. Like this one, which sadly is only the second ugliest of the bunch:

This mug, which is designed to look as though it was pieced together using tiny green brickettes and other assorted masonry to create the flower, was actually stolen from Mon Sushi. I know that because it is written in itty-bitty letters near the bottom of the mug:

Weirdly, a place called Mon Sushi with a different phone number has recently gone out of business a few miles from here. However, a place called with that phone number exists in West Hollywood under the name of "Sushi Mon." What a mystery! Because of such confusion, I'll go ahead and assume this is all an elaborate trap to lure unsuspecting tea-sippers to their doom.

Also on the Big, Blue Table is this mug from the cruelly-named Performing Arts Physical Therapy studio...

...for anyone who took the phrase "break a leg" little too literally before hitting the stage.

And, of course, we have these three matching mugs...


...which look as though they were an artists' rendition of television's white noise, which were then filled up with hideousness...

..in the form of rat droppings. But despite all this ugliness...

...the worst mug of all has to be this international piece of waste:

Featuring, among other things, haphazardly drawn cherries, glasses of wine, what look to be either strawberries or hearts, an Eiffel Tower and some birds all against a cloudy blue sky background, this thing screams of being a last-minute, thoughtless gift for someone purchased at the Airport.

I'm not entirely sure why the light bulb is stuffed inside of it...


...but it is, and it is almost guaranteed to set your apartment ablaze. That is, if you don't poison yourself by drinking out of one of the doody-infested mugs first.

Honorable Mention goes to the Lion King Sippy Cup...

...and to the Downstairs Neighbor Guy, who has become The first official in-building ally of NeighborGoodies. Thanks for alerting me to these items, and welcome to the team! Now shhhh!

Thou Shalt Not Steal

People steal things from hotels all the time. In fact, they want you to take many of these items: The shampoos, the pads of paper, the pens all bearing the hotel's logo... It makes sense to take some of these items. After all, who couldn't use an extra pen while traveling? Of course, I would never take any of these things for the same reason I don't want anything off the NeighborGoodies table: Who knows what sort of filthy animal was handling it before you? It's bad enough I have to see the crazies who leave things on the Big Blue Table. I can't help but believe that the the unseen, unwashed masses who were in my hotel room before me are even worse.

Which is why I'm disturbed that someone, somewhere--especially in a place as luxurious as the Hollywood Hills--would ever think it's a good idea to take one of these from a hotel:

This rubber no-slip mat that magically prevents you from killing yourself by slipping in the shower is one of the filthiest things (but not THE filthiest) that has ever found its way down to the NeighborGoodies Table. For the love of God, all the dirt, grime and disease that was on anyone before they jumped in the shower passes over this item on its way to the drain. People, please be aware, these things are not brand new when you step on them, and there's no way to tell how many people were on this thing before you, or what was oozing out of them at the time.

Now to the case at hand: Not only was someone disgusting enough to take this thing out of their hotel, pack in their suitcase next to their clothes and bring it home... This person then used it, realized that it was annoying and possibly a biological threat, then discarded it not into the fiery inferno that would destroy its germs, but into our laundry room where just anyone could take it.


This is likely the same type of person who takes the dirty-ass towels from hotels as well, despite the fact they feel like sandpaper and they often make you bleed when you use them. To hell with those towels, and to the hotels who think they are fooling us into believing that those filthy items are anything more than rusty razor blades sewn together.

And, most importantly, to hell with the NeighborGooder who thinks any of us want this rubber piece of Athlete's Foot.

Cork-Bored

Just how much crap do you have to put on a cork-board before it collapses under its own weight?


Apparently, just one poster for the movie Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa...

...complete with its thrilling WordArt™ inspired logo.

Luckily, there's a brand-new (and much bigger) replacement cork-board on the other side of the Big Blue Table...

...which, judging by the obscene layer of dust on its shrinkwrapping, has been just laying around at least since Madagascar 1 was released in theaters three years ago, waiting for the all-important memo or Cathy comic that would initiate it.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that....

...a shoe print in the middle of this pile of dust masquerading as a cork-board? What's amazing is that the shoe print is also covered in a layer of dust, which means that after it was stepped on, it still did not move from its position on the ground, clearly in an area designated for walking, for quite some time.

