Throw Me a Stone...

I don't think I'm overstating the situation when I say the NeighborGoodies Table is, quite possibly, one of the filthiest things on the planet. It is riddled with disgusting distustingness, such as this used Brita water purifier:

Initially purchased to help clean up this NeighborGooder's drinking water, this item was neglected and abused so much, that it eventually stopped purifying the user's water altogether and tried to kill them:

(Feel free to click on this for Maximum Nastiness!)

How could this item be dirtier than the LA tap water? I have this exact product in my own Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment, and it is pretty much spotless--mainly because I keep it clean... you know, because I DRINK OUT OF IT. Therefore, I know that this level of dirt and grime only could occur if someone was living in absolute filth, or planting flowers in their purifier.

Nothing could clean this thing... except maybe some Glass Wax which, due to its cleansing nature, was immediately thrown out of someone's apartment upon its discovery:

As you can tell by the metal packaging, Glass Wax is an Old Tyme Product which, despite its name, cleans much more than just glass:

The product was initially created in 1945 by Harold Schafer, whose story is chronicled at Medora, North Dakota's Number One Vacation Site! Because If You Live in North Dakota, You Deserve A Vacation™.

When I first laid eyes on this ancient cleaning solution, I thought it was perhaps a special promotion, harkening back to the early days of Glass Wax... because certainly nothing from our era could possibly still look like this. But as I inspected the product, I realized this thing is definitely authentically old:


This dented, rusted $3.99 container of Glass Wax has no markings on it whatsoever that would indicate a date, other than it being distributed by Airwick Industries, which bought out Gold Seal in 1986. They discontinued Glass Wax in 2005, much to the chagrin of many, many people who are still complaining about it on every blog and discussion group on the internet. (Many of whom claim to live in Glass Houses. Really?)


Glass Wax claims that it "Cleans 30 Kinds of Dirt in 30 Seconds," but as tempted as I am to use this 4 - 23 year old container of liquid cleaner on the water purifier (or heck, even the NeighborGoodies Table itself) I know there are people out there who really, REALLY want this product. And maybe, just maybe, one of them Lives in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

But I still wouldn't drink their water.