What's on TV?

This may come as a shock to you, but I was not a normal kid. Growing up, I sounded like a record: "What show is this?" "What are you watching?" "What else is on?"

I must have asked these questions and others exactly like them ten thousand times before the age of nine. I was obsessed with television as a child, and now, as an adult (at least in age), I am paid to make sure there is always an answer to those questions. (The answer, of course, being "Reality Shows.")

But one NeighborGoodie has provided me with a completely different answer to the age-old "What's on TV" question:


Apparently, 30 years of dust, dirt and grime from the home of someone who hasn't turned on a television since The Carol Burnett Show went off the air is What's on TV...at least, that's what's on the TV in one Luxurious Apartment in the Hollywood Hills.

Wet Pets (and other things that blow)

Today, we’re going to play Guess the NeighborGoodie!

Upon first seeing this attachment. . .

…you’d be correct to think that perhaps this is some sort of vacuum cleaner. But then you see this filthy thing attached to it. . . .


. . .and you realize that anything this dirty couldn’t possibly be used to clean anything.

So what is this disgusting item?

Why, it’s the Bubble Spa by Homedics!

It turns any bathtub into a Bubble Spa with Thousands of Tiny Bubbles! The sticker on the front indicates this product has been seen on TV, which generally is code for "Infomercial!” And you just know it features clumsy people nearly perishing by trying to turn their bathtubs into Jacuzzis.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a video of it, so I went right to the Homedics web site, which features dozens of products for your home spa—some of which have been “featured in television and radio commercials nationwide.” Wow! Commercials! On radio and television! How fancy! I’ll take two of everything!

Unfortunately, the Bubble Spa is nowhere to be found on their web site, which is filled with images of people relaxing--none of whom seem to be anywhere near any of the HoMedics litany of useless products.

A quick glance at the Bubble Spa on the As Seen On Tv web site sadly reveals that this product is no longer available.

There seem to be a lot of Bubble Spas for sale on Craigs List all throughout the country, which may indicate a general failure of the quality of this product. But I think this anonymous review on infomercialads.com, entitled “Great For a Bird Bath” sums it up best:

I've had this spa mat for two years now and not only is it loud, but the bubbles are way too strong for relaxing (even on the low setting). Your limbs get knocked all over the place and, if you attempt to read a book with it on, it will certainly get wet. I was planning on returning it until I discovered my parrot absolutely loves it and constantly attempts to visit her 'friend' in the bathroom. Her favorite activity is to sit on my shoulder with hardly any water in the tub (since she's clumsy) and this thing going on full blast, sounds pretty fun right? So although I would probably only give it two stars, it gets an extra one just for the sheer bath-time listening pleasure it provides for birds. (If I may have seriously sold you on this for your parrot, make sure you get the one without heat, no reason to take the chance of Teflon on the poor creatures- mine is the older version). Also, the mat is hard to clean if it's not kept meticulously dry.

Thank you, Crazy Bird Lady, for your perspective. I can’t help but wonder if the woman who wrote this review lives across the hall from me. She seems like the type who would have a house full of "clumsy" birds that she systematically drowns in this Bubble Spa. The first bird-murder may have been an accident, what with her limbs being knocked all over the place and all…but I feel like she’s the type who loved the feeling of power. She likely continued to buy parakeets at the local pet shop until the shopkeeps figured out her scheme and put a lifetime ban on her. And once the birds were gone, why keep the evidence?

Or maybe she just got rid of it because it was filthy:



Gross. Put “other people’s soap scum” on the list of things I don’t ever want to see on the NeighborGoodies Table again. Or is that bird poo? hmm...

NeighborGrillies

I am definitely not thrilled with the amount of food-related NeighborGoodies that have been left behind lately. No one wants to eat your used Baby Formula and no one wants to cook their food in your used... anything!

This dirty-assed Electric Grill is no exception:

It looks as if this thing was in the middle of a construction site feeding fat dirty guys for four months before being relegated to the NeighborGoodies Warehouse.



Luckily, it is was paired with this vacuum cleaner. . .


. . .which includes handy attachments to suck up the dust, dirt and grime from your new grill.

Now all you need is someone to do the cooking and cleaning for you, and you've got yourself a pretty successful household!